Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham -

the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me.

He likes my suit.

LAUGHTER

Number one, Citizen Khan.

Pride of Birmingham Awards 2015.

Entry for Mr Khan, Community Leader.

Go on, Riaz!

Mm. Salted peanuts.

My favourite.

Oh, no. I'm choking.

HE PRETENDS TO COUGH

LAUGHTER

Oh, no! It looks like you are choking!

Don't worry, stranger in my kitchen.

I, Mr Khan, community leader of number 22 Malvison Road, Sparkhill,

will save you!

Come on!

Don't you dare die on me!

I'll have to try mouth-to-mouth.

Riaz!

I'm fine now.

HE COUGHS Never felt better. Thanks.

Riaz, this is important!

It's for the Pride of Birmingham Awards, for local heroes.

They give these awards to a right bunch of idiots.

They're bound to give me one!

LAUGHTER

Look, this time, when you choke,

try and make it look more realistic, huh?

OK. MR KHAN SIGHS

Salaam aleikum, Papaji.

Waleikum salam, my little imami.

LAUGHTER

What's going on?

I'm entering Birmingham Pride.

LAUGHTER What?

Birmingham Pride.

Birmingham Pride?

Like Birmingham Pride Pride?

Actual Pride?

Yep!

Riaz and I are even recording a special video for it.

LAUGHTER

It's a little bit naughty,

but you only live once, eh?

LAUGHTER

O.M.G.

Will you be in the parade?

Well, I guess so! Right at the front.

Wait till the men down the mosque hear about it.

They'll all want a piece of me! LAUGHTER

RIAZ COUGHS

That's much better, Riaz!

Oh, my God!

I know! He's good, isn't he?

Robert Ruddy Redford, eat your bloomin' heart out!

HE COUGHS LOUDLY

Papaji, he's choking!

Do something!

That's brilliant!

RIAZ COUGHS LOUDLY

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Mr Khan.

Right, very good, Riaz.

This time, we'll record it, hm?

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, that was the last salted nut...

Fine. We'll have to go with Plan B - fire rescue.

Pass me the petrol.

LAUGHTER

Sweetie? Shh!

What are you doing?!

You can't do that!

That's one of the special glasses!

LAUGHTER

Use this one, much cheaper.

LAUGHTER

It's Shazia and Amjad. They're arguing. Again!

Sweetie, it's none of our business.

She's really yelling at him.

At Amjad? Really?

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

They never used to argue. I'm worried something's wrong.

Why should something be wrong?

They're married. They shouldn't be arguing and shouting

at each other all the time.

We argue. No. LAUGHTER

Yes, we do. We argue all the time.

No. We argued this morning about who didn't do the flush in the toilet!

LAUGHTER

That wasn't arguing.

Well, it wasn't me!

We don't argue, OK?

We're very happy!

LAUGHTER

You're right.

If only they were more like us, huh?

Come on, let's watch telly. Border Control's on.

One of your cousins might be on it. Again.

LAUGHTER

They've just had a new baby. It can be a very stressful time.

The feeding, the crying, the sleepless nights.

You remember what it was like when we had Shazia!

HE SIGHS Yes, it was very hard.

You slept in the spare room.

And the mattress in there was very hard.

LAUGHTER

It's tough enough being newlyweds,

getting used to each other's little habits.

What habits?

You remember, when we were first married

and we lived in that bedsit.

And there was beard hair all over the sink.

It was disgusting!

Yes, it was.

But I still loved you, my darling.

LAUGHTER

It can put a strain on any relationship.

Even with you know...

What?

You know...

Tang tang! LAUGHTER

Is that what all the noise is?

You shouldn't be listening to that, sweetie, it's not right!

They're not doing it now, you idiot.

Maybe they're not doing it at all!

That could be part of the problem.

Well, they must have done it at least once

or where did baby Mohammad come from?

LAUGHTER

Maybe they need to go away.

Just the two of them together.

You know, rekindle the romance.

Not that you'd know anything about that.

Rubbish!

GROANING

LAUGHTER

This is serious.

Mrs Akram's daughter had a baby

and within a year her husband had run away with the estate agent.

And she and her baby moved back in with her parents!

What?!

LAUGHTER

I can't hear anything.

It's gone quiet. Maybe they're making up.

I can't find the spare nappies, have you got them?

Wow! These glasses are amazing.

It sounds like they're in the next room!

LAUGHTER

What are you doing?

LAUGHTER

And that's how you tell if the wallpaper's coming away.

LAUGHTER

Mum, I'll put Mo in his travel cot.

He's been fed, and I've just changed his nappy.

And all his stuff's in the bag.

BABY GURGLES

Amjad, you forgot the nappies.

I thought you were getting the nappies!

No! That was one of your jobs.

I can't do everything, can I, budhoo?

And I can't do anything, can I, ladoo?

LAUGHTER

Oh, it's nice of you to come over.

It's nice to do things together, isn't it?

Nappies, budhoo!

I'll get them in a minute, ladoo!

Like shouting.

LAUGHTER

So, Amjad, are you and Shazia managing to

find some time together?

Not really.

It's all about baby Mo now.

We don't get a minute to ourselves.

Not even 30 seconds?

LAUGHTER

What?

10 seconds? Even I can manage 10 seconds.

LAUGHTER

Beti, it's your anniversary today.

Why don't you and Amjad leave baby Mo with us

and go off by yourselves somewhere for a couple of days?

What for?

You know, to spend some time together, be romantic.

You remember romantic, don't you?

Yes.

LAUGHTER But those days are over.

Why don't you try experimenting a bit?

What?

You know, mix it up a little.

Me and your mother do it all the time!

LAUGHTER

What? Oh, yes!

Last night, I washed and she dried!

LAUGHTER

Oh, right!

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY