Mike & Molly

Oh, no, mom put the lawn jockey out again.

Please don't make me go in there. Relax.

It's just dinner. We'll have a bite to eat,

We're in, we're out.

Isn't that what hansel said to gretel?

It'll be fine.

We just have to agree on an exit strategy.

Oh, absolutely, an exit strategy.

I could say I don't feel well.

No, I already used "molly doesn't feel well"

To get out of coming over last Sunday.

You had shingles, by the way.

How about we tell her I have papers to grade?

Not bad, not bad.

I was gonna go with head lice, but I think she keeps

A can of rid and a metal comb underneath the sink.

We'll go with "papers to grade""

Now, do we need a signal of some sort

So I know when you're ready to leave?

The tears streaming down my face not enough, huh?

Oh, here we go-- when one of us says "egg salad""

That means wrap it up and get the hell out.

Okay, but how am I supposed to work

"egg salad" into a conversation?

You just did.

All right, forget egg salad.

Uh, how about when one of us goes,

"hey, you know what's a great song?

'papa loves mambo.'"

Egg salad, it is.

Hang on.

Let me just apologize in advance

For whatever horrors lie within those walls.

Oh. I guess this is part of being a couple.

I like hearing you call us a couple.

I like saying it.

Molly and mike.

You guys gonna suck face all day,

Or are you coming inside?

Egg salad...

You kids want some more coffee?

Mom, you shouldn't be walking around on that bad toe.

What's the worst that can happen,

It turns black and falls off?

I got eight more.

You really should see a doctor, mrs. Biggs.

You don't want it to get infected.

Well, that'll teach me

For going to that vietnamese manicurist.

That crazy mamasan went after my cuticle

Like she was hacking down a banana leaf.

How's the pie?

Really delicious.

Plenty more in the kitchen, if you're still hungry.

None for me-- I had a big bowl of egg salad for lunch.

Actually, I could go for another little sliver of pie.

Mikey does love his pie.

You do any baking?

No. I don't cook much.

I work a lot, and between school and the shingles, I...

When mikey was a little boy,

I worked full-time in the school cafeteria

And still managed to put a hot meal on the table.

School cafeteria, huh?

I'll bet that's why you're such a good cook.

Well, you pick up a few culinary tricks

When you're stirring goulash with a boat oar.

By the way,

I bought you a present.

Really?

Oh. That's really very sweet.

I know.

Ah...

It's a...

Hat, right?

I didn't know your head size, but the fellow that worked there

Was about your build, and it fit him, so...

I don't know what to say. Try it on.

Yeah, that's what I thought it would look like.

Whoa.

Did you lose a bet?

No, mike, your mother bought me

This beautiful hat as a gift.

Looks nice on her, doesn't it?

Absolutely. What color yellow is that?

Kind of a egg salad, right?

Yes.

Well, thank you for dinner and the lovely hat. Hey!

Why don't you wear it when you come over for thanksgiving?

You were planning on coming over

For thanksgiving, weren't you?

Actually, uh, we're going to molly's house this year, right?

Okay.

Yeah, she's been prepping for weeks.

I thought you told me you didn't cook.

And I don't, normally.

But, uh, for thanksgiving, I am a regular martha stewart.

Turkey... Stuffing...

Assorted, uh, colorful jell-o's.

Well, I guess jim and I will just split a can of hash

And listen to the radio.

That sounds like a nice thanksgiving.

: Mike, no.

Stop, stop...

Uh, we would love to have you join us for thanksgiving dinner.

Well, if you're sure I won't be a bother.

No. No bother.

Can I bring jim?

He gets nervous when I leave him alone

And practically chews his testicles raw.

What the hell happened in there?

You went completely off the rails! What was I supposed to do?

She sat there with that sad, pathetic look on her face.

Nah, she sensed your weakness and then pounced.

You can't ever drop your guard

Or look the beast directly in the eye. Hey, I called

An "egg salad" audible before any of that happened.

Somebody mentions "pie," and the whole exit strategy

Goes out the window.

Oh, "big bowl of egg salad."

I thought that was weird when you said that.

Now your mom's invited to a thanksgiving dinner

That's not even taking place!

What are you talking about?

Doesn't your family cook a big meal?

All right, picture my mom and my sister.

Now imagine them working with appliances

More complex than a blender or a bong.

Okay, but you can cook, right?

A little bit, but I've never prepared a thanksgiving dinner before.

You got to be kidding me.

Is that a deal-breaker for you, sport?

Okay, let's not lash out at each other.

Do you know how much work is involved

With preparing a thanksgiving dinner? I don't.

I'm usually brought in when someone says,

"what the hell are we gonna do with the rest of this food?"

But we'll figure it out together,

You and me, working as a team,

Our first thanksgiving.

All right, I'll do this, but only because I want your mom to see me

As a strong, capable woman.

I'm still wearing the hat, aren't I?!

Damn it!

You're getting an early start this morning, doodlebug.

Yeah. It's really busy at the mortuary.

I could barely put makeup on one cadaver

Before another three are breathing down my neck.

Well, it's still better than cocktail waitressing.

At least no dead guy's tried to grab your ass

Or honk your boob.

Yet.

Oh, morning there.

Good morning.

Guys, listen, mike and I are making thanksgiving dinner

For his mom here, and I'd really like it

If maybe you could help out a little.

Oh, mol, I'm so sorry.

I've got a previous engagement.

I'm gonna take shrooms and go to the blackhawks game.

Yeah, and vince and I are going to an indian casino

To drink whiskey and play slots.

That's how you're gonna spend thanksgiving?

Well, sweetie, we stole all that land from those poor people.

The least we can do is buy their firewater

And lose plenty wampum.

Come on, guys, I want to show mike's mom

That I can pull off a normal, traditional family thanksgiving.

And god help me, you're my normal, traditional family.

What do you think?

Sure, I guess.

Thank you.

I'm still gonna get wasted.

I'm wasted right now.

Hm? It's 7:00 in the morning.

You try putting lipstick on a dead guy without a load on.

Thanks, man. My grandma's gonna love this.

Really? I mean, it's fairly hideous.

Nah.

She loves ugly hats.

She wore one last Sunday

That looked like bert and ernie in a cage match.

Listen, how'd you like to come over for thanksgiving?

Hm. You mean eating turkey off a tv tray

And watching that sad-ass dog chew himself every time

Your mom leaves the room? I think not.

No, we're having it at molly's house this year.

My mom, her mom, her sister.

I can't. Grandma and I are going to the potluck at church.

Well, bring nana with you. I don't know.

They got a lot of single ladies at that potluck,

And they're vulnerable during the holidays.

You know, sometimes they'll throw you one on turkey day

Just so they can have a date on christmas.

Please, you can't leave me alone in that henhouse.

Well, I already invited samuel to come with us.

Can I bring him over to molly's place?

Absolutely. Molly won't mind.

The more, the merrier.

Hey, samuel, change in plans.