Only Murders in the Building

"This dusty old chestnut has been Botoxed,

bedazzled, and brought back to life!"

Holy shit! Your mom poisoned me.

- I'm telling the cops. -

Your mom confessed to killing Ben.

I know.

But it wasn't her.

It was you at the elevator with Ben.

- -

What'd you wish for?

Uh, that was Grey's New Orleans Family Burn Unit.

They say they're willing to wait for you.

Sazz!

Something I need to talk to you about when you get a sec, huh?

- It's a little sensitive? - Yeah, sure.

Since we're celebrating, I'm gonna go upstairs, and I'm gonna get a bottle

of 1966 Argentinian Malbec I've been saving.

- -

Hey, what's taking her so long?

Sazz better not be drinking our Malbecita del Cielo without us.

Motion pictures were created over 100 years ago

and ever since then, we've had countless moving images

emblazoned in our memories.

And ever since then, we've had a chance to ask,

"Is that how I look when I run?"

Teacher said I gotta do it!

I'm gonna be crazy. You gotta help me over here.

You better, girl!

If you have old home movies of yourself,

it can be hard to relate to the person you're watching.

"Is that really me

"or just who I used to be?

And is that how I want to be remembered?"

But at least we have those images on screen.

In that way, Ben Glenroy lives on,

in his films, his TV shows,

and a Super Bowl commercial

where a baby stole his chili bowl.

Only hours ago, we solved his murder

and closed the curtain on not one,

but two criminal Broadway producers.

So, with that, friends in podcast land,

we conclude yet another season of.

Only Murders in the Building.

Until next time,

- I'm Charles-Ha... Hm? -

- What the hell?! - Jesus.

Power surge. That hasn't happened in a while.

Not since they banned the old incinerator.

Should I redo that last speech? Maybe just the end?

And we're back up.

I need a... you know.

And... action!

Den Savage!

You can just splice that onto the "Charles-Ha..."

Yeah, I'll get out the splicer.

What a night, huh?

Hey, why don't we head up to my place for a-a proper nightcap?

Maybe a, a little quick toast to the miracles we pulled off together.

I do like a sentimental moment, especially if the liquor is good.

- Ha! - I don't, but I like liquor.

- And away we go. -

- Good. -

I've been saving that Malbec.

Weird Sazz never came back with it.

Oh yeah, whatever happened to her?

Who knows? Typical Sazz. Here one minute, gone the next.

- Hm. -

Hey, did you guys see this email from a "Bev Melon" about our podcast?

Bev Melon? Must be tough to have a last name that's a fruit.

- Hm. - Fiona Apple. Darryl Strawberry.

Gilbert Grape.

Something was always eating him.

- -

So, what's next, podcast-wise?

Charles, you mentioned a cold case?

Oh, please. If it was interesting, it wouldn't be cold.

No, what we need is a hot, fresh dead body,

preferably right here or very near to here.

It's true. We've been very lucky with people dying in our building.

Yeah, but it is kind of a flaw in our business model.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God! There she is!

- What? - Who?

Heh.

My Malbecita.

- So, Sazz never even made it up here? - That's odd.

- - Okay, watch this.

- -

- Mm. - Wow, so cool.

Like stepping into a Sharper Image catalog.

See? And what's cool, the cork...

- -

- I've got it. - Oh, my God.

- What a stupid... - Oh shit!

Mabel, it's fine. Maybe a little time off is a good thing.

I mean, it's always a good thing when someone doesn't get murdered, right?

- Yeah, always. - Oh, absolutely.

But if someone had to get murdered,

let's all say who we hope it would be.

- That's in poor taste. - Oh, no, no, it's fine.

Count of three. One, two...

- Oliver. - Me?

- -

- -

- -

- -

- - Charles! Open up!

Charles!

Dead! They've closed us!

Death Rattle Dazzle, it's over!

- It's all over! - Help.

Yes, I'm still homeless. Yes, this is his least offensive robe.

I've been on the phone all morning.

Donna and Cliff have pulled their financing!

For "bail" and "defense attorneys,"

some stupid shit like that!

- What about our great reviews? - One!

One great review. Maxine. The rest were middling, at best.

- So we don't have to do it again? - Charles, not helping.

Last night, I was King of Broadway.

A-And now, I'm in God's toilet!

I wish I could drop dead right here!

Oh, oh, and get this.

I told my sweet Loretta the show's over,

she's already flying off to LA tonight.

She's got a TV gig lined up.

Didn't you tell her to take that?

I didn't think she would!

Oh, I'm dizzy.

The room is spinning.

This is it.

Th-The end of the road.

Mama?

Mama, I'm cold!

Hey, I'm sorry about all this, but it could be worse.

All morning, I have been hearing this whistling sound.

I might have a brain tumor!

- Look, don't try to cheer me up. -

Guess who got a new puppy!

- - Everybody, say hello to Gravey.

Gravy?

I just adopted her.

I went looking for a cat, and I came home with Gravey.

The shelter won't let me adopt any more cats.

Apparently, I'm on a list. I've hired a lawyer.

Anyway, Sevelyn loves her.

They sleep in the same bed right on top of each other.

So, Sevelyn's covered in Gravy?

Yes, and I eat 'em both up.

Don't I eat you up, Gravey?

Yes, I do! Yes, I do! I lap up all my Gravey!

You know, Mabel, Gravey is retired. She used to be a working girl.

- Really? What did she do? - They didn't tell me.

But it got me thinking, we should do a podcast about animals and their jobs.

A-Are you pitching me right now?

The world craves your content. You need to be thinking about this.

Uh, what I need is a place to live and a real job.

Oh! That's what it could be called. "Animal Jobs."

- - Oh my...

- Ah! - Uh, down! Down! Down, Gravey!

- I-I've never seen her like this. - In the two hours you've had her?

- - I-I'm gonna take her for a walk.

- Mabel, think about that podcast. -

- I'm pretty sure I won't. -

- Come on, Gravey... -

Come on, girl. You're a good girl.

I got another email from that Bev Melon.

- I did, too. - Do you think it's real?

- Is what real? - It looks kinda real.

Yeah, but, like, the Paramount Studios?

What are you talking about?

They wanna make a movie of our podcast.

They? Paramount? The pictures?

They wanna fly us all out to LA for some meeting next week.

Hoe-dee-doe, I am back, baby!

Fuck the theater!

- I-I don't think I can go. - What?

Well, I'm worried about Sazz.

Last night at the party, she had something "sensitive"

to discuss with me.

And I keep hearing this whistling noise.

Sazz is a whistler. Did I ever tell you that?

Sazz is a whistler? Wow, Charles.

How did you manage to keep that riveting morsel to yourself?