New Girl

We're all adults.

What's the harm? We can do this with dignity,

self-restraint, and dare I say...

- honour. - The game is True American.

One, two, three, four... JFK!

FDR!

***

***

Sorry.

Welcome to Ellis Island, folks.

- You're a Bill, - Ah!

you're a George,

- you're a Bill. - Ah.

You're Greek. Get out of here!

What? Why am I Greek?

You're a Greek. Get out of here!

- Get out of here. - And you...

He's got the plague! Scatter!

Hello!

Taft just sat on you!

My name is Eli Whitney, and I created the cotton gin.

Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin! Gin!

Gin! Gin! Gin!

Oh, God.

Son of a...

Jessica, did we die?

No. Alive.

Shh...

Turkey bacon.

- Mm. - That's nice.

- That's ni, Nick. - That's ni.

Get sleep.

Yeah.

Help me up.

I'm trying.

You're...

You drink some water.

Aw, son of a bitch, the water fell on the ground.

Here. Here you go.

Drink the water. That's good.

Oh, no.

- No. - Oh, make it stop.

- Jessica, make it stop. - No!

Oh.

Hello.

Jess, where are you? It's Jacob's first birthday.

You're his godmother, I need you here.

Sir, hi. Who are you?

This is a private residence.

I'll be right there.

Hey, Nick. It's me, Jess.

I have really bad news.

We have to go to a one-year-old's birthday party.

I'm not interested in that birthday party.

Thank you for the invitation.

Good night.

I'm so hungover.

- Why today? - What?

You think it went bad?

We're your new neighbors.

Um, I think y-your bagel fell out of your mouth.

I'm Jewish.

Why didn't you guys tell me I was still wearing ladies' sunglasses?

I look like Magic Johnson's son, EJ.

Hey, you guys, I got a problem.

You know that guy that I'm dating?

Buster, your child bride?

He's 20, okay? Not that it matters.

Is he smooth all over? Does he take baths in the sink?

I sent him a bunch of drunk texts last night.

- What? - Mmm.

Oh, dear Lord.

- I know. - "I miss the way that your hands smell"?

Did you write an entire Jewel song in here?

Is it from Pieces of You?

You want to buy a rabbit with him?

This isn't a text message,

it's a freaking Russian novel.

Okay, well, you know what, what do I do?

Text him one of the little yellow men. The-the emoticons.

You know, with the... with the fa... with the faces.

I hate all of you.

Okay, so we really tanked it with those babes.

Look, we need to orchestrate

a situation which allows us

to put our best foot forward.

- That's easy. We help 'em move. - Winston,

Winston... shh.

Why? It makes perfect sense.

Helping a girl move makes you come off as a doormat, you know what I mean?

Honey, honey, honey, just...

listen to Coach.

Baby, look,

let us handle this, okay? You go help Cece

with the text messages.

- You know, maybe I will. - Okay.

But only because I really do enjoy helping people.

You're gonna be great, buddy.

You're gonna do good things, man.

You think we were too harsh on him?

He makes you. He does.

Don't blame yourself.

How the hell did this happen?

I found some things and I put them on.

- Throw this on. - Mm.

- Okay. That'll do it. - Cover up the tops.

You look great.

No.

- I couldn't have done it without you. - No, you're...

you're getting emotional. You do this when you're hungover,

but I'm gonna need you to stay focused

so we can get to that party.

- Yeah. We just need the gift. - Yeah.

I got the gift.

All right.

Why is it in the box? It's supposed to be out

of the box, assembled.

I said I would put it together before the party,

and it's before the party. So what's the problem?

Just give me

five minutes.

Ten minutes, tops.

But I got this thing.

This is it.

Christmas morning.

Our little guy waiting by the fireplace,

but there's no gift.

'Cause Daddy's in the other room putting it together.

Did you say "our" kid?

Yeah, sometimes I think about what our kid would be like.

Don't you?

Yeah.

You don't think about the future?

Can we not talk about this right now? Six hours ago,

I was lapping cognac out of Winston's hands.

Drink it up, Checkers. Forget what you saw.

Never talk about anything serious when you're hungover, Jess.

I don't even really think about it that much.

I just think about, you know, passing things. Just...

Nothing specific. We live in a house by a lake.

- That sounds pretty specific. - We live in a town

with a sense of history but not so much history

that the locals are suspicious of new people.

Two small children

who are so incredibly creative they named themselves.

We don't need to discipline the kids 'cause they're so afraid

of disappointing us.

Our house smells like cider.

And if there's a horse out back,

you're not gonna get any guff from me.

Anyway, that's where I'm at.

What are you... what are you thinking?

What, um...

Where do you picture us?

Where do you... Nick.

Nick.

Mmm, mmm. Oh, God.

I still feel like crap.

Guys, will you, um, look at this follow-up text

that I'm sending to Buster?

- It's for the little boy? - Try to be helpful, okay?

- What are we looking at here? - Are those nursing cats?

Winston said it was funny.

- It's not. It's incoherent. - No.

It's borderline pornographic.

Wait, those are not cats. That's a human man!

What is he suck... What is he sucking on?

- What Web sites are you going to? - What are you guys doing out here?

Obviously we're creating an accidental bump-in

with our hot new neighbors. Elevator's on the move.

You got to go. You're too hot. You'll confuse them.

Yes, well, of course. It's my garden party,

and Zachary Quinto is not on the list.

Um, you sure you can handle that, Winston?

- I'm fine. I'm fine. - Ooh. Are you sure?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

To the right a little bit. Up right.

- Son of a bitch. - Okay. Thank you so much.

We'll get you some nice cold lemonade after this, okay?

Ooh, be careful.

Oh! Good Lord.

You know what, we don't have to talk about the future.

- Let's just put this toy together. - I want to talk about the future.

- Okay. Great. All right. - I would love to talk about it. Yes, great.

I always thought it would be cool to be a long-haul trucker.

You want to be a long-haul trucker with a family?

No, the family would be in Montana. Or-or Mars Landing,

you know, if the government finally steps up.

Where is Mars Landing?

Where is Mars Landing? It's on M... It's on Mars.

It's the American capital of Mars.

And if you don't think there's gonna be space travel

in the next 20 years, then you've got your head

buried in sand, girlie.

It's already basically happening.

I always thought I'd move back to Portland.

Oh. Portland, Earth?

It's like friendly San Francisco.

Slow food, fast bicycles,

great schools...