David Spade: Nothing Personal

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Whoo!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice.

Thank you, Minneapolis.

Have a seat.

It's good to see you.

-Thank you, balcony. I appreciate it. -

- -

I appreciate you coming and paying half price.

-I thank you very much. It's… -

Someone tried to hug me today.

I mean, I sound like a dick, but

this older woman was very sweet,

and she saw me, and we both froze, and she goes, "Oh, no."

- -"Wait a second."

"No, are you someone?"

And I go, "Yes, I am."

And she goes, "Give me a hug."

I go, "Oh, no."

Not because I don't like it,

it's just I'm terrified.

You know what I mean?

Who's hugging, still?

I go, "Oh, maybe I could just get away with a fist bump."

She goes, "Nope. Come here."

"I'm a hugger."

- -

She did this eight-foot wingspan,

and she came in for the kill, and I gave up.

I said, "All right. Bring it in. Let's both die. Come on."

Because I don't know what's going on, and she said… I don't…

But that's how paranoid I am.

And by the way, the old "I'm a hugger." Can we get rid of that?

I mean, it's not working anymore.

I'm a hugger and that's it?

No questions asked?

That shouldn't work anymore for obvious reasons.

And it definitely doesn't work with guys for probably 100 reasons.

I mean, my uncle is like that.

"Come on. Come here!"

"I'm an ass-grabber, get in here."

"Oh, give it a chooching ass."

"No. It's okay."

-"I'm just an ass grabber." -

"Don't be weird about it."

"No. I grab asses, and I like it."

"No. We understand that part."

"I'm an old-school guy."

"It's part of my charm."

"I'm a camel toe grazer."

"And that's what I do."

"Just a little bit on the knuckles."

"I don't even feel it. I have no nerve endings."

"You can't get mad."

"Ask my family. I've been doing it forever."

"I like to bump a biscuit now and then, and everyone's been cool with it."

"I don't wanna change. Don't be so… woke. Come on."

But yeah, I think that's gone.

But I'm from California…

…and, um, I don't know if you've heard,

but we're in the third year of our two-week lockdown,

and it's going really badly.

- -Um…

It's very tricky to have a lockdown

because about six months into it, I was like,

"Any word on the two-week lockdown? Has anyone said anything to you?"

"Because I'm still in my house."

And then our governor came out,

and they said he's gonna have a press conference

and announce he's opening things.

All I want is restaurants. That's all I, honestly, give a fuck about.

I said, "Great."

"Let's do restaurants."

So he comes out on TV,

waste of fucking time, 'cause he goes,

"Starting Monday, we're gonna do the purple tier."

I'm like, "Awesome."

"No idea what that is. Let's go."

"Starting Monday, we're gonna open rock quarries."

"Archery repair shops."

"What did he say?"

"Did he say archery?"

"Decoupage centers."

"Caterpillar sanctuaries."

What the fuck is going on?

What's happening?

Anything about restaurants? "No, that's tangerine tier, that's…"

"You don't know this? You don't…"

"That's a year and a half away, but…"

Such a drag.

And then a few months after that, there were some whispers of a vaccine.

Remember that?

Jab, jab, jab.

Puh-fizer, Puh-fizer. I don't know how to say it. Puh-fizer.

But then,

out of nowhere after all this time, like a year,

suddenly three vaccines came out the same day.

A little suspicious. I didn't give a fuck.

I'm willing to look the other way. Jab me. Let's go eat.

You know what I mean, like… a little sketchy.

- -The same week.

I'm all in. I do not care.

Let's go.

And it was, actually, like a horse race for a while.

'Cause it's like, "Here comes Pfizer."

"Pfizer looks like it's gonna be out first."

"Oh! There's Moderna coming around that corner. Moderna, Moder--…"

"Who's this? AstraZeneca pulling up by a hair!"

Anyway, Pfizer wins,

and then Pfizer comes out, and the guy's announcing it.

And they're so proud, they're like, "We're Pfizer."

"We are 90% efficacy."

And I'm like, "What did you say to me?"

I swear to God. I thought he was saying efficiency wrong,

because I went to community college.

I don't know anything.

And I told my friend,

"This idiot said it wrong three times in a row,

and no one said one thing about it."

"We're 90% efficacy Pfizer, and we have to be

at 45,000 degrees below zero."

And I'm like, "That's okay."

Listen, there's a few quirks to it, that's fine.

Like, what does my fridge go to?

I don't know. But you know what? I'll take it.

Next day,

"We're Moderna."

- -

"We are 95% efficacy."

Oh.

"And we're room temp."

Ah.

I'm listening.

Next day, "We're AstraZeneca."

"We're 96%."

"And we're a bath bomb."

Holy shit!

I'm in.

That one sounds real easy.

Fixed.

And then, Dr. Grouchy. I've sorta had it with him.

I mean, no offense, it's

just buzzkill.

- -Hammering me with bad news.

No bedside manner. Every time he sees me, it's like,

"What do you think?" "Gonna be worse."

"If I had to guess with absolutely no information,

I'd bet on worse."

"Everything will be bad to worse to shitty."

No matter what. I'm like, "Goddamn."

"Any hope, dude? Let's mix it up."

"Second opinion?"

"No, I'm your guy, and it's bad."

And then, they always have a running death count in the corner,

which was horrifying.

I'd block it with my hand 'cause it was such a drag,

and it was the Jerry Lewis Telethon. We're like, "Tiffany, roll it."

"Oh, we hit a million!" Like…

That doesn't make me feel good.

Grouchy. And he was always like, "Oh, by the way…" he kept going,

"There's gonna be a fifth wave. I warn ya, fifth wave."

And there was a fifth wave, and he was jizzing on it.

He was so happy it came true.

I was like, "Goddammit!"

He's like, "Back on TV! Makeup. Here we go. Ring light."

"Oh, it's gonna be bad. Fifth wave."

"It's gonna be worse than Rocky V."

No, it's not.

It's not gonna be worse than Rocky V. What are you talking about?

But you do sound like the trainer in Rocky V.

"This one's gonna hurt you permanent, Rock."

"Permanent and it's gonna put you in a body bag."

Three people know Rocky.

Actually…

actually, when I heard, uh…

when I moved to Los Angeles, I heard a rumor about Stallone

because, you know, I guess last year he…

he was accused of some "me too" stuff.

And I don't know if it's true, but that came out.

And then I remember when I moved to town,

I heard some dumb rumor about him

that was like, "Oh, uh, his wiener doesn't work."

Wiener doesn't work. You heard me right.

And I go… I'm, like, at a keg party going,

"What happened?"

And they go, "Yeah, 'cause in Rambo 3, I guess he took steroids, or…"

You know, which I did see. I won't tell you what happens, but…

And I guess…

And on top of that… Ridiculous, this is what they said,

"He's, uh… he's got a pump in there."

"Like a perfume pump on his hip to make it go up." I go,