Viva l'Italia

We'll be voting soon.

Who will you vote for?

To refresh my memory, I dug out this old book.

A masterpiece of imagination and wit.

It's called The Constitution of the Italian Republic.

Let's start at the beginning.

Article one:

"Italy is a democratic Republic founded on labor.

Sovereignty belongs to the people."

That's a laugh to start with.

Let me tell you this story.

I was in Caserta yesterday with my friend Giansanti.

A young man called Carlo came up to me.

He scowled at me and said: "Honorable Spagnolo…

I can't afford to get ill,

as I have no money for medicines.

I can't afford to get married, because I'm unemployed.

What am I supposed to do?

Should I kill myself?"

I took him aside and said:

"Carlo, unlike my fellow candidates,

I say you have a right to a future."

But there won't be a future for this country

without these three essential words

which are: work, security, and family!

- Good morning! How are things? - How do you think?

Tired? You've only just clocked on.

Doctor, my false teeth have fallen in this bottle.

Annibale, that's not a bottle. You mustn't drink from it.

- Can you help me get them out? - Ask Debora.

- Help him. - If he keeps his hands off me.

- Darling! - Yeah…

Watch it, I'll chop those hands off.

Marisa, you're looking lovely today!

Stop being so nice or I might fall in love with you.

- I might fall in love too! - The heart machine…

- The electrocardiogram. - It's not working today either.

Leave it to me. Let Santini examine you.

- I'm over here! - Go to her.

Ok!

- Darling! How are things? - Fine.

- How many mgs are you giving him? - Forty-five.

We'll kill him with 45. I said no more than 20.

- This bitch will kill me! - How dare you, Cesare!

The trade unionists want to talk to you.

Please, I don't have time for these things!

Dr. D'Onofrio, excuse me…

The ECG and dialysis machine are broken. Ten patients need them.

- What do you want me to do? - You're the consultant.

- Where do I send the patients? - I'm talking to Dr. Tommasi!

- Forgive me. - Right.

Go fuck yourself!

Take another.

- Thank you, goodbye. - How did it go?

Fine, I think. Good luck, everyone.

What a jinx! She means "break a leg".

- Susanna Spagnolo? - Over here!

You're an amazing actress, the part's yours. Show them!

This way.

They'll beat the bitch up this time.

As the resigning managing director, I wish to thank the board

for the trust and respect it has shown me over the years.

She wants some work experience. Look at these tits!

- I'll give her some experience! - Don't make me laugh.

- This one's a lawyer. - He's black.

- It'll show we're democratic. - If you say so…

That is why my successor must be

a reliable and honest person,

and therefore I will recommend our head of personnel, Valerio Spagnolo.

Hey! He's called your name.

Yes, here I'm!

I'm very excited about this, so thank you.

- As bright as ever. - This company is facing a battle.

Place your trust in me and I'll triumph like Napoleon at Waterloo.

Spagnolo, Napoleon was defeated at Waterloo.

Yes, but with dignity.

Manlio has a garage full of customers

and he can't go to his wife who's giving birth on the ring road.

You're an interior decorator

and you don't know what to do.

You're desperate, so you call the woman's gynecologist, Doctor…

- Sassone. - Got that? Perfect. Camera!

- I reckon this one will do. - Rolling!

Action!

Dr. Sassone, this is Alessandra Cossuto.

The lady is having terrible contractions.

What shall I do? Tell me!

Now!

- Is she for real? - Kick her out.

We have to give her the part, she's the Hon. Spagnolo's daughter.

What a crap country this is!

THREE CHEERS FOR ITALY

Goodbye.

- A photo with my wife? - I can never refuse a pretty girl.

Smile, my lovely!

Sometimes nature can be so cruel!

This is my cousin Marco. You asked me for someone reliable.

That's right. This is the psychopath

who's following my daughter, a…

- Stalker. - Right.

He's not dangerous but my daughter is terrified.

Her name's Susanna, she's a bit unusual.

Guard her round the clock.

- Do a good job. - Marco's amazing.

He was an actor before he became a bodyguard.

"Learn a trade and put it aside."

Fortunately you'll always find work with people like me.

Thank you, sir.

It well went, no?

It's all sorted, Valerio will take over my job.

- Good. - I had a hard job convincing them.

Your son is not what you would call bright, is he?

You're no genius either.

I got you the TV job and you don't have cable TV.

Well…

Why do you stay here?

Nothing works, you're underpaid and always bitter.

I adore this beautiful building, can't you see?

Come to Boston with me, researchers get paid three times as much.

I can't leave this poor wretch.

You might earn more there, but I would feel lost.

Without Rome football team, my friends, my girlfriend…

- Lasagna. - I'd go crazy.

Well?

Calm down.

The red ball's closest, so Annibale gets the point.

- There, get stuffed! - Go fuck yourself!

- Come on, Cesare! - It's no use rejoicing.

You'll be in your coffin in a few days. And don't yell.

- Miss Spagnolo. - What do you want?

- I'm Marco. - I'm calling the police!

Your father sent me, I'm the new…

Sorry, my mind was elsewhere.

I wasn't thinking.

I'll wait for you in the car.

Yes, I'll be right down after my appointment.

- Why are you seeing a dietitian? - To lose weight.

Look at this tummy!

Right.

- Tell me, I will understand. - I might put your life in danger.

Good evening, I'm home!

Tell me your secret.

- Dad's back! - Leave me alone.

- Do you know who killed Peppino? - No.

- Have you paid the maid? - Let me hear who killed Peppino.

What are you watching?

- Do you need to talk right now? - Take your mother to a neurologist.

- I didn't hear what he said. - I asked a question.

Keep quiet when Land of Regrets is on, OK?

- Did you hear what she said? - She's right.

I'll go and get some bromide.

See how I feel the sentiment

I feel, I feel the sentiment Sentiment, I feel the sentiment

Darn it!

- Do you like it? It's burlesque. - Carry on, get a move on.

Get me a job in a TV drama and I'll show you my booty.

- What do you say? - I'm not feeling well.

I know, I have this effect on people.

Call an ambulance.

Oh God!

- I'm the Honorable Spagnolo's son. - Lucky you!

- How's my father? - How are you?

Stand up straight, you're so pale. Get a juice and sit down.

- Over here? - I'll find out how your father is.

- Thanks. - Michele, please don't die!

- Do you mean Michele… - Michele Spagnolo.

He promised me my own programme, but what if he dies?

I can't take any more! I've been working my butt off for years!

- I should have become a whore. - I'm his son, Valerio Spagnolo.

- Are you a politician, too? - No.

You see, I just knew it!

You'd better go now, you're tired and distraught.

Here's some money to get a taxi.

Next time I give it to someone, I want to see a medical certificate!

- Good, go now. Hello… - How is Dad?

- What are you wearing? - I was at a costume party.

- Who was that? - That was… the anesthetist.

A great professional, very sensitive woman.

- Where the fuck is the exit? - Down there, go on.

Let's sit down here, Mom.

- Mr. Spagnolo's family? - Well, doctor?

- Are you his wife? - Yes, my children are here too.

- All except one. - That's no loss.

- The usual funny guy! - Einstein's here, family's complete.

- What are you wearing? - I was at a party.

The worst is over, but we suspect frontoparietal dementia.

- We'll know in a few days' time. - All I understood was "dementia".

That's all you would understand.

Please, take it easy!

The Honorable Spagnolo is much better. Everything's under control.

He's with his family and he's very serene.

Go fuck yourselves, all of you!

- Dad, that's enough. - Quiet! I can't stand that lisp!

At the moment your husband is unable to show any restraint.

He says whatever comes to mind, including swear words.

- A bit like Tourette syndrome? - Much worse than that.

How much do you eat? You look like a wild boar.

- How dare you! - Warthog!

- Idiot! - Dickhead!

- Shit! - Antonio! Have you gone mad?