Rules of Engagement

Dopey, grumpy.

Sleazy.

Sleazy wasn't a dwarf.

He is now.

Well, my height was just fine for miss Tiffany last night.

And it's official... I have finally slept with a woman from all 50 States.

Wow, really? Was she, like, an army brat?

No. Different women, one from...

You know, he just slows us down.

All 50 States, huh? I guess America really is the home of the brave.

You're just jealous 'cause you're married and you don't get any.

- I get all the sex I want. - Why do you want so little?

Yeah, and you have to jump through hoops for the paltry amount you do get.

Like letting Audrey buy expensive jewels or clothing

or listen to her flap about her boring job.

You should be on my side. You're more married than single.

- Yeah, but Jen and I have sex all the time. - All the time?

- All the time. - Same as when you first met?

Pretty... pretty much.

Oh! Pretty much. That's how it all starts.

Yeah, add ten pounds to your head and you're gonna be Jeff in five years.

You are way off.

Mmm, 20 pounds?

Hi. Hey, gentlemen, Mr. Dunbar.

Here you go, sir. As per your request, I transferred your old pornography to dvd.

All right. Good job.

You know what? Take one home as a bonus.

Oh, thank you, sir. You're very kind, but I'll pass.

Well, I'm sure you're wondering how my date went last night.

Yes, indeed. Who did the young lady think she was going home with?

Zack thunder or Danny Dakota?

I went with "Danny Dakota."

You know, the race car driver who broke every bone in his body?

Except uh-one.

Hold on, you pretended to be somebody else?

Talk about jumping through hoops. You gotta invent a whole new persona.

No, no, no, no. I don't have to. I like to mix it up. You know, keep it fresh.

At least I got some.

- Yeah, well, I can get it, too. - Really? Care to make this a little more interesting?

Oh, you mean this could get more interesting?

My God, what an exciting time to be alive.

I propose a challenge... single guy versus married guy.

See who can get it whenever they want it.

Fine, let's say tonight.

All right.

Well, there's gotta be some ground rules. You're not allowed to lie or pay for it.

Dude, you're tying my hands.

And no tying their hands.

Well, I like it when...

All right, fine.

- What about... what about me? I want in. - Why?

- To prove that I'm not becoming you. - All right, fine. You can play.

All right! I'm the ringer!

Yes, we get it. Your fiancee's a little easy with the...

those are sex noises... in case you forgot what they sound like.

My lord, that is funny.

Timmy, you stick with Russell tonight and make sure that he doesn't lie to get sex.

Grand.

You could just say, "okay."

No. You'll pay me a grand.

Fine, but you can't tell Audrey about the challenge just so you can get some.

Yeah, 'cause if I told her there was a sex bet, she'd be on her back in a heartbeat.

All right, let's meet back here at midnight.

See who got the job done... or, shall I say, who else got the job done.

- How much are we playing for? - Nothing. Gentlemen's bet.

Hmm. Never before has an adjective been less appropriate

This is bigger than money. This is to determine once and for all when man is at his peak...

Single, engaged, or dead?

3x09 "The Challenge"

- Hey, hon. Hey. - I'd like some sex.

W... what, you weren't joking?

No, ma'am, I am not.

All right, tell you what. Let's have some dinner and then we'll fool around after.

After is not good. Now is good.

Why?

Well, the longer we wait, the more chance I'll say or do something stupid to ruin the mood.

Last week we were sharing that bottle of wine,

you were wearing those pants that made you look...

See!

Almost did it again. Now is the time.

Audrey, now is the time.

- Why not? - Really? Awesome.

Here's your problem... dinner'll be ready in 15 minutes.

Since when is that a problem?

Oh, look at me.

Not... screwing it up. Not screwing it up. Oh, God.

What? You've seen it before.

There was a mouse! I... I just saw him run out the door.

Then we're good to go.

I can't be romantic when there's a mouse in here.

Who said it had to be romantic?

I'll take care of it.

We're not smashing a poor little mouse with a bat.

Tennis racket?

You have to catch it and set it free.

Why, so it'll come back and grant me three wishes?

Forget it, Jeff. Not with a mouse. Not in this house.

Would you, could you in the hall?

All right, I'm gonna take care of it, but then when I come back,

- Sex is on! - Fine, fine, fine.

Just... just go. Go. Go.

I'll get the big pot from the kitchen.

Oh, no, I don't want a mouse in my good pot.

Well, is it any worse than that chili you made?

See! This is why we should have already done it.

Hello. I'm in the bedroom.

Yeah, you are.

This is gonna be too easy.

It's like having sex with fish in a barrel.

- Yeah. What's going on? - I don't feel good at all.

You don't, honey?

'Cause you look hot.

I am hot. My temperature's 102.

Well, you... you feel okay to me. You wanna fool around?

No! E... everything hurts. Don't touch me.

Don't... Touch you?

But... I'm the ringer.

Oh, yeah. This'll be no troub.

I'll have you home watching masterpiece theatre in no time.

Sir, if I may,

don't you get a wee bit tired of constantly trying to score?

Isn't the goal to meet someone to spend your life with?

You got some weird ideas bangin' around in that conut of yours, Timmy.

All right? Let's try to stay focused.

Forgive me, sir.

I forgot I'm merely here to monitor your sex bet.

I forgot I'm merely here to monitor your sex bet.

How are you not getting laid with that accent, my man?

Now what about this one right here?

Ugh, looks drunk, damaged, and braless. A fastball down Broadway for you, sir.

But remember... no lying.

No lying. No lying.

- Hi. I'm Lacey. - I'm Danny Dakota. Ah, damn it.

- Well, I got him. - Oh, thank God.

Well, you should have seen it. It was pretty ugly close-up. Kind of like your friend Liz.

Wow. Take that, Liz.

He does not like being cooped up.

Oh, God, just... just get him...

Oh! Oh, my... my God!

- The mouse just ran across my foot. - What? I thought he was in the box.

Wait, why are my shoes in the b...

Did you not catch him? Were you lying?

Only so you would enjoy your sex.

I'm not gonna enjoy any sex in an apartment full of vermin.

Okay, look... I promise I will get him this time.

And then we will have the post-mouse hunting lovemaking.

Eww, okay... don't say "lovemaking."

That's almost as disgusting as the mouse.

Okay, then it'll be "wham, bam, thank you, ma'am."

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, that feels nice. Yeah?

Yeah, hey, you know, maybe a little physical activity would be good for you.

No, I'm too achy.

Oh, but honey, you know what they say...

you starve a fever, have sex with a cold.

Who says that?

People who know. Just relax.

- Mmm, you like that? - No, it's my head.

It feels like a giant bucket of snot and phlegm.

Do you know what might help?

You not saying stuff like that.

Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna puke.

Well, hurry back.

Okay, mouse, prepare to be outsmarted

by your intellectual superior.

Oh, yeah. I gotta tie this to the pencil.

What?!

So sensitive. God.

Really, sir?

What? You said to be honest.

So I did what you said. It looked like it was a goiter.

Honest about yourself.

Now, you can do this.

- Let's give it another go. - All right, governor.

Oh, this is probably dumb-dumb calling to brag.

What?

- Hey, how's it going? - It's going amazing.

I'm seconds away from closing the deal.

Hold on.

Hear that? That's the sound of my fly being unzipped.