The Mighty Boosh

Psst!

I am so glad you are here. We have precious little time.

I need you to perform a task of unimaginable danger.

I believe you are the only man who can do it. Do you accept?

-What are the hours? -It will take the rest of your life and beyond.

All right, I haven't got much on.

Take this. It is a sacred amulet.

If that falls into the hands of our enemies, this planet will be doomed.

You must take it away and hide it.

-Who are you anyway? -It is I, the King.

Cool. I'll just nip home and get a couple of bits.

No, we have no time. You must go far away to a planet called Earth.

How will I get there?

Press the button in the amulet, it will take you there.

-Cheers, King. I'll never forget you. -And I will never forget you, Banoo.

-It's Naboo, actually. -What?

I came as quickly as I could. My liege. I have trained for over 30 years for this task.

I'm the fittest, the strongest, the fastest warrior in all the land.

With me the amulet will be safe. I am your humble servant, Banoo.

Shit!

Come with us now on a journey through time and space...

...to the world of The Mighty Boosh.

# The Mighty Boosh # Come with us to the Mighty Boosh

# The Mighty Boosh # Come with us to the Mighty Boosh #

-Cup of tea? -What's the point?

Come on, we've had worse gigs than that, you know. Just a tough crowd.

You heard what they were saying, ''Why did you bring your dad on stage?''

They could've been talking about the soundman.

They were talking about me and you know it. ''Who's that? Your science teacher?''

Well, you've always been more mature than me, you know.

-We're the same age! -I know. It was always like that, even at school.

Hey, Vince, I don't know what I'm doing.

Cheers.

-Oi, Vince, is that your dad? -No!

-We're the same age! -Come on, Howard, let's get out of here.

I've always been big-boned.

Exactly. People love that about you, you know. You know what people call you?

-What? -The Buffalo man.

What's a big old buffalo doing trying to make it in a band?

It's a young man's game. I've already got four crow's-feet.

-Maybe I should get a face-lift. -Well, that is an option.

It's a drastic one, though. There's other things you could do first.

-Like what? -Well, I mean your outfit. What's going on there?

-This is my look. A good look, a strong look. -Yeah, for Magnum, p.i. maybe. Hawaiian shorts?

Yeah. My legs are my best feature. I've been told they're slim and youthful.

They're not going to get you on the cover of NME though, are they?

Don't be knocking the pegs, okay? These babies have turned heads in their time.

Look, Howard, I think you're going to have to learn to accessorise.

-What? -Well, you know, gloves, belts, badges.

You can really breathe new life into an outfit.

I don't accessorise. I'm Howard Moon.

There's a simple truth to me. I don't have to adorn myself in trinkets.

Whatever.

# Time is calling out my name

# Howard

# Playing the final rules of this game

# Chess

# All my hopes and dreams have turned to dust

# The armour of my youth gone to rust #

-What's up with him? -He's having an age crisis.

-Well, it is all about youth these days. -I know. How old are you?

-Real age or press age? -Real age.

I am 40. But because I am DJ, I say 29.

Nice.

-What about Naboo? -He 406.

-No way! He looks about 1 2. -Yeah.

What's his secret? Oil of Ulay I bet.

-He has different secret. -Oh, yeah?

Yeah, he has access to Fountain of Youth.

-He must have hidden it somewhere. -Imagine if we find it, it will be genius.

-Our old brains encased in tight youthful faces. -Where is it?

-I've got something. There's a map here. -I'll take that.

-I'm the cartographer around here. -I found it.

There's something for you. That's more your style, isn't it?

-Nice and shiny. -Cool.

''To find the Fountain of Youth you must first reach the Desert of Nightmares.''

-What did you say? -If only we could find the Desert of Nightmares.

Check this out.

Do you think Naboo will mind us borrowing this for a while?

-No. -Come on.

-Let's get ourselves some youth juice. -Yeah.

-I don't believe it. We've gone round in circles. -I've read about this.

If you're walking in the desert and there's no landmarks

and you've got one leg shorter than the other, you just go round in circles.

-What are you saying about my legs? -I'm not saying anything about your legs.

You're always having a poke at my legs, aren't you?

I'm not talking about your.... Well, they are quite funny.

There's nothing funny about my legs.

-They're like hosepipes propping up a beanbag. -That's my look, okay? You're just jealous.

You only dream of having legs like mine. Willowy and sleek like the antelope.

Whatever.

Tell you, this Factor 3000 is genius.

It's tested out on Goths and albinos. It's part of the Edgar Winter range.

Yeah, well, give me some.

-There's none left. -Oh, sorry about that.

Oh, great. I'm going to burn up.

You'll be all right. You look good with a tan, you know.

I need to be pale. It's part of my look. I'm the Shoreditch vampire.

I've got sensitive skin, okay. Do you remember why we came here?

I've got four crow's-feet as it is.

-Five, actually. -What do you mean?

-I've just seen one appear under your eye. -Don't be joking now.

-There's another one. -Stop it!

-Six. -Shut up!

-Seven. -Stop it.

-They're coming thick and fast. -This isn't funny, okay?

Halt! What brings you to the Desert of Nightmares?

-Actually, we're looking for the Fountain of Youth. -We're just passing through.

Ah! Many a vain man has come searching for the Fountain of Youth.

And many a vain man has been killed.

-Why? -Because I have killed them.

-Yeah, right. You and whose army? -Me and my army.

Kashungo!

Check us out!

I don't believe this. They've been going through my stuff again.

Probably looking for Fountain of Youth.

Really? And why would they be looking for that, Bollo?

-I don't know. -Have you been yapping off again?

Bollo need to go now.

They've taken the amulet. We've got to go and find them.

Where they go?

To a place far, far away.

A place where I was born.

-Streatham? -No, the planet Xooberon, you jerk off.

Oh, Xooberon. Oh, yeah.

We have reached a verdict.

You shall be buried up to your necks in sand. Left in the midday sun to be cooked alive.

Have you anything to say?

-Have you got the amulet? -Yeah, shall we get out of here?

-One minute. -What are you doing?

-Yeah, I've got something to say, actually. -Oh, really?

Yeah, I was just wondering why you were doing all this sort of stuff.

Is it now, and I'm going out on a limb here, because you're a little bit short?

I'm not short, am I?

See. I'm a big 'un.

Come on, they're just kneeling down to make you look taller.

-I am taller than most things. -Like what?

Chairs. Beach balls. Women on their sides.

You're technically a midget. I'm sorry to break it to you.

I am four foot six without shoeses.

With the hat, maybe. Is that why you wear it? To give you a little boost?

This is all me.

Who looks foolish now?

You, you blue berk. What's that comb-over all about?

That's not disguising the size of your head, you know.

Oh, I'm going to beat you within an inch of your life.

-What with? Your forehead? -Zantar!

Press it now. Press it now, Vince!

-It's not working. -What do you mean it's not working?

-I think the batteries have run out. -What do you mean?

-The batteries are dead. -What batteries?

Yes, good, Zantar. There'll be snacks for you later.

Zantar. A little on the short side but he packs a wallop.

Behold! He has the amulet. All hail our new leader.

Yeah, right. You didn't quite realise who you were messing with, did you?

You don't have the amulet.

-Can't you get any closer? -I'm trying, boss.

-Oh, it's not crashed again, has it? -No, the mouse is stuck.

Zoom in on that bird with the big hair.

Right click, right click. Zoom.

Halle-bleeding-lujah. I knew it, boy.

I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach this morning when I woke up.

At first I thought it was the crabsticks, but now it all makes sense.

The amulet, it's come back at last!

When I get that amulet and get to the Fountain of Youth, I'll rule the universe.

With an army of green bitches marching and destroying everything in their cockney wake.

I love you, boss.

-Shut up and put the tea on. -All right. How about some malt loaf?

-Yeah, I'll have a slice. -Right.

Apples and pears and various other fruit.

Yeah, so basically, I backcomb it. I rarely wash it.

It just stays like this all day.

Bravissimo! Remarkable!

-Could you sign this for my wife? -Yeah.

Make it out to Alan.

Can I have some space? I'm getting a bit claustra.

Give our master some space, you pig dogs.

Can I get you anything else, my little plum dumpling?

Well, I am quite thirsty.

Slave! Water! Now!

-Nice shorts. -I'm not happy about this, you know.

How dare you speak in the presence of the Chosen One!

Chosen One?

-I've already told you. -Will you stop doing that?

You're not listening. Shall I kill him?

Erm...

no, don't kill him. Let me have a word with him in private.

Everyone out, you little dick bags.

I can stay, of course, because I'm the favourite of the Chosen One.

-Oh, my dear sweet gorgeous lord. -What you doing?

Oh, I've crossed the line. Forgive me.

I shall cut off my hand.

Oh, this is bad! God!

No!

God, it hurts so good.

Listen, we've got to get out of here and get some batteries for that amulet.

Where are we going to get those from? The local Dixons?

I don't know where to get them from but we can't get home without them.

-What's the rush? -What do you mean, what's the rush?

-We're being held captive by a violent dwarf. -I'm not.