Wedding Band

Okay, so what is this nonsense we hear about you two calling off the wedding?

Go on. Tell 'em what Elrond said at our rehearsal dinner.

My father won't give us his blessing.

He insists I marry my own kind.

Eddie: Tommy?

Yeah?

How far do you think it is across the aisle?

I don't know. Four feet?

That's not very far.

It's a lot like these two fan bases.

I don't get it. I mean, both of them believe in magic.

Yes. Right?

- Defending good over evil, beards. - Yes.

Beards for sure.

I just had a crazy idea.

What if this wedding were the thing

that brought these two fan bases together... a beacon?

It'd be a new frontier.

A next generation, that's for sure.

Why can't we put aside our differences

for magic we can all believe in...

Love?

Man: Hear, hear.

By the power of grayskull, let us wed!

S01E02 I Love College

[ renaissance-style version of "YMCA" plays ]

Uh, you know what, guys?

I'm actually gonna beam up to the bathroom, okay?

Oh, well, um...

We camped out two days for this.

This sucks.

No, we're getting that autograph.

These people are too anal.

Sticklers for authenticity over things that don't even exist.

Oh, that tower of mordor wedding cake isn't to scale!

Where's the secret drawbridge?

At least you're not a nerd magnet.

I'm being hit on more than a ball at a quidditch world cup.

Ladies.

- Oh, dear. - No.

I believe the word you are looking for is "bludger."

- It's not going to happen, minotaur. - No.

Close... centaur.

Well, nobody's gonna ride you tonight, centaur,

so just gallop off.

Nice job, Aerandir Melwasuel.

Okay. I left my flux translator up on the bridge,

so I have no idea what that means.

It's the name of your band.

Pretty sure it it's not the name of my band.

In elvish it is. It says it on your kick drum, Nianda.

Uh, are you on the bride's side, the groom's?

You really don't... you don't know?

What am I supposed to know, that pleather is...

is readily available in middle-earth?

Excuse me, human condom?

Yeah.

This is genuine italian space leather.

- I need it to breathe up there. - Is it?

Oh, so you're from space. Perfect, okay.

That's good to know. Anything that helps you breathe.

Hey, Barry, is that brunette talking to Tommy... Is that...

Excelsior.

That's Alexa Stone!

Wow. Must be here to promote her final season of "Nebutopia."

What is she doing flirting with Tommy?

He doesn't even watch the show. She should be flirting with me.

I'm the one who lost my digital virginity to her.

I'm recording this for my spank bank.

All anybody ever wants to talk to me about

is my character or the show

or where the map on my inner thigh leads.

Listen, as long as you have an inner thigh,

I really don't care what's on it.

Hey. Give me your phone.

Okay.

Keep this private, though,

because my fans can actually be a little obsessive.

Yeah, my fans are really obsessive, as well.

- No, I'm serious. It's not a joke. - No, I know.

All right, buddy. I'm gonna see you later, okay?

Okay. See you around.

Wow. She's hot.

That...was awesome!

Alexa Stone just gave you her Digitalia.

Okay, that's... You don't... you don't have to kneel. Thank you.

Alexa Stone is in the fanboy babe hall of fame!

She's worked with the Sci-fecta...

Whedon, Cameron, Raimi.

And you're gonna nail her in every portal.

Uh, well, be gentle.

Especially with portal number three.

Okay, thanks a lot, guys. Good stuff.

Uh, I'm Wesley. This is Doug.

- We want to hire you to play a party. - What... what party?

The one we're having on Wednesday when your dad goes to that medical conference.

Remember?

- At my house? - No way.

If you can Kobayashi Maru Alexa Stone,

you can make us cool.

So, will you try to help us get some rock-star ass?

Listen, guys, as fun as it sounds helping you get rock-star ass,

uh, we don't play parties for kids without parental consent.

Thanks for nothing! You know what?

You don't deserve to find out where alexa's map leads!

Douche!

Douche? Who even uses that word anymo... Stop it. Don't spock me.

I am not spocking you.

You're spocking me right now. You're doing the eyebrow thing.

Come on. It took those kids a lot of courage

to come up here and ask you that.

They chose you, just like the ring chose frodo.

Stevie: And you shot them down,

Just like every girl in high school.

I didn't choose to be chosen.

Well, that's how it works.

The chosen doesn't choose to be chosen.

It's not your choice.

So, I have no choice in the matter?

No. We will play that party.

Alexa: Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, god!

Oh! The map's not real!

Sorry. What?

Oh, my god. I can't believe I just revealed that.

Revealed what?

I was just down there. There's no map.

No. No.

That's the way the series finale ends.

Oh, my god.

I have been keeping that inside for six seasons.

Oh, yeah! That feels so good.

- Yeah? - Ooh, thank you for not watching the show.

Sure. Ooh.

Okay.

What does that mean?

What does that mean, "the map... the map isn't real"?

Why are you so stuck on this? You don't even watch the show.

Tommy, I'm giving you all access to portal number three.

Okay, but I smell a cop-out. That's all.

- Excuse me? - No, no, no.

Not the portal, the... the ending.

That's... it's... it's a cop-out.

Okay.

It's symbolic, Tommy. Right?

We're all in search of our utopia.

Do we ever get there? Of course not.

- Right. - But it's the journey that counts.

The journey that... you know what?

That's what I hate about sci-fi.

It I loved a show for six years and that was the ending I got,

You know how pissed off...

See, it's... that's the problem. It is.

You... you start the show off well,

and they somehow paint themselves into a black hole

and you got to pull the whole,

"oops, the whole thing is made up."

You know what? They... they don't have an ending.

That's the problem.

It's like who shot J.R.

Who?

No frakking way.

Alexa Stone did the intergalactic walk of shame from your place?

Barry, you want to settle down?

I don't do details. You know that.

You know, I will tell you this, though.

- What? - It might save you a year of your life.

What is it? What is she? What is it?

The map isn't real.

Wha...

Noooooo!

The map to Nebutopia is not real?!

Alexa Stone told you this?

Stevie: Barry! Barry! Shh! Take it easy, man!

It only takes one person to post that on the internet,

whole thing gets blown out of whack.

Eddie: Speaking of blowing things,

I totally blew it with Ingrid last night.

- How? - I gave her a compliment.

How'd you blow a compliment?

I compared her to her mom.

Never mention the mom. Or ass, actually.