The Missionary

Ah, Daniel. How are you?

I like it. Yeah.

Now, here's an easier one. What date was the Magna Carta signed?

Not all at once.

Jonathan, can you remember anything about the Middle Ages?

In the spring of 1906,

after ten years of selfless service

in some of the most inhospitable corners

of Britain's far-flung Empire,

Charles Fortescue, the missionary,

returned to England a hero.

- So sorry. - Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, please don't worry. I'm not hurt at all.

I'm just taken by surprise, that's all.

They're rather difficult to handle.

Especially in this weather.

- Yes, this doesn't help. - What are they?

They're fertility objects. African, mainly.

They're beautiful.

Yes, well, sexual potency is frightfully important out there.

Well...

welcome home, Mr Fortescue.

Hurry, hurry!

Hurry! Come on!

Stop pulling the reins! Ah, damn you!

How is Deborah?

Oh, just like a little child.

You know, terribly excited.

She was a child when I left.

Oh, yes. Well, she's a fine woman now.

By God's grace, the image of her mother.

Oh yes, I was very sorry to hear about Mrs Fitzbanks.

Well, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.

She loved ice skating, ll remember.

Such a shame she never learned to swim.

Come on! Get moving!

Parswelll Whoa, Parswell!

Whoa! Parswell! Whoa! Parswell!

Steady, Parswell.

Sorry, sir.

Surely this can't be old Major?

Yes, old Major.

He still remembers me.

Always the same, Parswell.

- This relentless quest for speed. - Come on, boy.

- What are these, anyway? - Fertility symbols, sir.

They know I'm getting married, you see.

Better not show them to Deborah.

Take them up the back stairs. All right?

All right, sir.

Leave you to say hello.

Ah, thank you.

- I'll give you a hand... - Deborah?

Deborah? I'm back.

Deborah...

you look absolutely marvellous.

I'm Emily, the maid, sir.

Oh.

Sorry.

I'll help bring your things in, sir.

Er... yes, if you would, please. They're, um...

they're outside.

Hello, Charles!

Deborah?

Well, how are you?

Oh, ever so well. And how are you?

Oh, not so bad. 26 days at sea.

Feel a bit like an unpacked bag.

Oh. well, I can get you one if you want.

Oh, no, no. I feel as if I am one.

- Charles. - Yes?

- There's some lunch. - Ah.

It's been such a long time.

Yes, well, I just didn't know when you'd be arriving.

No, no. Since we last saw each other.

Oh!

Ten years.

Ten years, four months, 18 days, and 25 minutes.

- It's cold. - What?

- Lunch. - Oh, that'll be fine.

It's just so nice to be back.

I do hope you're hungry.

Rather. I've haven't eaten since the Bay of Biscay.

Oculi omnium in te spectant Domine

et tu das illis escam in tempore.

Aperis tu manum tuam,

et imples omne animalia benedictione tuam.

Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui sancto.

Sicut erat in principio,

et nunc, et semper, et in saeculo saecularum.

Benedictus, benedicat per Jesum Christum Dominum Nostrum.

Tuck in, Charles! You must be starving.

I kept all your letters.

I kept all yours.

Yes. They're upstairs in numbered boxes.

Oh, Deborah.

The first eight boxes are general subjects.

Yes...

They're divided into separate subsections.

Oh, yes?

There're six for particular subjects:

birthday, Easter, Christmas, all that sort of thing.

Ah, yes.

So ll find July the 8th, 1899,

see Elephants, Box 5, Section 3.

- How busy you must have been. - Oh, I enjoy it. I love filing.

And where did you keep the letter

in which I asked you to marry me?

Box 3, Section 11.

Ah.

I hope I didn't sound too forward.

No, no, not at all.

I mean, I did think of you an awful lot.

Well, I know, otherwise you wouldn't have written me all those letters.

Of course, right.

Six hundred and sixty-three.

I used to sit out at night, under the vast bowl of the stars,

And 143 postcards.

But I felt terribly alone.

They wouldn't all fit into my room,

so I had to put 18-B to 22-S in the study,

and then all the odd numbers, 15 to 23,

in Daddy's bedroom,

and when I've re-indexed Boxes 21 to 40,

I'll have a 15-year, two-stage cross-reference...

What are they?

They're fertility objects. African, mainly.

They're beautiful.

Well welcome home, Mr Fortescue.

This is marvellous!

Like seeing it all for the first time!

I had an old bone-shaker out in Africa, you know.

Yes, you said in letters 18, 36, and 49.

- Did I really? - Mmm.

I used to ride around the province on it.

The locals had never seen a bicycle before.

They used to call me "the man on the starving horse".

How silly.

You really should have come out to Africa, you know.

No, I can't stand being dirty.

I'm going to be a jolly, happy English vicar's wife,

and have a big house with lots of children.

That's all I want.

Well, we'll have to see what I'm offered in London.

The Bishop may want me to be a prison chaplain or something.

Oh, Charles!

I can't wait to be married!

Fortescue didn't have to wait long to meet the Bishop.

An urgent note requested his presence in London,

less than a week after his arrival home.

Excuse me.

The Church and University Club, I'm looking for.

Straight across the road, sir.

Ah. Thank you.

Thanks.

Driver.

Excuse me. The Bishop of London?

Down the end, sir.

Ah, thank you.

That's it. Keep your guard up.

Fortescue!

Come on down.

Oh, come on, now. It isn't a dance!

Keep your guard up.

Oh, come on, Liggett! You can do better than that.

Ah, good. I'm sorry to drag you down here,

but it's my young men's night, and I couldn't miss it.

- Do you like a scrap? - I'm sorry?

I love to see a pair of fit boys scrapping.

Hockey.

- Hockey? - Do you play hockey?

No, my Lord. I'm afraid I don't.

Oh, too bad. I promised I'd get a team together

to play the Methodists on Saturday week.

Now, they're very good, but physical. Yes.

Drink?

- Well, a cup of tea would be very nice. - Yes, tea it shall be. Wise man.

Hilda!

Two of your finest.

Yes, well, how was Africa?

Quite remarkable, sir. Quite remarkable.

Much time for sport?

Sport? No, not a lot.

I was out there for a while, you know.

Wonderful country. I tried to teach them

the rudiments of rugby football.

But it wasn't really their sort of thing.

They hang onto the ball for too long.

Weeks, sometimes.

Liggett! Liggett! Keep your eye on him!

Tighten them up, Bunyan. Keep them firm.

That's it.

Yes, he doesn't like rules, your African.

We had a chap called Sperry in Tabaka province.

Keen cricketer. County standard.

He tried to explain the no-ball rule

to a very primitive side from Mashonaland.

Well, I mean, they cut his head off in the tea interval.

Stuck it on the pavilion.

The worst thing was he'd built that pavilion himself.