Doctor Who

Well, here we are. Hedgewick's World -

the biggest and best amusement park there will ever be

and we've got a golden ticket!

Eh, eh? Fun! Fun?

Your stupid box can't even get us to the right place.

This is, like, a moon base or something. It's not the moon.

Actually, I think it does look like the moon. Only dirtier.

Hey, guys it's not the moon, OK?

It's a Spacey Zoomer ride, or it was.

Psst! 'Scuse I. I don't suppose you happen to be my lift off planet?

Dave's Discount Interstellar Removals? 'Fraid not.

They were meant to be here six months ago.

That's Dave for you, see, unreliable.

Stay where you are! Oops.

Throw down your weapons and identify yourselves.

No. No weapons! Golden ticket!

Spacey Zoomer? Free ice cream?

Who are you? This planet is closed, by Imperial order.

How's this?

Oh. Welcome, Proconsul. I wish they'd told us you were coming.

Any news of the Emperor?

Oh, the Emperor... No, no, none that you'd, er...

We pray for his return.

If there is anything you need, my platoon is at your service.

Right! Righty-oh. Well, carry on, Captain.

Platoon, let's move out.

On the double. Two, three, four! Two, three, four!

Two, three, four!

Have they gone?

Yes.

Uniforms give me the heebie-jeebies. Come on.

They can't stop me being here, but they don't like it.

Ha-ha! You see?

I told you it was amazing. Well, it used to be.

It closed down. Wish I'd known that before I landed here.

But let me show you my collection.

Come along, follow me, this way. This way in, come on.

Welcome to my show...

Webley's World of Wonders. Miracles, marvels and more await you.

I am impresario Webley.

You see before you waxwork representations of the famous...

and the infamous.

Anybody here play chess?

Perhaps you, young man?

Actually, I'm in my school chess club.

Ah, follow me.

Now, let me demonstrate to you all the wonder of the age,

the miracle of modernity.

We defeated them all, a thousand years ago.

But now he's back, to destroy you.

Behold! The enemy!

Cyberman! Get down!

No need to panic, my young friends.

We all know there are no more living Cybermen.

What you are seeing is a miracle - the 699th wonder of the universe.

As displayed before the Imperial court,

and only here to destroy you - at chess!

Careful now. An empty shell.

And yet it moves.

How? Magic.

That might well be, young lady.

A single penny wins you five Imperial shillings

if you can beat this empty shell at chess.

I haven't got a penny. But I've got a sandwich.

All right, take a seat.

It is free of all devices, and yet it has never been beaten.

Would you like to make the first move, young man?

Oh, no, Artie. No, don't do that, it...

It's a fool's mate.

If you can tell me how it works, I'll give you a silver penny.

I think... you do it with mirrors.

Hmm, mirrors, clever girl. Well, let's see, hey? Low tech.

It's a puppet, monofilament strings, which means the brains are in...

Hello. Hello. I'm the brains. Hello. Give us a hand.

They call me Porridge.

Ah, it's good to be out of that box.

For you, Miss... an Imperial penny.

I have not one but THREE Cybermen in my collection.

Is that the king? Emperor.

Ludens Nimrod Kendrick, etc, etc, the 41st - defender of humanity,

imperator of known space. He looks a bit full of himself.

Don't say things like that about the Imperial family -

you can end up on the run for the rest of your life.

They don't sound very nice.

Go on. If the kids want to ride the Spacey Zoomer,

then I can operate the gravity console.

Angie!

Whoa!

Smile! Say, "Spacey Zoomer!"

We're flying! Having a good time?

I think that was the most fun I've had in my whole life.

It was...

OK.

Clara? I think outer space is actually very interesting.

Right, wonderful day out, Doctor, but it's time to get the kids home.

Yeah. Um, no. Not actually ready to leave.

Why not? I dunno. Reasons.

What reasons? Insects. Funny insects.

I should add them to my funny insect collection.

You collect funny insects? Yeah, I'm starting to.

Right now.

How long do we have to stay here?

Not long. Have a nap. I'll wake you when we're ready to leave.

Comfy? Sleep well.

Good night.

Don't wander off.

I'm not just saying, "Don't wander off" - I MEAN it.

Otherwise you'll wander off, and the next thing you know,

somebody's going to have to start rescuing somebody.

From what? Nothing. Nobody needs rescuing from anything.

Don't wander off.

Sweet dreams.

Mmm. Mmm!

Total takings for the day - one sandwich.

Better than no sandwich, of course.

Not as good as TWO sandwiches, or even a chicken...

That's a bit odd.

That's not funny, give me my hands back.

Upgrade in progress!

I HATE the future. It's stupid.

There's not even phone service. I'm out of here.

The Doctor said to not wander off.

He said that,

and then he wandered off. I don't think Clara would like that.

She's not our mum. Don't leave me here.

Was this really the biggest amusement park in the universe?

Yeah. Hedgewick bought the planet cheap.

It'd been trashed in the Cyber-Wars. Who were we fighting?

Cybermen. Technologically upgraded warriors. We couldn't win.

Sometimes we fought to a draw,

but then they'd upgrade themselves, fix their weaknesses and destroy us.

It's hard to fight an enemy that uses your armies as spare parts.

You beat them, though - beat them or you wouldn't be here. How?

Look up there - that corner of the sky. What do you see?

Nothing. It's just black.

No stars, no nothing.

Used to be the Tiberion Spiral Galaxy. A million star systems.

A hundred million worlds. A billion trillion people.

It's not there any more. No more Tiberion galaxy. No more Cybermen.

It was effective.

It's horrible. Yeah.

I feel like a monster sometimes.

Why?

Because instead of mourning a billion trillion dead people,

I just feel sorry for the poor blighter

who had to press the button and blow it all up.

Clara! Did you tell Angie she could go to the barracks?

You KNOW I didn't.

She hasn't... She's just gone in there.

Come on.

I can't fix this. It can't be broken.

It's a solid state sub-ether ansible class communicator.

Just run the diagnostics.

There's nothing left to diagnose. It's not broken. It's empty.

All the components have gone. Well, you must have replacement parts.

Not enough to build a new one.

Captain, the weather-controller is malfunctioning again.

There's storms, heat waves, snow.

Hello. I'm bored!

Where's your big sister?

Clara? She's not my sister. She's stupid.

She's talking to Porridge.

She talks to her porridge?

Porridge. That little bloke.

We need to have a chat.

I'm not scared, if you're wondering.

I just think I ought to turn the lights back on.

So, tell me about the little bloke.

Well, you must have seen him.

Angie, Angie! She has to turn up and spoil everything!

I wasn't doing anything! Why can't you just leave me alone?!

Cyberman!

Angie!

Attack formation!

No!

Attack formation - quickly!

Upgrade in progress!

Angie!

Angie! Clara, Clara...!

That was a Cyberman! But they're extinct.

Listen to me, I will get her back. Captain, a word, please.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong,

but I take it your platoon doesn't do much fighting?

What do you expect? What?

We're a punishment platoon.

It's why they sent us out here, so we can't get into trouble.

Ah, right, right, well, OK. As Imperial Consul,

I am putting Clara in charge.

Clara, stay alive until I get back,

and don't let anyone blow up this planet.

Is that something they're likely to do?

Get to somewhere defensible. Where are YOU going?

I'm getting Angie, finding Artie and looking for funny insects.

Stay alive. And you lot, no blowing up this planet!

Put me down! I hate you!

Artie? Artie, what's happening?

Please stand by.

You will be upgraded.

Cyberiad class weaponry. I've taken it out of storage.

Good. We need to find somewhere defensible. Where?