Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.

Venerable ancestors, 1000 years ago the Evil One was driven

from the face of the globe.

As we then foretold, there would come a time

when evil, corruption, and perversion would rise again,

and the Evil One would be able to return.

That time is now.

At the end of Mercury's next journey,

the dragon shall dance through the hoop of Jupiter.

If at that moment, the monkey will ride the jaguar,

and the tiger will feast on the nubile,

the order of the universe will be such that the Evil One will

reign supreme for eternity.

There is only one being who can confront the Evil One.

The Chosen One is on his way to us now.

I'm gonna kill you!

Hey!

A 560SL!

Outrageous!

Arthur, when did you get it?

Hey, this baby was my commission

on that Stuart Pandex takeover.

You were in on Stuart Pandex?

You lucky bastard.

Hey, luck had nothing to do with it.

My cleaning lady's nephew's son works for Reginald Stuart.

I knew about that deal six months ago.

Hey!

Inside information, that's illegal.

And this, my friend, is a Mercedes convertible.

And it's all mine!

Ha ha!

Ichiro!

Bye-bye, Kabukiman.

It looks like you and your family are through!

You can kill me, but you can't the spirit of Kabukiman.

Your husband, Ichiro, can't make it to his performance

tonight, sweetheart.

Too bad because you're going to be the hit on Broadway!

I'm telling you, man, with these wheels

the babes are going to be falling all over you.

Huh?

Oh, my!

Dear me!

What happened?

Here you go, buddy.

Get yourself a cup of coffee.

Griswold's the name.

Thank you!

Sergeant Harry Griswold, NYPD.

This city can take its toll on some.

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of nice qualities

about this town.

And some not so nice.

I was following up on a lead to what some might consider just

another New York City massacre.

Pretty woman thrown out of a high-rise window,

her Japanese husband disemboweled,

and their two kids turned into shredded wheat.

I was supposed to be having dinner

with a friend and coworker, Connie LaRosa,

and looking forward to it.

Instead, I stopped at my favorite sidewalk cafe

for a quick bite, and was on my way to some kind

of amateur kabuki performance.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to "Lifestyles of the Wealthy and Well-Known."

Today, we are in a glamorous New York City theater

where just about to begin is a special performance

of the first Manhattan kabuki players adaptation

of "The Kabuki Couples."

Tonight, we are fortunate to focus our spotlight of glamor

on Mr. Reginald Stuart, New York billionaire

businessman and philanthropist.

Good evening, Mr. Stuart.

Good evening, Brian.

It's a great pleasure to be with you tonight.

Your Stuart Foundation provided the funding

for tonight's performance.

That's right we did.

At the Stuart Pandex Corporation we

believe that corporate funding is the best way

to bring culture to the masses.

The reason we've sponsored this particular kabuki performance

is that I myself have been personally

interested for a long time in the work

of Mr. Sato and his family, who have

trained this amateur troupe.

Five minutes to curtain, Mr. Sato.

My revered elder stands ready to pass the gift

and raise the spirit of Kabukiman.

He will now consume the banquet of joining.

My boss, Captain Bender, told me

the Japanese entertain themselves

by going to the kabuki theater.

It's a tradition that's been going on for hundreds of years.

The men dress up like women and do some kind

of poses in slow motion.

And make some kind of weird noises.

I had no idea what I was getting into.

What I did know was that I had missed another date

with Connie LaRosa.

Grandfather, I grow nervous.

The performance has already begun

and the Chosen One has not yet arrived.

If he's not here to receive the gift

when the moon hangs in the eye of the squid,

what shall transpire?

Hey, Oscar-San, you must have some hand.

If something has befallen Ichiro,

will you pass the ancient kabuki powers to me?

But Grandfather!

Hey, Felix-San, this place is a real mess.

Why do you guys always make such a mess?

Eat, eat, eat.

Drink, drink, drink.

It's all you ever do.

Stop complaining.

Shh!

Hey, stop it!

Cut that out, Felix-San.

Do something, Oscar-San, do something.

No!

No!

This is great, huh?

A lot better than I expected.

Everybody freeze!

Police!

Get out of the way!

Move it!

Oh my god, I don't believe what I'm seeing!

The performers are being mowed down

by cheaply-dressed thugs brandishing

expensive, custom-made automatic weapons!

Ah!

Bullets fly and rip my flesh.

Even I am not immune to the dazzling gun play

as I could very well be cut in half.

It's truly mind numbing.

More fabulous in its scope than... than even the fabulous

princess.

Shoot her.

Go ahead, shoot her.

What are you doing?

I think I just saved your life, miss.

Remove yourself from my body, you filthy oaf!

You're welcome.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

Hey!

Knock it off!

Let's get out of here!

We're supposed to be having fun here!

Whoa!

I'm on the case.

That's enough.

It's something crazy!

OK.

I'm wearing a dress.

First I'm kissed by a guy, now I'm wearing a dress.

Fine.

Frank, take couple of notes here.

How did it feel watching your grandfather being

mowed down by machine guns?

Police!

Freeze!

Now, could you ladies... uh, you guys

tell me exactly what happened?

Well, when the bullets started flying I hit the floor.

Yeah, it was like something out of the movies!

You know what I mean? Any numbers?

Did you see anything? There were five of them.

There were twelve!

There were five!

We don't want to get involved.

Freeze!

That was the kind

of boss is Captain Bender was.

Always around when things were going wrong.

I know this is a hard and trying time for you,

but what did you think when you saw

rivulets of blood flowing down his beautiful kabuki costume?

I - had to admit I felt pretty

silly wearing a kabuki dress.

And my fellow officers being there only made matters worse.

Rembrandt, what could possibly

have been running through your mind

when you decided to shoot up an entire theater?

We've almost achieved all our goals.

There's no reason to draw attention to our operation now.

Now I'm going to have to get involved

and wipe all your little asses.

Yes?

Reverend.

Snipes is here to see you, sir.

Snipes is here.

Send him in.

Reverend Snipes, so good to see you.

What brings you here at such an ungodly hour?

Who are you kidding, Reggie?

We got business to discuss.

Oh, have we?