Upstairs Downstairs

The house is in Eaton Place,

- number 165. - My good Lord!

This house is going to see such life.

Are you here with regard to the housekeeper's position?

Agnes, I would like you to meet my mother, Maud.

Agnes thinks she's rescued me...

but I don't want to be rescued.

My sister says you should call me Lady Persie

if that's what I want... and I do.

I won't call you Lady anything if you don't act like one.

We have experience, you and I.

We are what that house requires.

The paper's late again!

There'll be no time to iron it.

Those hot dishes should be upstairs by now!

- What's holding you back? - Lady Agnes's grapefruit.

This gives me no pleasure.

There's nothing to it,

even with a maraschino garnish.

He's doing it again.

He's caressing that cherry with his eyes.

Excuse me but is this 165 Eaton Place?

It is.

I am very glad.

My name is Rachel Perlmutter.

I am expected by Miss Buck.

I see.

You must go through the gate and down the steps to the staff entrance.

Good morning, Persie.

Oh, darling, I told you not to squeeze that pimple!

It's the Londonderry Ball tonight.

We need you to look your best.

Do open it.

Oh, Sis!

I had it sent from Paris.

Thank you.

I told you to move your things along, Ivy.

Half the mantelpiece for you,

the other half for our new house parlour maid.

Half the bed for her an'all.

That's enough.

You've carried on for weeks about your workload.

Now Rachel's here to share it.

You're just going to have to share your room as well.

How do you know she don't snore?

How do you know you don't snore?

We'll practise the processional now,

as you will perform it in the ballroom at Buckingham Palace!

There are extra ostrich feathers in the box....

- We're going to be late for Monsieur Gaston. - No, we're not.

That tiara takes at least two hours to pin properly in place.

I should know.

Lady Persephone's curtsey is just bliss!

She has remarkable knees and a splendid sense of timing.

Lady Agnes, perhaps you would deputise for his Majesty.

Yes, of course.

All you have to do is smile impassively

and nod in response to particular charm.

Better, Antonia.

Still a little too insouciant.

Dignity. Dignity!

Remember, the French for "curtsey" is "reverence".

I'm going to have to lean on you for some bicarb, Mrs. Thack!

Don't you go putting bicarb on my leather seats.

And I'll have an egg-cup full of Jeyes fluid in that water, Ivy!

All in a day's work when I was on the liners.

The stewardesses used to ply the mops non-stop.

I think Lady Agnes would be very embarrassed if I cleaned up her sick.

I think someone more senior should do it.

Go out and get swabbing.

You look very neat, dear, but it's Dutch pink for the mornings.

Black for afternoons.

Sit down and catch your breath.

Miss Buck says you sailed from Hamburg overnight.

That's not a voyage, it's an ordeal.

But I am ready to start work.

I'm sure Mrs. Thackeray can knock you up a sandwich.

I saw some tongue on your third shelf down.

You keep out of my third shelf down.

I spoke to Lady Londonderry.

She completely understood about poor Agnes

and immediately invited me to go instead.

In fact, she said that since Lord Hardinge was attending,

she should have thought to invite me in my own right.

What did you say, Mother?

I was entirely gracious and said I'd be delighted to attend so,

So, I shall be with you tonight.

Tongue. In my dustbin.

Is that what went into Rachel's sandwich?

She'd better not be a vegetarian.

She's a Yid, ain't she?

Can't you tell? Only got to look at her.

They won't eat our meat. They reckon it's unclean.

I'll not have aspersions cast upon my cold cuts.

No. No.

Master bedroom!

M'lady?

Miss Buck, the tiara has gone. I put it there yesterday!

Agnes, dear.

Now, I know I look like a horse in a beaded browband...

I almost sent for the police.

Well, I didn't like to disturb you. You were being ill.

Hallam needs me to accompany him this evening.

The ball will be full of people he must talk to.

My dear,

you were too unwell even have your hair done.

And you can't go without a tiara and I can't take this off now.

Monsieur Gaston had to weave a piece in.

I'd happily vomit my head off if I could stay at home.

That's been in mothballs, that has!

Lady Holland said it just needs airing.

But bits of it are matted!

What am I supposed to do?

I think perhaps a scattering of bran.

Worked into the fur and then the cape dried in the oven.

Excuse me. I'm not having hair on my Jubilee buns!

And then brushed briskly to restore the lustre.

I bet you've worked in a fur shop.

No.

Londonderry House, Sir?

Yes. Bit of a smell.

I did tell Agnes to vomit in her handbag

but she refused because it was suede lined.

- It's not vomit. - It's Jeyes fluid.

No.

I think it's mothballs.

I can't smell it.

I wish I had a silk nightie.

I've only got winceyette cos I left the orphanage in the winter.

They get you all kitted out but only for the weather they can see out of the window.

Which was sleet, in my case.

I'm going to be in trouble when it gets hot.

I didn't have silk when I was your age. Only cotton.

I bought this when I was married.

Miss Buck said you was a widow.

Is your husband dead?

Yes.

We ought to make a rule.

Last one into bed turns it out.

Only I'll do it tonight because you're new.

I don't snore. I promise.

Are you awake?

How are you feeling?

I rallied.

I had a beefsteak for my supper.

What happened at the ball?

It all went rather smoothly, actually.

Persie behaved and Mother was in her element.

One forgets sometimes how significant she was.

Hallam.

I remembered when I felt like this before.

In Washington.

Are you certain?

I daren't be.

I daren't believe it's true.

We were so happy then and everything was dashed.

Darling, you must see a doctor.

We must take the best advice.

It's such a cruel thing, to lose a baby.

Nothing is ever untainted again. Not even hope.

It's the middle of the night.

I left my cigarettes in the car.

They have cigarettes in the drawing room.

They're Marlborough.

I don't smoke those.

Go to bed, Lady Persie.

There was no-one to undress me.

Miss Buck told that German girl to have an early night.

Go to bed.

He was at the ball tonight!

Sir Oswald was?

He's a friend of the Londonderrys.

Did you... did you meet him?

No,

I'm a debutante.

I only meet young men.

And dance, of course.

Dance, and eat water-ice, in the supper room.

Agnes says a lady must contribute.

But a few foxtrots and a quickstep hardly seem to pay one's way.

- Did he dance? - Not with me.

- Have you ever been to hear him speak? - Twice.

Now when I read his other speeches,

I can hear his voice in my head.

Lady Holland says he isn't really en vogue any more.

What do you mean, en vogue?

Fashionable.

He went up in my opinion, when she said that.

I've been en vogue for months now.

All it does is hurt my feet.

And keep me up late.

You must leaf through every single one!

My husband had a habit of tucking things in books.

There it is!

No.

No, that's not the one.

HALLAM AND PAMELA

It's a picture of me, arriving on an elephant.

Oh, but my dear, you're unwell.

Mr. Amanjit, help her down.