The Return of Swamp Thing

Damn.

Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!

- - Bugs, snakes, gators.

I hate this place.

I'm tired of this slimy crap.

Go ahead, guys. Yuk it up.

Geez, how the hell can I be so hot and cold at the same time?

Schizoid metabolism?

Good one, Mort. There's nothing like a little treasury agent humor...

to perk up the evening.

Whose idea was this anyway?

If memory serves me, I think you were the guy that said,

"I think we oughta get out of the office and out into the field."

I said that?

Well, welcome to the field.

Playtime's over, guys. We gotta find that still.

Morty, take the point.

Why me? Why does it always have to be me?

"Take the point." Where does he get this crap?

Too many John Wayne flicks.

Guys.

Guys, wait up. Guys!

Wait, guys.

Slow down.

Guys, wait up.

Something tells me we're not going to findthat still around here.

I told you we took a wrong turn at that last bog.

Will you can it, Dugan? I thought for sure we were headed in the right direction.

Yeah, you thought.

You're stupid. If you could think, we wouldn't be here.

Will you cool it, Chuck? No.

Why couldn't we get those moonshiners during the day, huh?

Because at night we've got the element of surprise.

Surprise? We've got to find 'em to surprise 'em.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen! Are you crazy?

If you want to kick the crap out of each other, fine.

But let's do it back at the office.

Suits me.

All right then, let's find the truck.

Great.

- Comin', Mort? - In a minute.

- Do you mind? -

What the...

Aaah!

Morty?

Mort?

Mort?

Mort, this isn't funny. Morty?

Hey, what's going on? What's all the yelling?

Morty's gone. What do you mean, gone?

I mean gone. One minute he was taking a whiz by the tree,

and the next second, zip.

Nothing. History. Okay, okay.

Hey, he-he's around here someplace.

We'll find him. Everybody fan out.

Morty?

Mort?

- Morty? -

Morty.

Hey, guys.

I don't think he can hear us anymore.

Hey, we... we better... I mean, we gotta get back to the truck.

Hey, listen, buddy, we're not leaving here without Morty. You got that?

Shoot that thing.

I'm for getting the hell out of here.

You and me both.

Hey, fellas.

You're going the wrong way. You're wrong.

Hey, fellas. The truck's this way.

Oh, no. Oh, God, no.

Hurry up. Come on!

Boy, are we glad to see you guys.

Hey, look. We're government agents. You... You can't...

- - Whoa.

Please, let me find them.

Please, let me find them.

Oh, no.

- Oh, no! Please, God! No! -

Thank you.

If you hadn't come along, I...

Hey, just where did you come from?

The bog.

You don't have a still around here, do you?

It doesn't matter.

What matters is, you saved my life.

Thank you.

My name's Dugan.

Harry Dugan.

They call me Swamp Thing.

Morning, guys. Sorry I'm late.

I just came from that new transcendental therapy place over in Malibu.

I can't believe it. They didn't even validate.

Thirsty, babies?

Anyway, this weird guy in some reject Star Trek costume...

tells that me none of my relationships will ever work...

till I confront my feelings about my stepfather.

I mean, what's going on here, a conspiracy?

That's the fourth shrink who's told me that in four years.

Of course if they knew who I was talking to, I'd really be committed.

Why can't men be more like plants?

I mean, you can stroke a plant, and it doesn't get the wrong idea.

Okay. Okay, you're right. I'll do it.

I'm not even gonna call. I'm just gonna go down there and confront him.

I mean, why should he mess up my life?

He sure didn't care about my mother.

He didn't even give her a funeral.

Or if he did, he didn't invite me.

Eunice?

I've gotta go straighten out my life.

I know you don't know what I'm talking about.

But there's something I've gotta take care of,

and I can't do it by vegetating here in this store.

Sorry about that. No, now don't try to talk me out of it.

Now, I'm leaving you in full charge of my friends here.

Keep them watered, talk to them... and read to them.

Especially the sports section.

They've really got a thing for the Lakers.

And leave the TV on at all times.

They love that guy on T.J. what's-his-name. Okay?

Okay. Bye, babies.

Dr. Arcane. Calling Dr. Arcane.

Shut up.

So?

The two new patients are recovering from the operation.

Dr. Rochelle has high hopes.

The others... Yes, what about them?

See for yourself.

The gene splicing has gone extremely well.

We're very close on hitting on the right D.N.A. combination.

I somehow sense that's an unfinished sentence. So finish it, please.

Some of the rejected specimens have mutated quite startlingly.

I'm quite aware of the mistakes, Lana.

The mistakes here, and the ones that got away into the swamp.

What I'm interested in is results.

How's Rochelle doing with the new ones? Over here.

Well?

I'm afraid the genetic serum worked in reverse again on this one.

Perhaps the tranquilizer darts your men use daffected the blood.

Dr. Rochelle, you've been at this for months. No significant developments.

Only a zoo full of misshapen monstrosities,

a cemetery's worth of corpses...

and no rejuvenation formula.

But we will get it.

When? Soon.

- Won't we, Doctor? - Yes. Quite soon, Dr. Arcane.

And what's that?

Another disappointment.

I tried mingling his genes with a phylus usu species.

- The what? - Cockroach.

We have enough insects in this place, Doctor.

Destroy it before it multiplies. Come.

One more afternoon like this, Dr. Rochelle,

and it's back to Betty Ford.

Please, Doctor, there's no more need for the clinic.

No, not the clinic, stupid.

He'll turn you into Betty Ford.