Bill Burr: Paper Tiger

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Burr!

All right, thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you?

Excellent. Thank you for coming out.

Very prestigious...

arena to listen to my dick and shit jokes over the next...

...90 minutes.

No, I'm excited to be here. I am.

It's very, uh...

...exciting to be doing stand-up outside of my own country.

Yeah. No, not 'cause of you!

It's how it's become. Fucking US, everything's so goddamn...

Every fucking joke you tell, "Well, what did you mean about that?

I didn't go to the gym today. Are you calling me fat?

I feel fucking triggered."

Gotta fucking apologize to everybody.

This is how screwed up my country is right now.

-You... You know Bryan Cranston, right? -

That dude did a movie. He played a quadriplegic...

and people gave him shit...

...being like, "Why is there an able-bodied person

playing a quadriplegic?"

It's like, "It's because it's called acting, you dumb fuck."

See, if he was a quadriplegic playing a quadriplegic,

that's not acting.

That's just fucking laying there, saying shit that someone else wrote.

"So tell us, what did you do to prepare for the role?"

"Well, I dove head-first into the shallow end of a pool

when I was 23.

I feel like I've been preparing for this role for my whole life."

"Right, what is up next for you?"

"Oh, well, they're gonna do a reboot of Top Gun.

Uh, I'm gonna fly...

And, uh, the copilot's gonna be transgender.

So everybody will be happy.

She won't die. Her discarded dick will block her head from the canopy.

There'll be a gender-neutral bathroom on the plane."

How fucking dumb is that? That's literally like watching a movie,

"Why didn't you have a murderer play a murderer?

And how come the guy he shot, I saw him in another movie?"

I mean, what the fuck is going on?

No, I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.

I don't know what the fuck is going on...

but I think white women started it.

Oh! It's the worst.

The fucking worst. That's all they do, is bitch, moan, and complain.

I had no idea how difficult it was

to be a white woman in the United States of America.

Evidently, it's really difficult.

Yeah, they're always bitching.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to be me?"

"Well, I imagine it would be slightly less awesome than my life."

"What happened to you today, sweetheart, huh?

Did they not chill your rosé?"

You know? "Was the trolley not running down at the mall?

What happened?"

No, it's unreal.

I'm really fucking annoyed how white women have the fucking balls

to throw my white privilege in my face.

You know?

Start to separate themselves from these "white males,

with their white male privilege."

It's like, "Bitch, you're sitting in the Jacuzzi with me!

The fuck are you talking about?

Yeah! Quit your fucking whining."

Look... here's a little caveat here,

so you don't think I'm a complete asshole right out of the gate, all right?

If you fucking... If you're living some Honey Boo Boo lifestyle

on the Appalachian Trail, you know,

and your uncle just banged you in the dirt,

all right, I can listen to you.

No, one of my fantasies is I wanna drive by, like,

a woman's rally and just say the most sexist shit I can think of...

just to watch them lose their minds.

You know, just drive by real slow and be like,

"Yeah, why don't you get back in the kitchen where you belong?"

Just to look in the rearview mirror,

watching them, "ah," flipping out in the road.

Spinning around like Leatherface

at the end of Texas Chain Saw Massacre, like...

"Ah! Ah! Ah!"

Yeah. No, it's a very, uh... I don't know, times are changing, I guess.

I don't know.

Yeah. Michelle Obama's doing an arena tour.

That's another thing going on. I'm gonna say that again.

Michelle Obama...

...is doing an arena tour.

She's not playing comedy clubs. She's doing arenas.

When did First Ladies start acting like they got elected?

You know?

Dude, being a First Lady, that's not a fucking job.

Just standing there, smiling and waving.

Hey?

Look how quiet it is in here. Why is it so fucking quiet?

You think that's a job?

It's not a fucking job!

Dude, if you really think it's a job, just look at him.

Right? Look at Obama.

When that guy got elected, he looked like he was about 41 years old.

When he left office, that guy looked like he was about 73.

Right?

Look at Michelle.

She looks younger now than she did when that dude got elected.

What has she done for the last eight years...

...yeah, other than lay in a giant vat of Illuminati-level lotion?

Just sitting there, floating.

A couple hours, a shape-shifter comes in and dumps another bucket on her.

"Here's some more... more of this."

She pops her head up: "Hey, Bam-Bam, tell Stevie Wonder to come down

and play some songs tonight."

Yeah. I found out she's doing a tour, 'cause she's doing a book tour.

Yeah, she wrote a book.

She wrote a book about not having a job.

I gotta read that fucking book!

"Chapter One, how to know if a dick tastes presidential.

How to weed your way...

How to weed your way through all that local representative cock

and get to the big swinging dick in the room."

I'll tell you right now, say what you want

about Republican Presidents, but they got their First Ladies in line.

They do!

Dude, George W. was President for eight years. Eight years!

I don't even know his wife's name!

What was it, Abigail or some shit? Maggie? No clue!

Donald Trump's wife stands behind him like a giant meerkat, like...

Bill Clinton was President, his wife never shut up.

"Ah! I wanna do healthcare! Ah!"

He fucked around on her so much.

He was like, "All right, whatever, just do it."

But I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna check out that fucking tour.

I gotta see what that's all about. You know?

Who opens? Who opens on that fucking tour?

Was it Oprah Winfrey's husband? You know?

Does he fucking come out and talk about what it's like to walk her dogs?

"I do it for 20 minutes a day.

The cocker spaniel's probably the most fussiest,

and I gotta bring him around."

Look, I'm sure that there's some, uh, feminists in the crowd right now

not appreciating this joke, feeling triggered,

feeling like they need to fucking put out a hashtag or some shit.

And be brave and speak out.

You know what? You're full of shit.

You are.

All...

All those feminists are full of shit.

'Cause I'm gonna tell you right now, someday... someday, there's gonna be,

there's gonna be the first woman President. All right?

-Which means... -

You don't even know what her fucking platform is,

and you automatically cheer.

"Ooh, ooh, it's got the same genitalia!

Ooh!"

Fucking... I'm telling you. They're not smart people.

Feminists, they're not as smart as they're coming off, I'm telling you.

Someday...

there's gonna be...

This is going to be my last show ever by the time this fucking thing comes out.

Someday, there's gonna be the first female President,

which means there's gonna be the first male First Lady. Right?

And you wait. You fucking wait!

The first time that dude opens his mouth about some political shit,

you watch all these feminists.

They're all gonna be, "You shut the fuck up! You shut the fuck up!

It is her time now. It is her time. She was elected, not you!

Go pick out some plates, bitch!

You are the First Lady."

He's gonna get treated like Tom Arnold when he was with Roseanne.

Secret Service name will be, like, "Appendix" or "Doesn't Matter."

"'Not Worthy of Protecting' just entered the Oval Office.

'Not Worthy of Protecting'."

So, anyways...

There's been, uh...

The Me Too movement has happened since the last time I was here.

Yeah, no, it had to happen, Jesus Christ, but, you know, I think it's dying down.

You know? I don't know, I think they got everybody.

Right?

Just judging by the stories, I feel like they kind of got everybody.