Hot in Cleveland

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Is Victoria trying to iron again?

No, she's reading her daughter Emmy's latest rewrite

of their Lifetime movie.

Oh.

This script is a monstrosity.

Emmy's rewrite makes me come off as some sort of

deranged Mommie Dearest.

This movie was supposed to be my comeback vehicle,

but if I make this movie, I'll be a pariah in this town.

Well... Maybe not in this town,

but, you know, in towns that matter,

like L.A. and New York.

Cleveland is very forgiving.

It's like the elastic waistband of American cities.

It's too forgiving.

Not this again.

She keeps nattering on about some Cavalier baron

usurping king James.

Baron Davis! Point guard for the Cavs.

See? She's just stringing random words together.

Oh, thank God you guys are here.

I've had the worst day.

Sorry, but if you want to vent,

you're gonna have to take a number and wait your turn.

I've been bikini shopping.

- Alone? - Oh, dear God!

Have you lost your mind?

Bikini shopping is a minefield.

One wrong thong and you're a sumo wrestler.

One wrong top and you're a ten-year-old boy.

One wrong bathing suit skirt

and you're the hippo from Fantasia.

Why torture yourself now? Summer's months away.

I'm going to Bermuda next week.

Woman's Day Magazine asked me to speak at a seminar,

and they're having it at this fabulous hotel on the beach.

Women only? Oh, dear.

Men never look past legs and cleavage, but women...

Oh, you'll be judged mercilessly.

I'm judging you right now.

I know.

That's why I narrowed it down to three suits.

If I can lose enough weight to fit into this,

they'll say, "She looks great."

But if I can starve myself into this, they'll say,

"Has she had work done?"

But if I can dehydrate myself into this, they'll say,

"Oh, my God, I hate her."

I just want them to hate me so much.

Oh, what a surprise. Flowers.

Victoria, did you send yourself flowers again?

Yes. I had to.

I was that upset about that script.

Actually, they're from me.

Wait, I know that voice.

Hello, Victoria.

Lucci!

I've been experimenting with new ringtones.

Hello?

This is so exciting!

We've never had a big star in the house before!

- I'm big, Elka. - Well, sure.

Compared to her, you're a moose!

- Hi, I'm Melanie. - N-n-n-no.

No introductions. She's not staying.

Victoria, please.

When All My Children was canceled,

I had nowhere to turn.

I was curled up in my jewelry closet, hoping to die.

And suddenly, I remembered.

When your soap career imploded, you came here, to Cleveland,

to find solace among the little people.

Oh, please. No one's littler than you.

If I popped your head back, a pez would fly out.

Please, Victoria, don't turn me out.

This is the lowest point of my life.

Oh, boo-hoo!

I am not having 92 pounds of pure evil under this roof.

90! I lost 2 pounds from stress.

Stress! That's what I need!

No, I'm a stress eater! I don't need stress.

Now I'm stressing about stress! Do we have any cookies?

Oh, come on, Victoria.

She's so cute. Can't we keep her?

You two need to talk this out in private.

Can someone show me to my dressing room?

This is a house. We don't have dressing rooms.

Oh, God, I'll never survive in the wild.

Allow me.

Where did you get that?

It was made for me by NASA.

National Association of Soap Actresses.

- Here, try it. - Oh.

That's it! Skyhook!

Oh, I've got to get a message to Baron Davis.

The skyhook is what he needs to up his game!

I can arrange that. I know people.

- Really? - Well, of course.

I'm still Erica Kane.

I mean, Susan Lucci.

Wait...No. That's right, Susan Lucci.

Good morning! Oh, wow, what's all this?

Oh, I just whipped up some goodies

to thank you all for talking Victoria into letting me stay.

Oh, that's very sweet, but I only have a week

to reach my bikini weight, so I'll just sniff a grapefruit.

Oh, sweetie, I have a miracle supplement

that'll make you lose 10 pounds by Saturday

no matter how much you eat.

Those are the most beautiful words I've ever heard!

Before you ask me how my date went last night,

he cried all the way through the Chipmunk movie.

Here, sad sack, have a muffin.

I know a man who'd be perfect for you.

He consulted on our Doctors Without Borders episode,

and now he's with the Cleveland clinic.

What's the catch?

Well, there is one small thing.

He won't be a doctor forever.

He has this crazy notion of someday owning his own winery.

How fast can you call him?

I can do it right now.

And then I'll call Baron Davis,

and then I'll call my nutritionist

about that diet capsule.

Where have you been all our lives?

Mostly? Pine Valley.

I'm gonna say it. I like her better than Victoria.

Elka, we can't like her better.

But we could like her the same.

Well, well, well.

My so-called friends.

Usually, when I eavesdrop from the back stairs

I get nothing, but not today!

Now, don't you see that she's only being nice to you

to further some evil plan to destroy me?

You know, it is possible there is no evil plan.

Oh, please, this is Susan Lucci we're talking about.

Ugh! I have put up with decades of abuse from her.

You remember the year that she snuck my picture

into the "In Memoriam" section of the Emmys?

Unlike you, I intend to be vigilant.

As God as my witness, I will never be Lucci'd again.

Oh, I got a voice-mail!

Thank you so much, she'll be thrilled.

Oh! Good morning, Victoria.

Don't you look lovely today.

Oh, you're good, Lucci.

That almost sounded sincere.

Like Erica Kane when she impersonated a nun

to avoid arrest for the murder of Kent Bogard.

Or maybe you're just being paranoid,

like Honor St. Raven when she thought her kitten

was trying to read her mind.

But you forget that they found a transmitter

in Buttercup's brain,

so I wasn't wrong then, and I'm not wrong now.

No, the real you is just beneath the surface,

barely concealed by all that concealer.

This is the real me, Victoria.

The new me.

All I want is a chance to prove it to you,

like Honor St. Raven proved the existence

of that whole parallel universe.

Well, in that universe, as in this one,

I have eyes in the back of my head,

and they will be watching you.

Excuse me, Elka?

Baron Davis? It's really you?

Yeah, Susan sent me.

I hear you're some kind of sports whisperer?

Yes.

Sit down.

Look, you've got some great skills.

Well, thank you.

I have an idea that can take you to the next level.

Um...

I think that's against league regulations.

No, no!

I want you to bring back Kareem's skyhook.

No disrespect, but Kareem's a legend.

And the skyhook? That's his trademark.

Well, now it can be yours!

I have my own trademark.

My beard has its own Twitter following.

Does your beard have an endorsement deal

or date a Kardashian?

Give me that thing.

You're gonna love Joy. She's a leggy British bombshell.

Really?

When the escort service said that Susan Lucci

was hiring me to seduce someone,

I just assumed it was some skank you wanted to get even with.

You're confusing me with Erica Kane.

I have only the purest motivation.

Just cash lovingly exchanged for sex.

Only sex?

You paid for the full boyfriend experience.

Oh, absolutely.