History of the World, Part II

"Galileo."

: Hey! Ciao! Margherita de Medici,

this is-a Galileo with a Cameo,

AKA a Galilameo.

This is-a from your father, the Grand Duke of Tuscany,

and he wanted me to wish you a happy birthday.

16 years old-a, which means

that you can now get married

to the Duke of Parma.

And-a that's good for you

because they got-a the cheese money.

Anyway, I hope it's a successful marriage,

so that we can avoid a land war.

Please let your father know that I make-a this message for you,

so he can put in a good word with the Pope-a,

and the Pope doesn't torture me

and stretch me out like-a string cheese-a,

bringing it back to the Duke of Parma.

Okay, much love and Pisa...

the leaning tower of.

History of the World, Part II!

Previously, on "The Civil War"...

No more alcohol.

You are ready to join me on a top-secret mission.

We're going to West Virginia.

General Grant was last seen heading towards Rock Ridge.

You three have been tasked with bringing him back here.

Hands up. Good Gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!

We hate Yankees.

- - Ouchie-wowchie. Okay...

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Ulysses Grant and Honest Abe Lincoln's son.

You picked the wrong saloon to have a drink at.

- What? - What'd he say?

I said! Have you got...

What are you saying?

He said, "You got any last words?"

Oh! Oh, last words. Yes.

May God save and protect our union.

Yeah, that's right, eat shit.

What about you, little Lincoln boy?

So, you won't kill us until we're done talking?

Them the rules, boy.

Is-is that a hard-and-fast rule?

I always thought it was more of a guideline.

Right in the kishkes! Ooh-ah!

- Oh boy. Okay. - God.

Come on. Come on, boy! Uh, okay...

Uh...

First of all, um, I'd like to thank my parents.

To Dad, you were always so tall.

And Mom, everybody thought you were nuts,

but really, to me, you were just Mom.

Thank you, but not done yet.

Thank you. Thank you.

We made it! Rock Ridge!

It looked a lot different in Blazing Saddles.

And, uh, to General Grant,

- the man sitting next to me. - No, no.

You are my hero, you are my mentor,

and now, you are my friend.

Ah, I'm gonna cry!

I'm gonna freaking cry.

It's them!

- General Grant and RT? - Are they in trouble?

Oh, my God, they're so far away!

- Turn it around. - Turn it around.

Ah! They're gonna hang 'em!

Okay, okay, okay. I think the only move here

is to get back on Harriet's train and go to Canada.

learn manners, get healthcare, pretend we like poutine.

Oh, I can't!

I can't pretend I like lukewarm cheese curds.

There are no other options, Mingoes!

- Wait! I have an idea! - Huh?

- - Oh!

It's just us.

Tell me there's gravity without telling me there's gravity.

Me? Galileo? I go first.

Achoo!

Ah!

Mamma mia!

Hey! I'm-a flying!

A-gravity not so real!

Oh no, I'm-a falling again!

Why didn't I invent the parachute-a?

"Shirley Chisholm."

Previously, on Shirley!...

- Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me... - Well, great.

To run for president!

Alabama governor and presidential candidate

George Wallace is hospitalized after being shot.

This is terrible! What do we do?

We celebrate. I'm making a Manhattan.

Shirley! is brought to you

by the actual presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm

and filmed in front of a live Black audience.

I need to go see Wallace.

What are you talkin' about?

Uh-uh, Shirley, now, the press is swarming the hospital.

If you go visit that cuckoo Klux Klansman...

...your campaign is over!

But, it's the Christian thing to do.

Alright, th-that's it, that's it. Cut!

Cut! Where's the director at?

What's going on now? Look, I know you guys have us

doin' some crazy shit up in here,

but why in the world would Shirley go visit George Wallace at the hospital?

Conrad, this is something that actually happened.

- Really? - Now get your butt over here,

and say your next line.

Action. Alright, honey. If you're goin', I'm goin' with you.

- Me, too! - How about you, Mama?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you over the stirring.

Did I really need to be disguised in a full-body cast?

It doesn't even look like Conrad!

I ain't putting on that thing. I'm claustrophobic.

- - This must be him.

You two stand guard.

Oh!

I see you're going to check on Governor Wallace.

Uh, yes, I'm going to check his...

oil?

Well then you wouldn't mind administering

his next dose of painkiller while you're at it.

Uh, you sure I should be doing this?

Yeah, it's the '70s. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to an interracial orgy

where everyone will have a huge bush!

Shirley! will be right back

after a bunch of cigarette commercials.

I am Rasputin, and this is the human cigarette.

Oh! That did it!

Oh-ho-ho! My bottom half's on fire!

Come on, guys, put out the fire!

Relax, comrade, we will give you golden shower.

Oh! Ho ho!

Oh, not in my face, comrade!

Now, back to "The Civil War."

Let's see, um, in the new, uh, bestseller--

I don't know if you guys have heard of this new thing,

it's called the dictionary. Uh, Daniel Webster just wrote it. Um...

it defines honor as one

Okay, y-yeah. They're playing me off.

Alright, I-I'm going. Um, there are so many people I have to thank still.

Um, everyone at UTA,

Jared Levine, Jared Cohen, Jared Cohenstein--

- Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - Billy Rosenberg, David Greenbaum--

Okay! Alright! Alright! That's enough. We ain't got time for the Jew stuff.

- Okay, I'm still talking. I'm still-- - That's enough, little boy!

That's enough, little boy.

Hang 'em!

- - Oh boy. Okay. Yeah, this is happening.

This is happening right now. Oh, they got a guy. They got a guy.

Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from their stint in Europe,

please welcome the Confederate Players!

Let's bring up our emcee.

He's First Nation and first in your heart.

Give it up for Mingoes!

Oh, boy.

- - Hi. I'm, uh, I'm Mingoes.

Uh, so...

I just came from St. Louis, and, uh...

Oh wait, I was supposed to say St. Louis, Missouri,

because this joke is about the Missouri Compromise and--

What, what?

He said, "You suck, weirdo."

Go. You got it. You're good.

Has anybody heard about this telegraph?

Ah, go back home, weirdo!

Y-You know, I would love to,