The Good Place

Eleanor, come on in.

Well, not often you get to confront

your greatest failure face-to-face.

Good to see you, too, bud.

- I am just dumbfounded as to how this happened.

Our system has never made a mistake before...

It's just not possible.

And yet, here we are.

First things first,

First things first,

who are you?

- Well, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop,

and some of the info you had was right.

I mean, "flattened by boner pill truck

after dropping margarita mix in grocery store parking lot,"

that's a very me way to die.

But all the other info was wrong.

In my defense, when I first arrived, and you said,

"You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead,

and you're in the Good Place," I had no reason to think

that was a mistake.

- Location and date of birth, please.

- Phoenix, Arizona, October 14, 1986.

- Phoenix, Arizona, October 14, 1986.

So sorry, that's what I used to tell people

when I lied about my age.

I was born in 1982.

- You lied so much, you forgot your own birthday.

Not a great start,

but it should be enough

for Janet to locate your file.

Janet?

Janet... - What's that?

What's that?

What's this?

- Her memory's still being rebooted because,

oh, you know, someone murdered her.

Janet, could you please locate the file for

Janet, could you please locate the file for

an Eleanor Shellstrop, born in...

1982? - Yes.

Phoenix, Arizona, USA.

Sure.

Anything else?

- No, Janet, this is actually a cactus.

This might take a while.

Whee!

- Since Janet can't retrieve your file,

I need to find another way

I need to find another way

to determine what kind of person you were.

This is a quick litmus test.

Handful of questions designed to tell

whether you are fundamentally good or bad.

Question number one: Did you ever commit

a serious crime, such as murder,

sexual harassment, arson, or otherwise?

No.

- Did you ever have a vanity license plate,

like "MAMASBMW," "LEXUS4LIZ," or "BOOBGUY"?

No.

- Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?

- Did you ever reheat fish in an office microwave?

Ew, no.

Have you ever paid money

to hear music performed by

California funk rock band "The Red Hot Chili Peppers"?

No.

- Did you ever take off your shoes and socks

on a commercial airline?

And socks?

Ew, who would do that?

- People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor,

that's the point.

And unless I can figure out a compelling reason

to keep you here, you will spend eternity

with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off

their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

Their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

- Mm, Janet, can I have a glass of water, please?

Here you go.

Oh, gosh, you said "water"?

- Yeah. - I'm so sorry.

There you go.

Ahh.

- I really do have sympathy for your situation.

I mean, you thought your soul mate was a good person,

and then you learned that she's just an immoral grifter.

- Tahani, please. - Am I wrong?

She lied to everyone.

She lied to everyone.

She caused a giant sinkhole

into which poor Glenn fell.

She caused a trash storm.

She... well, she pretended to be my friend

when I really needed one.

And, lest we forget, she murdered Janet.

As far as I'm concerned, the sooner she's gone,

the better off we'll all be.

- I... I understand that Eleanor violated our trust,

but please, when you're talking to Michael,

try to think about what she's had to go through.

All right.

I will, for you.

I will, for you.

But we've been through a lot as well.

You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend

Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye,

who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé.

- And finally, a multi-part question:

Did you ever appear on the American television program

"The Bachelor" or its companion shows "The Bachelorette"

and "Bachelor in Paradise,"

or post on any social media site

that you were emotionally invested

in any of the relationships

the contestants were pursuing?

The contestants were pursuing?

No.

Okay.

You did very well on the questionnaire, Eleanor.

So far, so good.

Michael, good news.

I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.

Is it actually a cactus?

- I don't understand. - I want to see the file

for Eleanor Shellstrop.

Is that what you have,

or do you have a cactus?

- I have the file. - You're sure?

You have the file and not a cactus?

That is correct.

I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file.

I do not have a cactus.

I do not have a cactus.

- Excellent. Please, give me the file.

Here you go.

Thank you, Janet.

You're welcome.

Well, I say we call it a day.

I mean, I nailed the questionnaire,

and you're swimming in cacti.

Can't we just chalk this up

to a hilarious mistake and move on?

No, we can't, Eleanor.

There's no such thing as a mistake in this realm.

And yet, you are, somehow, a mistake.

I mean, you're a giant chunk of spinach

in the teeth of the universe.

In the teeth of the universe.

I need to understand every facet of this disaster.

Tell me a lie about yourself.

Any lie. - I love the opera.

And now a truth.

I love Women's MMA.

We don't like to use this.

We've never really had a call for it before you,

but in the interest of time.

Eleanor,

did you murder Janet?

Did you murder Janet?

No, I did not.

Do you know who did?

Yes.

Will you tell me who it was?

No.

- I assume it was one of your friends,

and I admire you for protecting him or her.

But Eleanor, in the Good Place,

there's no room for bad people or bad actions,

so anyone involved in the murder of Janet

will be reviewed and judged,

and there will be consequences.

And there will be consequences.

Tahani, come on in.

Chidi.

Imposter who soiled our paradise with her moral turpitude.

'Sup?

- Thank you for confessing, I don't know what I would

have done if you hadn't... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm amazing. Bad news.

Michael knows I didn't kill Janet

which means it's only a matter of time

before he finds out that you did

and that you did it because you were

trying to stop Bonehead Jones over here.

Hey, homies!

- Then he'll figure out that Jianyu's also a phony,

- Then he'll figure out that Jianyu's also a phony,

and, here's the real dong-buster,

Michael said anybody who did anything bad

might have to go...

- Ohh... - Which means Jianyu's gone,

you might be gone,

and all three of us are royally forking forked!

This is terrible.

What am I supposed to do if he asks me?

- I don't know. Kant would say

that lying in any scenario is wrong,

so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet,