Pink Cadillac

Hello. Is this Randy Bates?

Who wants to know?

This is Crazy Carl Cummings.

KZTS--all-hits radio station. Pride of the Nation at 98.9.

And, Randy, we've got a surprise for you

just about as big as Barry Manilow's beak.

Are you sitting down, boy?

Better yet, are you laying down?

Or are you on a waterbed, all comfy?

Are you horizontal, Randy boy?

No. I'm sitting up,

but I think I can handle it.

You like country music, Rand?

Well, I used to like Roy Acuff.

Roy Acuff? Would you take Dolly Parton in a pinch?

Why, I may be Crazy Carl and certifiable, but I would.

But you won it, guy,

you won the KZTS phone-home prize--

an evening with Dolly Parton.

Ha ha ha!

Now...

The evening begins with a preshow dinner

for you and the lovely Miss Parton

at the Hawaii Kai room of the Sheraton Barstow,

a backstage pass for you

for Dolly's big show at the Barstow War Memorial,

and then a little dessert at Massamino's cafe.

And who knows where the evening's gonna end there, ol' Randy boy?

Because Dolly, she's a powerful, powerful woman.

She's been on the road a long, long, long, long time.

All right!

What's your favorite radio station, Rand?

KZTS.

I can't hear you, boy.

KZTS!

Yee-ow!

We'll pick you up at 6:00

in a long black limousine, Batesy baby.

Yeah! All right! Whoo!

Dolly Parton, huh?

Well, you turned a hard-core felon

into a trembling teenager.

What kind of indictment

did this guy skip out on?

2 counts of atrocious assault.

He found his wife in bed

with a roadie from ZZ Top

and took a tire iron to both of them.

You must be awful tired, Tom.

You had a hell of a drive just to get here.

That's my job--track 'em and snatch 'em.

I can't believe this guy's sitting there

expecting a limousine.

Mr. Bates?

Good evening, sir.

Congratulations.

Goddamn, I never won anything before.

Whoo!

Allow me, sir.

I am ready to party hard.

Whoo! Yeah!

Mr. Bates, my name is Tom Nowak.

And I've been empowered

by the state of California

to return you to Sacramento,

where you're due to stand trial.

You son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch.

Hey, what's your favorite radio station, Randy, my boy?

K-suck, you dork!

Uh-uh. Once we catch them,

we never gloat.

Thank you, gents.

What kind of music do you like, Randy?

Well, I sure as hell don't want to hear

no Roy Acuff. I'll tell you that.

Matter of fact, I'd like to hear something

that sounds about as mean as I feel.

Why don't you just let me pick it for you, then.

A Crazy Carl Cummings special.

John Capshaw from Sacramento

will try his power here on the bull Rampage.

He's got a good start.

Rampage is a tough one to ride.

Look like he might win some big money out of this rodeo.

Capshaw's gone down,

as the rodeo clowns move in here for the save.

Here's what our rodeo clowns are all about

as this bull takes it out on the barrel this time.

Thanks, partner.

Nice ride, cowboy.

Hey, Tom, how you doing?

Oh, say, hey, my favorite bloodhound.

I just did John Capshaw,

and I could sure use the cash now

if you got it.

You did Capshaw? How?

I'll tell you about it later.

You got the money?

We're just ordering. Sit down.

Sit down. You got to eat, for Christ's sake.

I'll have the Chief Justice Warren burger,

well-done, extra fries.

One Warren. Burn it.

Have you got the money? I got to visit somebody.

You got to visit somebody?

Isn't that funny?

I never thought of Tommy Nowak

as the kind of guy who pays a social call.

Have you got the money?

All right, all right.

Thanks.

Hey, Tom, tell us how you did Capshaw.

He tricked the poor bastard is what he did.

He snuck up

when the dude was half unconscious.

Who are you?

I'm Capshaw's lawyer, ok?

And I'll tell you this, Nowak:

There's a pretty thin line

between what you do

and what some outlaws do.

May be a thin line,

but, uh, it ain't invisible.

Hey, nice shot.

Man in truck: Woo! Yeah! Oww!

Afternoon, Ms. McGuinn.

Afternoon, Mr. Barton.

Ms. McGuinn, when are you gonna take some sun?

You're about the palest thing

in the whole damn camp.

One of these days, Mr. Barton.

Mr. Barton, remember when I gave you our rent money

on the first of the month, right on time?

Remember? Ha ha ha ha!

It's a golden day in my book of memories,

first time since you and your husband

came here when you actually paid

when it was due.

Can I have it back?

You're a really nice person, Mr. Barton.

Isn't he, hunh?

No, no, no.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey.

What's that?

Leave that alone. Huh?

That's baby food money, Roy.

It's not for shotguns, not for Wild Turkey,

not so you guys can go get wasted

on some kind of horse tranquilizer.

You're with me on that, Roy, right?

You hear, boys?

This is baby food money--

$120.

Could you help me with the baby, Roy?

Oh, say, hey, Roy.

Roy.

I've finally got it knocked, baby.

Knocked?

Like that Amway franchise in the desert

or the oil field work in Alaska?

Or how about our famous chinchilla farm, remember?

"Make cash fast, fast, fast,

by raising chinchillas for their pelts,"

unless you leave the cage door open

and they all run away.

Look, I know I screwed up a lot of things,

but honest, we're on dream street now.

Come on.

Shh!

How'd you make this money, Roy?

We didn't make it.

Some friends of ours did.

It's counterfeit?

State of the art, baby.

This is the big time, Lou.

Roy, Roy, listen to me.

You do 6 months for selling hot VCRs,

I'm still here when you get out, right?

Right? I waited for you.

But I didn't count on these prison buddies, Roy.

Please, for the baby's sake,

get rid of these psychos.

They scare me.

Psychos? These guys?

Look, just let me keep the money here a few days.

I'll find a good hiding place for it.

I know I've screwed up some things in the past,

but this is idiot-proof.

Now, doesn't it seem just a little strange

that this woman who has no previous record at all

is the only person being indicted

for possession of this counterfeit money?

Your honor,

she was the only one home

at the time of the raid,

and she refuses to tell us

anything about the crime.

Well, one could hardly blame the woman, Mr. Hastings,