30 Rock

... And side. Excellent.Keep those cores strong.

Three, two, let's take itoverhead on one...

This is a classic,prewar onebedroom, onebath...

What?

Oh. The cleaninglady's here.

I live here.What're you doing?

Oh. Haven't you heard?The building's going condo.

If you're planning on buying,i'm wendy. We should talk.

Well, I'm not buying,and they can't just kick me out.

No, they can't,but they can hike your rent up.

Way up.

Let me show youthe bedroom.

-Jack will tell youwhat to do next. -What?

Thanks, cindy.All right, now we'regonna work those glutes.

Hey, do youhave a minute?

Good god, lemon,have you seen this?

As I'm sure you'veconcluded from the headline,don geiss'sestranged son bertram

is suing hishalfsister kathyfor control ofthe geiss family trust fund.

They could've done,"geiss screams, son pay!"

you know, like,ice cream sundae.

This makes me sickto my stomach, lemon.

Don geiss is my hero,my mentor, a great man.

Holding up one fingerto get someone to stop talking...He invented that.

- I don't think... - And now...

He's being publicly humiliatedby his own family.

This is y I'm gladI never had children,and why I never will.

Oh, jack,you don't mean that.

Geiss also invented the abruptconversational segue.

Talk aboutyour thing now.

Okay, well, um,my building is going condo.

And they're tryingto drive the renters out?Are you going tobuy your place?

Well, I love my builng,but if I gonna buy a place

it should be a big placewhere I can have a family.

Then spend someof your dealbreakers money.Buy two apartments.

-What? -You know whymy place is so big?

When I was first married to myexwife we were in the basement.

Over the years I keptbuying the floors above me

to make room for the familyI thought we'd have.

Well, now I havesomething better than a family.

A walkin humidor,a lap pool,

and a replica of the irish pubwhere my grandmother was born.

Well, I'm not rich, jack.

You're doing okay.And this could beyour dream apartment.

Sniff around yourupstairs neighbor,see if he'sanning to leave.

If he's not, make him an offerhe can't refuse.Trademark 1974,

-don geiss. -What, like, bribe him?

I know thissounds ugly,but with manhattan real estatethere are no rules.

It's like checkinat an italian airport.

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30.rock.406

Oh, my god! Frank!

Were you gonna peein that jar?

I didn't knowanyone was here.

That's what youuse the jars for?

You told methat was sun tea.

Some of themare sun tea,

and some of themwere sun tea.

Do you know about this?

We havea gentleman's agreement.

He gets the jars,and in return he's agreed

to let a yale sweatshirtbe our desd fart dampener.

What is wrongwith you guys?

What would it be like if cerieand sue and I were not here?

-We'd have a room dognamed meatus. -I'd take my pants offand eat chicken wings.

Shut it down.Throw away the jars.

Fine, but I'mgonna recycle them,

and then one day as youdrink some apple juice,you'll wonder,"where has this jar been?"

I will fight my sister toothand nail to get what I deserve

because i, bertram geiss,am still daddy's fancy boy.

After the deposition,kathy geiss's lawyeroffered this rebuttal.

My name is teddy ruxpin.Can you and I be friends?

Mr. Donaghy,you wanted to see me?

Kenneth,I have a task for you.

Is it menial?

As part of nbc's annualgreen week initiative,has to reduceits carbon footprint.

I'm putting youin charge that effort.

Global warming, sir?

I'm sorry, that's justa bunch of scientist talk.

Same peoplewho'd have you believe that my greatgrandfatherwas a monkey.

If he was a monkey, then whywas he killed by a monkey?

You're preachingto the choir, kenneth.

I mean, I love the earth.I have these rarekadupul blossoms

flown in every morningfrom sri lanka on a private jet.

That's the definitionof green.And yet they force usto do more.

More sacrifices.Why? For the children.

What have childrenever done for us?

Well, they makeour shoes and wallets.

I need a 5% reductionof energy use across the board.

I'll do itif you insist, sir.

But I'm gonna be grumpyuntil the end this sentence.

Hi, I'm liz,and I live right below you.

Oh, my god.I'm brian. Come in.

Wow, this placeis great.

Isn't it?New kitchen,original molding,

and I have a view because thatdentist blew up his townhouse.

So... You gonnatry and bribe me like the rest of theseyuppie bottom feeders?

What? No. Bribe?People do that?

Yeah, well,the guy above me offered me ten grandto move out.

That's a lot.

It's obscene.This neighborhoodused to be real.

Now it's all chain storesand fancy restaurants.

Yeah, we cool peoplegot to hold our ground.

Yeah, but it'skind of annoying.I can't ut the flue,

so the apartment smells likeburger king all day and cinnabon all night.

Yeah, I just came up hereto make sure you're staying.

Ruining things for those creepsg to make duplexesfor their imaginary children,

and their imaginary husband,astronaut mike dexter.

So what's your plan?

I don't know. Just figuresomething out, I guess.

Look,what if we team up?

-What do you mean? -I can't affordto stay here on my own,

and based on yourshoes and teeth,i'm guessingyou can't either,

so why don't wemove in together?

I mean, you'd have togive up your place'cause this isthe twobedroom.

There's two of them?

oh! Is that bad?Oh, god.

So now you're your ownupstairs neighbor.

What's the plan?

Well, I'm gonna pretendto move in with brian,somehow drive him out,

then buy both placesand make my dream apartment.

That sounds like something I'dcome up with if I was smarter.

I know, I'm terrible.But brian sucks.

He doesn't have a tv and hewears political tshirts.

Don't feel guiltyfor a second.This is manhattanreal estate.

There are no rules.Like checkinat an italian sex party.

I mean,do you know how long I've been waitingfor the lady next door

to finally joinher husband in hell?

Hello, Mrs. Gerstein.

Oh, my heart...Is getting strongerevery day.

Oh, you ancient bitch!

But you've alreadygot a foot in the door.

Here's whatyou're gonna do.

Do you rememberthat horrible roommate you had back in chicago?

You mean you?

I know it's my turnto do the dishes,but I'm in character,

and if you make me do the dishesI will kill myself!

You drove a lot of guysout of that third bedroom.

Becauseguys hate drama.And I'm gonna teach youhow to be a drama queen.

And if I fail,i'm gonna take a bunch of pills,and it's gonna be your fault!

Still got it.

Lemon, I justwant to make sure you're not making any jokesabout don geiss this week.

Don't worry,ack.Our topicalcold open is aboutomarosa borrowingbjork's swan dress.

Tracy.

What's up, donaghy?

Tracy jr.,to what do we owe this visit?

It's "take your black kidto work day."

Do you everregret having children?

Every day.

I thought having a family wasgonna be like the cosby show.

Oh, no,vanessa nto a concert!

Oh, no, rudy and I are makinga sandwich for 25 minutes!

The cosby show was a lie.Having a familycan be the worst.

For example,I have this strip club story from this weekendI need to tell you, jackie d.

It is disgusting.

But I can't becauseI got this little dbag, here.

I know what that means.

And yet youwon't tell me.

I've been thinkinga lot about family lately, about my legacy.

I've been watching a friendgo through an ordealwith his children,and it has only affirmed

that I was not meantto have any of my ownand that I never will.

It's not that simple.

Now, what if a girltries to trap you like nicole tried to do meon the band trip?

Bitches can be tricky.

I'm going to getsome strawberry milk.

Tracy jr.'s right.There's only one way to reallytake children off the table.

I'm going to geta vasectomy.

.I mean, that's a bigecision!

Having a family is alsothe best thing a man could...

He's gone.So my story.

So I'm in the strip club with charles barkleyand one of the hobbits.

Hey, daddy.

Damn it!I n't live like this!I'm gettinga vasectomy too!

Excuse me, Miss maroney.

Kenneth, I'm doingy kegelsright now. What is it?

Well, I've beenput in charge of reducing tgs's carbon footprint.

And everyonehas to chip in.

Kenneth, I oncetook a lowvolume shower with ed begley jr.

What more can I do?

Well, let's see.

Minka kelly says,"my show is about football.

"there's a football teamcalled the chargers.Unplug your chargers."

But kenneth,I need all of these.

This one's for my cell phone,this one's for my laptop,

this one'sfor my erotic massager,and this one'sfor something personal.

A vasectomy is a veryserious decision.

I want to make sure you'veboth tught this through.

I have,I've thought about it,and I've decided thatI don't want to have children.

Family planning.And what about you, tracy?

the cosby showlied to me.

I don't think there'sa box for that on the form.

Uh, what about"cheers lied to me"?

Okay.Now, for the procedureyou can choose between localor general anesthesia.

I should warn youthat general anesthesia can cause powerfulhallucinations.

So highly recommend it.I'll scheduleboth of you for the morning.

Now, this is surgery, so don'teat anything before you come in,

because I'll havea big breakfast waiting for you.

Until tomorrow,gentlemen.

We all see the little, black boyin the corner, right?

Okay.

Hey, liz.