Rules of Engagement

Nice robe, hef.

Why'd you double lock the door?

Well, I guess I just had too much cash on me.

Why, why can't I be more surprised?

Guess who just sold his bitchin' camaro?

The profit is currently preventing you from seeing my hot bod.

Why did you sell that car? I thought you loved it.

The guy who bought it loved it more.

- So how much did we make? - Start pluckin' and find out.

The dollar values increase as you approach the target area.

I'm gonna let you approach your own target area.

That's a far too familiar trip.

Anyways, we're up about 2,000.

Well done. So what are we gonna do with it?

You know, besides, uh,

shave it?

Well, we're gonna put it in the retirement fund.

We're this much closer to dying with a nice boat.

So now, let's do something that may not be legal,

but it's definitely tender.

Hey, dad.

Great, I'll just stand here like this.

Oh, good, do you like it?

He's thanking us for the new laptop we sent him.

Oh, by the way, we sent him a new laptop.

Yeah, what...

Well, it doesn't matter how much it cost.

Dad, please don't return it.

Well, you... you can do whatever you want.

All right. Bye bye.

God, it was a gift. It's not his business how much it cost.

How much did it cost?

hard his whole life.

Can't they ever just enjoy their money?

My mom can't use a tea bag without wrapping it in foil

and using it three more times.

Does that work?

I mean, save some, sure.

But, gah, you gotta enjoy your life.

I think it's just their midwestern way of thinking.

There's nothing wrong with appreciating the value of a dollar.

Speaking of appreciating a dollar...

You know what?

We're not gonna put that money away for our future.

Okay, look, this is just reaction to your dad, and it's not sensible.

That's the point. Let's just not be sensible for once.

Let's spend it all on one fabulous,

- luxurious night. - Audrey, finance is my business.

I warn my clients against this kind of thing all the time.

Against what? Enjoying their money?

No, against listening to their wives.

Come on.

That's the house's money.

And I'm pretty sure the house does not want it back.

I don't know.

Oh, please? Just do this. Just don't be like my father.

All right, I won't be like your father.

But that doesn't preclude me from spanking you if you've been a bad girl.

3x12 "House Money"

You know what, I like it.

I think it's a great idea to treat yourself to a wild, crazy, expensive night once in a while.

It is. We deserve it.

You're bringing her?

- Why? - It was my idea.

We're having a limo take us to dinner at Soiree

and then to a five-star hotel.

Soiree, la-de-da.

Jeff just went down there and slipped the maitre d' some money.

Yeah, they only say that they're booked so that you gotta tip them to get in.

That's how they get you.

All right, none of that attitude when we go out, please.

- What attitude? - Your attitude about money.

You're always saying things like "that's how they get you,"

and "oh, don't fall for the creme brulee scam."

It's burnt pudding.

Well, I don't want to hear any of that on our night out, please.

You sound just like my dad.

Why, am I begging you not to marry me?

I can't believe

you guys have a whole night planned,

and I... the only actual fun person...

has nothing to do.

Why, where's the rest of the lollipop guild?

- Hey, guys. - What's up, guys?

- Hey, how was your checkup? - All good.

Yes, the doctor concurred with the results of my breast exam.

Congratulations on marrying an eighth grader.

By the way, Audrey, on the doctor's form, I put you as my "in case of emergency" person.

- Oh, no problem. - Why would you do that?

In case there's an emergency. It's pretty self-explanatory.

But I'm gonna be your husband. I should be your "in case of emergency" guy.

Adam, I love you, and there are so many things you are great at,

but being responsible with your cell phone is not one of those things.

Okay, okay, you know what? Starting right now,

I'm gonna have my phone on me and turned on at all times.

In fact, what's this, huh?

Your iPod.

42 minutes past our reservation.

Would you relax? We're not in a hurry.

Yeah, well they only say that your table's not ready so you have to wait at the bar and buy a drink.

- That's how they... - What, Jeff? That's how they what?

That's how they pamper you the way you deserve.

Thank you.

Sir, ma'am, your table is ready.

Well, we're not.

It's the table's turn to wait.

Sir?

He's just kidding.

- I was just funnin' with ya. Let me take care of this tab. - Uh, there's no charge for the drinks.

We apologize for the wait.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah, thank you.

Just out of curiosity, how far away were we from another round?

Now he's not kidding.

What are you doing here on a Saturday night?

Well, to be honest, I'm pouting because I have nothing to do.

Well, maybe it's good to have a little alone time.

I already had two alone times today before I got here.

Check it out.

Adam's cell phone. He left it at the apartment

after all that big talk about being responsible.

Oh, it doesn't sound like him. Such an unhandsome thing to do.

Yeah, well, I guess he'll never learn. Order me a coffee.

Got ya.

Oh, hey, can I get a, uh... what'd she want?

Uh, just give me a piece of pie.

Oh, hey, genius.

I lost my cell phone.

- No, actually... - I'm pretty sure I left it in a taxi.

You did?

After you promised Jen?

- Wow, this is gonna be a huge problem. - I know, I know, I know.

She'll probably never let me hear the end of this.

What to do, what to... seriously, what to do?

Um, you know what, I have an idea. Why don't you go outside to a pay phone, call your cell?

Then if a cabbie finds it, he'll answer it.

And then I get it back before Jen knows it's gone.

Oh, uh, wait, why can't I just use your cell phone?

You know what, I left it at home. And it's so stupid of me.

Hey, don't feel bad. I do that too.

Oh, I take great comfort in that.

- Anyway, thanks for the idea. - No, thank you, man.

Thank you.

- Wait, where's my coffee? - Oh, wait, that's right.

Uh, excuse me? Can I get a scoop of ice cream on this?

As a woman, I don't like to hear this word,

but I have to say, you're a douche.

Well, you're gonna be thanking this douche, because Adam was just here,

and he thinks he left his cell phone in a cab, so he went to a pay phone to call it.

But he didn't leave it in a cab. You have it there.

Trust me. This sounds weird, but you're gonna like it.

I just got a flash of what it feels like to be on a date with you.

Yes, I found this phone in my cab.

No, I didn't find a little bag of licorice.

No, listen, if you want the phone, go meet me at the grease pit on West fourth and Horatio.

My name, yes,

it's pie-al lamodie.

Okay, see you then.

Pie-al lamodie?

Didn't phase him at all.

- So what's the grease pit? - It's a big ol' lesbian bar.

How do you know the address of a lesbian bar?

Sometimes it's just nice to be the prettiest one in the room.

Uh, yes, that's it.

That is the one my husband mispronounced.

That men's room is unbelievably nice.

I almost felt bad doing my business in it.

Yeah, it's really great seeing you actually enjoying yourself tonight.

Well, when I was talking to Ricky,

my hand towel caddie,

I thought "Audrey's right, we do deserve to live it up once in a while."

That's the spirit.

I mean, it's not just the food and the wine that you're buying, it's the service, and how you're treated.

- It makes me feel like... - Like a king?

I was gonna say that monopoly guy.

He's got that monocle,

the top hat,

the bags with the dollar signs on 'em.

That fictional bastard knows how to live.

I'm thirstier than that.

That's a good one.

Here you go. There's more where that came from.

Just don't ask where it came from.