Rules of Engagement

Hey.

Timmy. I got a lin'vite

to a shindig in the Hamptons

tomorrow. Be ready to leave at noon.

And don't wear that jacket that

makes you look like a terrorist.

So it's personally hurtful, and politically incorrect sir.

Well done.

However I can't make it.

Uhh... why?

I'm doing volunteer work tomorrow.

Oh you gotta make up for a little drinky drinky,

swervy, swervy.

No.

Oh, did you proposition an undercover cop?

No.

Oh it wasn't a cop.

How was she.

There was no prostitute.

I'm volunteering for an organization

that revitalized empty lots

and turns them into Parks.

I've even been successful in signing up

a few recruits from the office, sir.

Okay now I get why you're doing this.

Trying to dip your pen in the company sluts.

What started as a metaphor ended in tragedy.

Wait a second.

This one's married. This one's a lesbian.

This one's quick with the mace.

All right, fess up, what's in it for you?

I don't follow, sir?

Anyone who does any work with a charity has an angle.

My mom did it to get into the right parties.

My dad did it to look like a big man,

Even though all he did was write a check.

My Uncle Glen did it until child services

Shut down his camp.

Um...Well, I only volunteer

Because it makes me feel good, sir.

Oh, ho ho! Is that the way you want to play it?

Tell you what.

I'm gonna find out why you're really doing this.

Super use of your time, sir.

Now, if you will excuse me--

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll, uh, hang on to this.

Why? Are you going to sign up, sir?

No.

Just wanna get big old lesbian Shirley's

Home phone number, you know.

She's growing her hair out.

I think she's coming around!

So then I sat down and he said,

"wow, the picture on your profile page is way different."

And I said, "what do you mean?"

Even though I knew what he meant

Because I'd been using a blurry picture

Of Kim Kardashian I found on the Internet.

So you're not using the blurry picture

Of Penelope Cruz anymore?

No.

So then I'm in the middle of telling him

How cool my new tap class is

When he remembers that he's gotta go pick his sister up

From the airport and he's gotta go.

Well...

You don't want a guy that forgetful anyway.

Oh, the Mets suck!

Jeff, we are at dinner with Liz.

Well, don't blame me, blame the Mets' bullpen.

All right, you shouldn't be checking

The baseball scores at the table.

You're right. There's a tv in the bar.

F.Y.I., I counted my shrimp.

Anyway...

Oh, what about that guy that Lisa set you up with?

Oh, I called him for a second date,

And he told me he was moving to Canada the next day.

Well, that's just bad timing.

I bet Jeff didn't really count these.

I just have the worst luck.

Did you know I haven't slept with a man in almost a year?

Well, I have.

Let me tell you, you're not missing much.

I'm starting to think no one will

Ever want to sleep with me again.

Oh, Liz, no. That's not true.

No? Then name one person who would want me.

Well, uh, I don't know specifically, but I--

You don't have to do that. It's hopeless.

I just feel so alone.

Oh...I...

Jeff!

Huh?

Jeff would totally sleep with you.

What?

I probably shouldn't be telling you this,

But you know how married people sometimes--

No.

Right, well...

Sometimes married people play that game

Where you make a list, you know, of who

You'd have sex with if, God forbid,

Something happened to the other one.

And it just so happens you were on Jeff's list.

Come on. No, I'm serious.

You're in the top five. Ha!

Wow! Jeff finds me attractive.

That makes me feel so good.

But, Audrey, I would never do anything--

Oh, no, no. Of course.

I mean, I have to. But...

Oh...Oh, God. Oh!

Adam, I am not enjoying this.

It's like a soundtrack to their sex life.

You're so inconsiderate.

He knows I'm trying to lose a few pounds.

Good, maybe I can get a little more room on the bench.

What, I'm sneakin' a cheek over here.

I'm sorry, I can't help it.

These waffles are so good.

Jeff, here. Taste this.

I can't. I'm allergic to strawberries.

My head swells up like a bounce house.

Uh-oh. Call the hospital.

It already happened!

Wha--? Come on, you guys used to be fun.

What happened to the laughter?

Jen, you don't need to lose weight.

That's what I told her.

No, I do!

I went to try on wedding dresses this week

And when they would fasten them up,

The fat on the top of my back would pinch together.

Like a butt.

Like a back butt.

Oh, yeah, my cousin Wanda had one of those at her wedding.

Wanda the hutt.

See? You have to be supportive of me.

Honey, it would be easier if you weren't being crazy.

I mean, you think you need to lose weight--

Which you don't--

And then I suffer because you won't

Let me keep my treats in the house.

He calls them treats?

Yeah, I got some work to do before the wedding.

Hey, you made reservations

At Walden's Steakhouse for tomorrow, right?

Uh, yeah, yeah. And, um, sorry...

But it turns out it's going to be a double date.

Don't be mad at me, but Liz met someone on the Internet.

Aw, damn it!

Is this Liz, your old boss,

The one whose tap recital you had to go to?

Yes.

You know, I thought there would be

At least one other adult in it.

Anyway, I invited her

'cause I thought she'd be more comfortable

Meeting this guy with us there.

Yeah, cause she knows it's gonna take all three of us

To keep him from running away.

Do, uh, you and Jen ever do any charity work?

Uh, sometimes.

Just last night Jen did some charity work,

If you know what I mean.

You're referring to yourself as charity?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, wait...No.

Too late, you did.

I just texted Jeff.

So what's goin' on over there?

Jen is on this crazy diet,

And last night she ate some of my treats.

I mean, my adult snacks.

And then she got mad at herself and threw the rest out,

So I'm putting a lock on this cabinet so she can't get to it.

Heh...Congratulations, you're engaged to a bear.

Ah! Hey.

Hey, Jen.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Do you ever do any charity work?

Does talking to you right now count?

You know, I don't even know why I come over here.

Well, it's certainly not in response to an invitation.

All right, that's it, I can take a hint.

You guys want to order Chinese?

Oh, yeah, I'd love to.

No, too fattening.

Not if you don't eat it.

Oh, I think I've poked the bear.

What's this?

Oh, I locked up the junk food

So you wouldn't be tempted to eat it.

Seems pretty drastic, but really not necessary.

I've got all the healthy snacks I need right here.

Rice cakes, carrots, tofu--

Hey, is that a Kit Kat wrapper?

Oh...I can't believe someone threw that in there.