30 Rock

You fail Liz.

You let the show get cancelled, and we all died.

No, I didn't. It wasn't my fault.

When we talked about this dream,

we said we were gonna be cowboys.

All: Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault.

Your fault. Your... Aah!

Wake up. Liz, wake up!

Aaaah!

- The twins are coming. - What?

Yeah, I just got an email from Bev at the adoption agency.

It's from [email protected].

Guess there's another full-figured Bev

at the office there. Oh, my God,

flight 124 on January 29th.

That's in five days. It's happening so fast.

We don't even know where they're coming from.

Airbike flight 124 out of Houston's George Bush airport.

- It's not my airport! - Let it go, Liz.

Wait, if they're coming from Houston,

they won't have winter clothes.

They're gonna need jackets and hats.

How big is an eight-year-old's head?

I'm thinking, like, a bowling ball?

No, bowling ball's too small. It's like a basketball.

A small basketball that you win at the fair.

You're describing a bowling ball.

Okay, kids coming, show to save,

DVR at 98%, but I'm just never in the mood to watch Treme.

Okay, first things first... I'll watch a bunch of tremes.

I'll go to the sporting goods store and measure balls.

I'm gonna need a cloth tape measure.

To Ikea!

Hey, sorry I late, but Treme gets good

if you stick with it.

So is TGS safe now? Will you uncancel us?

Lemon, I can't start my tenure as CEO

by reversing my predecessor's decisions

in order to help my weird buddy.

But while I can't help directly,

I have, through back-channels... Like B.E.T.?

Back channels. I have secured you a lifeline.

The Kabletown board has agreed to hear a presentation

from you tonight to convince them that

TGS is worth more alive than dead.

Perfect. I've sold this show once

before you were even here, and I crushed it.

It's a topical sketch-comedy show

for a little demographic that's, oh, I don't know,

51% of the population.

I'll take that nod as a yes.

Lemon, this is not a question of selling your creative vision.

Thanks to Hazel's lawsuit,

TGS has cost this company millions of dollars.

Okay, well, we can make cuts.

You'll have to do a lot more

than trim the budget, Lemon.

Your show can't cost NBC any money at all.

- That's impossible. - Impossible?

Would any of your female heroes say that?

Would Amelia Earhart or dian fosse or Joan of Arc?

Boy, women who try to do things sure get killed a lot.

You know what? I can do this.

I've saved the show before, and I ain't afraid of no board!

Lemon, expensive musical cues

are exactly the sort of thing you can't afford anymore.

30 Rock S07 Ep11 - A Goon's Deed in a Weary World

You've got Lemon. Make lemonade.

Hey, when do you think you're gonna be home?

'Cause we gotta do some power nesting.

Upstairs, I want to paint a mural of Houston for the kids,

but I'm terrible at drawing swamp humidity.

I don't know, Criss, late.

I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.

- Sex on the couch? - Sex on the couch?

That's a good one, Criss. I'll call you later.

Okay.

Listen up, jagweeds, it's go time!

We are at Defcon 5 here.

The lowest level of defense preparedness? Fantastic.

Have you dudes ever been to deafcon,

the comic book convention for deaf people?

Man, if you're a dude who can hear,

you are just knee-deep in...

This is serious. Our show is cancelled!

Now, we all need to pull together,

wing to wing, and oar to oar.

Fine, I'll Skip to the end.

And that little boy's name was Marshall Mathers.

So who's with me?

LL, did you save the show yet?

'Cause j-mo and I have a new problem.

Last night at a party, we urinated into the same fountain

during a lightning storm.

And I think we switched brains.

No, I haven't saved the show yet.

I cannot save the show without all of us stepping up.

We get one shot at this. Tonight.

We have to do a sample show,

so you guys need to start writing.

We have to rally our fans,

so you two are doing press all day.

I'm glad the band U2 is doing press all day.

Jenna, quick, run, before Liz Lemon realizes what I did.

Ugh! Do you think this is a joke?

If TGS goes away, you are actors without a show.

And, hornberger, you and I are gonna slash the budget

like we've never slashed it before.

Are you ready?

My whole life has been building to this moment.

Has it really? Oh, God.

Yeah.

You wanted to see me, sir?

No.

I wanted to see... Kenneth the page.

Kenneth the page.

That's a name I haven't heard in a long time.

Some say he's dead,

but others hear his name on the wind.

We don't have a lot of time here... what do you say?

I can't say no to these colors.

I bleed blue and gray.

Especially where I stepped on that nail.

Excellent. I've got a V.I.P. tour group coming in,

and I want my most experienced page to lead it.

Now, who will be on this tour?

I like to cater my presentation to the audience.

For example, if they're Japanese,

I'll make sure we accidentally walk in

on a blonde woman peeing.

Kenneth, you'll be showing around the five final candidates

for my old job at NBC.

Now, they think this just a formality

before the final interview,

but the tour is the final interview.

It's an old G.E. trick.

You can only truly judge a man

who doesn't know he's being judged.

It's like NBC's TV version of Willy Wonka,

starring Bob Uecker.

I do admire Wonka. He's a true capitalist.

His factory has zero government regulations,

slave labor, and an indoor boat. Wonderful.

During the tour, the candidates will drop their guard

and show their true selves without even knowing it.

And then you choose the one who's purest of heart.

What? No. Kenneth, this is broadcast television.

It's a nasty, ruthless business.

No, sir. It's a magical, Ruth-filled business!

It's dying, and its leader needs to be a grave robber

who'll strip every last bauble off the corpse.

I'm getting concerned about who we're gonna pick here.

There is no "we", Kenneth. You're giving a tour.

I'm picking the next president of NBC. Understood?

Yes, sir. Of course...

Not.

All the right things we have to do to make the show cheaper,

gut the crew, no more taped pieces,

fire Danny, scrap all the sets,

and shoot everything on greenscreen.

No. Greenscreen always looks so fake.

Yeah. But to actually break even,

we need somebody to sponsor the show.

Ugh, what, then I'll have some executive from Nokia

- giving me notes? - Oh, you wish.

We couldn't get them before the lawsuit.

and a German guy who wants to eat somebody.

And even Gunter's having doubts.

Okay, so I need to find someone

to put their name on the show, and I can't be picky.

Whatever it takes.

I get it. You need a sugar daddy.

So dazzle me.

Why should Bro Body Douche get in TGS's panties?

- Well, Broseph... - Sup?

I think TGS and Bro Body Douche

would be tight.

- Totes? - Nah mean? No homo.

- Mos def. - So... jeah?

Look, Betty, I don't know if it is jeah.

TGS, it sounds like a news Channel,

or an STD you know I've got.

We could change it. We're open to anything.

That's what you said

look, don't get me wrong.

I like Tracy Jordan. Dude's a baller.

I like that you've got a slut on the show,

even if she is a little boned out.

And I love the sexual harassment thing.

Noice!

But if you're gonna get in bed with the douche,

it's not just gonna be the tip.

This is senior year.

We're go need creative approval, brand mentions.

And the whole tone of the show needs to be more...

Um... have you ever seen the porn version

of Transformers?

Blorch! Look, do we have a deal?

Almost. It'd be weird if my show

were created by a woman.