Mumford

I got outta the truck in this two-bit town.

I got no money and no prospects.

What I need right now is a stiff drink,

a cold shower and a hot broad.

I'll take 'em in any order they come.

Oh, yeah. One other thing I need:

An angle.

I was thinkin', if it weren't for bad luck...

I wouldn't have any luck at all.

Can I help you?

Either my luck had just changed,

or fate just bought me another round of trouble.

Oh, and the house needs a few repairs,

but it's, uh, small,

not very fancy, she kept yammering the whole time,

but it's clean. But her hips were doin' all the talkin'.

We haven't had a man around here for so long that...

It couldn't have been any clearer what the setup was.

- The next move was up to me. - Stop.

Hold it. Stop. Don't tell me.

That's all the time we have. Sorry. Next time.

Uh, I have 18 more minutes.

I don't want to hear any more today.

- Why not? - Mr. follett, do you trust me or don't ya?

Well, I don't know. I've only been seeing you...

without trust there's no point to any of this. You might as well not come.

Oh, now, hold on. I didn't say I didn't want to come.

Good. Then go.

Hi, Charlie. Hi, doc.

How you doin'? Okay.

Doc, you're early. What happened?

My patient had to leave early. Who was that?

Does the word "nosy" have any meaning to you, lily?

Uh, I think it's like "inquisitive." Enjoy.

It was Henry follett. Man, you see him a lot.

And it's very wrong of you to reveal it. Next you'll be sayin' what his problem is.

What do you wanna know? You're terrible.

I'm never tellin' you anything. Hey, doc. How's it goin'?

Fine, Elizabeth. How's yourself? Good.

Mumford, how long have you been in this town?

Oh, I don't know. Four months, two and a half weeks. That's how long.

And you've already got more patients than those other two shrinks combined.

I don't think even you could know that, lily.

Look at that guy.

You know who that is, don't you?

Uh-uh. You really don't?

- Uh-uh. - That's skip skipperton, man.

He gets himself hit by a truck, this whole town shuts down.

Oh, so that's him. The panda man.

What makes you so popular?

What's your secret?

- You like me. How come? - I'm not sure. Let me think about it.

So I'm watching brokaw, and they've got some astronomer,

this little limey know-it-all, and he's telling how with this "himball" telescope,

they've discovered that there are maybe 400 million more galaxies...

Than they thought there were, and I guess that's supposed to make me feel small.

I'm supposed to feel insignificant?

Is that the point? 'Cause I'll tell ya, it didn't.

Lionel, since this is our first session together, maybe, um...

you can sit up and look at me if you like.

Maybe you want to tell me a little about what brought you here.

Kind of impatient for a big-time head shrinker, aren't you?

How 'bout you let me explain it my way, okay?

Thanks. That'd be great.

So, in my dream,

it's always the same.

I wake up in my room when I was a kid in Ohio,

and I realize it's the day of the big exam at school,

which is no problem for me, because I remembered it was coming.

And I had attended every class, so I'm totally prepared.

Then I see myself running down the hall at school.

And this is where it's very interesting, I think.

It's not really my school.

- It's the school from the next district, not my school! - Go on!

And even though I arrive a little bit early, everybody is already there.

But the surprising part is...

I'm the only one who's prepared.

I'm afraid you'll have to get out. Are you crazy?

You can't do this. Sure I can, Lionel.

Look, I am a criminal lawyer.

Do you think I like my clients? I can't stand most of them!

But I don't kick them out. You see that sign?

"We retain the right to refuse service to anyone."

Now, I'm not gonna charge you for this session, but I don't wanna see you back here.

Do you at least have a back door I could use? Come out this way, Lionel.

There's no shame in getting a little therapy, is there, althea?

Not at all. It takes guts, Lionel.

Maybe some of us don't need this crap.

And it's the hubble telescope, not the "himball" telescope.

Oop.

Geez, what an asshole.

What do they want from me?

What have I done that's so wrong?

They act as if they don't have their own peculiar things. Oh, believe me, they do.

Everybody's got something they're not so proud of.

Even you probably have things.

Me more than most.

Why are they ganging up against me?

I'm not sure, but I think they're worried about you.

It's the kids, you know. It isn't Jeremy.

He had nothing to do with my coming to you.

Except pay, of course. He's always willing to pay.

He's extremely generous.

I am so humiliated...

That my own children would threaten me.

- How did they threaten you? - They said that if I didn't get help,

they wouldn't deal with me anymore.

- What do you think of that? - Good kids.

Hmm?

I said you must come out to the house for dinner on Thursday.

Really? You think so?

Yes. Jeremy will be home for the weekend, and you can meet the kids.

How you doin', ainge?

Evenin', lily.

Hey, doc. Ainge!

Tonight on unsolved mysteries.

She was beautiful, charming, and she loved horses.

But even though Shelly Malone was an expert rider,

eyewitnesses claimed she died in a freak riding accident.

Shelly's family thinks the truth is very, very different.

In Indiana, a sudden thunderstorm spells trouble...

For an unsuspecting motorcyclist.

Tragedy seems inevitable until a mysterious lady in black...

Appears from out of nowhere.

Join me.

Perhaps you may be able to help solve a mystery.

So he already had the tattoo that said "Naomi forever."

But now they're broken up, see, so he has to have it removed.

But while the scar is still healing...

or whatever you call it when you have a tattoo removed...

he meets Heidi.

And it's serious. Immediate love.

So in no time he's gone from the most beautiful actress in north America...

To the most gorgeous model in the world.

What do you mean, "in no time"?

Maybe three or four issues.

- Weekly or monthly? - Monthly.

God! How shallow do you think Brad is?

Why do I waste my time telling you this stuff?

Why do you think you tell me, nessa?

Don't do that thing.

Please. I beg of you.

That shrink thing. Well, it's a big part of the show.

You really need to let people smoke in here, you know. It's perverse.

What do they pay you to see me?

The school board doesn't pay you? What kind of a deal is that?

- It's called pro Bono. - Pro boner?

There's this article that my friends and I read.

It was "twenty-five signs he's great in bed." It was very fascinating.

- Where was this? - The New York times.

The first one was, "he handles produce well."

Which we already knew.

The point is, you have a lot of the signs.

You been watchin' me in the supermarket?

Have women found you attractive?

I knew you wouldn't answer.

I've been thinking about what you said the last time...

About me trying to lose weight...

And constantly not.

You said how maybe people would be happier if they just accept that some things don't change.

There'd be some kind of a relief or something.

Well, I guess I'm just a dumb bitch,

but how depressing is that moment?

The moment when you give up.

¶¶

Oh, skip's here.

Hi, skip. Hi, skip.

Hi. You're doc mumford.

Skip skipperton. Oh, how are ya?

Fine. Okay. Pretty good.

I've been hoping we'd meet. I've heard a lot about you.

Do you think we could...

can I buy you a drink? Sure.

"Find the need and fill it," my dad used to say.

I guess a lot of dads say that.

But I did, and it just took off.

No kidding. Panda modem.

Where'd that come from? Panda?

I've always liked giant pandas. I've been to China and seen them in the wild.

It's the kind of thing I can do if I want... now.

I can do pretty much anything I want to do these days.

So now we make 23% of the modems in the market, which is pretty good.

Wow.

When I was growing up here, the timber business was just playing out.

The town was about dead. Panda modem changed all that.

Now just about everybody in town either works for me or depends on the company somehow,

which is kind of the problem.

Would you like another... Whatever that is?

No, I'm all right. It's grapefruit juice.

Grapefruit juice. Far out.

I'm gonna get another beer.

All right.

You want me to be your friend.

But that's not what's really going on.

What's really going on is you have some problems and you want some therapy,

but you feel it could be very bad for panda modem stock...

If word got out that you were having head problems.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Of course. That's exactly what I want.

- Have you thought about getting a wife? - Yeah.