How I Met Your Mother

Look at this,

your wedding weekend. I know.

This close to finally having sex again.

It's been forever.

Oh, you and Robin been abstaining?

Talking about you, Ted.

Now here's the deal: every hookup

at a weekend wedding is decided at Friday night drinks.

Get stuck with the wrong girl

tonight, the only action you'll be getting all weekend

is a self-five, and I don't mean the cool kind.

Self-five! That's the cool kind.

Well, that's a big decision.

The biggest.

It brings to mind that religious text

which we hold most sacred:

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Remember? They entered a chamber.

Really? I'm the one working with the Nazis?

Ted, just... just... okay?

Yeah. They had to choose

which cup was this special cup.

I forget what it was called,

but it's like the Holy Grail of cups.

It was the Holy Grail. Of cups, exactly.

So the Nazi confederate chose, and...

Please don't make me do that...

Ted, Ted, the confederate Nazi chose, and...? - I...

Okay, okay.

Oh.

And so now I'm gonna explode.

He chose...

poorly.

Then Indy picked a cup, and...

You chose...

wisely.

So choose wisely, Ted.

To help you decide, I spent all day yesterday

picking your top three prospects.

And I helped.

It was either that or writing our vows.

Uch! Gag.

Sophia was Robin's college roommate,

and she's apparently "a bit of a screamer" in the sack.

Yeah, mid-sex,

she sounds exactly like a car alarm from the '90s.

You know, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, ooh-uh, ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah.

Dudes love it.

Cassie is the daughter of my mom's best friend.

Sad story: 12 years ago, her gymnast career

was tragically cut short when her boobs got too big.

Grace is a new coworker.

She's had six different positions at the firm,

and that was just at the Christmas party.

Ooh.

So, Grace doesn't arrive till later, Mm-hmm.

I recommend Sophia.

I strongly feel that you should strongly feel her.

I guess it's decided, then.

Ted, right? Yeah.

I'm Cassie.

Oh... something tells me

that we are gonna have a lot of fun this weekend.

Cassie. I pick Cassie.

You chose...

poorly.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

Hey, there's our minister.

Oh, what a sweet-looking old...

Ah! He looks scary.

Looks can be deceiving, Lily.

But not in this case.

He's a mean old tool.

Oh, he can't be that bad.

I'll get him to come around. Just...

Hi, Reverend,

I'm Lily Aldrin, the maid of honor.

Not too much honor.

You're dressed like a whore.

So what's going on? Why aren't you telling your wife

you got an offer to be a judge?

Lily had her heart set on us moving to Rome,

so I have to tell her in person.

That way, I know that I can convince her

that we need to stay.

In the courtroom, they call me The Convincer.

They really call you that?

I convinced them to call me that.

But you have to prepare for your court cases.

Did you prepare for talking to Lily?

I don't need to prepare, okay?

I can craft a nice...

thingy.

Oh, wow I'm totally...

the twisty metal thingy?

You're screwed.

I'm screwed!

I'm sorry, Ted, I don't know.

I'm just so tired of this routine:

we flirt, we have a few drinks,

and then we end the night with meaningless sex.

Oh...

yeah.

Me, too.

Do you want to start the night with meaningless sex

and then flirt later?

You are a visionary.

Come on.

Oh! Oh! It's work.

Should I get it or ignore it?

Or get it? Oh, or ignore it?

Um... Forget it?

You know? Go ahead, get it.

Okay.

Hello?

You chose...

poorly.

I'm fired?

But teaching there was my dream job!

And you guys are my only friends.

You all hate me?

Can I at least say good-bye to all my kids?

My kids all hate me?!

Oh!

Oh. It's okay.

So, what were we about to do?

I think it was "meaningless" something?

Meaningless socks? No.

No, it wasn't meaningless socks.

Hey, hi, hi, hi.

Um, so, a little problem.

I was trying really hard not to offend your minister...

So how did you and your husband meet?

Oh, it was our first week of college.

I needed help hooking up my stereo,

so I walked down the hall, and I just knew

I should knock on this one door.

Marshall opened it.

It was destiny.

Hi. Hi.

We've been together ever since.

Excuse me!

What did I do wrong?

What did you do wrong?

We really wanted him to marry us.

His church has cute coming out the wazoo,

but when we met with him...

No pets in my church.

No casual attire in my church.

No gum. No sports logos...

Reverend? More like Never-end.

Prayer-five. No shouting. No cell phones.

I'll warn you

that I turn down most wedding requests.

Particularly from boozy, promiscuous Manhattanites

who only want me to marry them because

my church has "cute coming out the wazoo."

That is the total opposite of us.

People are like that?

Well, then, how did you two meet?

Oh, um, um...

Um...

Uh, we've been... dating since college.

We met the very first week.

I needed help hooking up my stereo,

so I walked down the hall, and I just knew

that I should knock on this one door.

I opened the door.

And it was destiny.

Hi.

Hi.

We've been together ever since!

You stole our story of how we met?!

We had to! Your story is so sweet! Mm.

You didn't even kiss till the third date.

By our third date, I'd hit more bases

than Bob Hope on a USO tour. Topical.

Now Reverend Lowell knows that we lied to him.

What if he cancels our wedding?

What? That's ridiculous.

Barney, Robin, I need to speak

with you in private immediately.

And it's not just losing my job,

my car just got stolen with all my stuff in it.

And now I think I'm getting the flu!

I'm sorry.

I've been talking for, like, a half an hour.

It's fine. 40 minutes. It's fine.

Still, I think I would be able to handle all of this

if my boyfriend Wesley hadn't just broken up with me!

Why don't you tell me about it?

Okay! I should go back to the beginning.

Oh, no, before the beginning.

Winter, 1998...

Man, this girl is a drag!

If I hurry, I bet I still have a shot with Sophia.

Okay, I'll get one more drink with Cassie, then bail.

But where, bar or dining room?

Bar or dining room?

For my fourth date with Wesley, we went...