Joy Ride

Oh, we used to hate each other.

-It's not we hated each other. -No, we didn't.

-I hated you. -Yeah, you hated me,

-and I hated me. -Yeah.

It's...

So we have that in common.

So, because this is something we're taping.

Yeah.

We're gonna be a little more professional.

My set list used to start with AIDs, rape, 9/11...

We lost material 'cause, um... of head trauma.

Which is, by the way, a completely legitimate excuse.

-Well! -Well, well, well.

I'm, I'm Bob Scratchgold Farm.

And I'm Detective Joe Friday!

I'm Dane Cookman.

Hi, I'm Kyle Kinane.

Look how beautiful this is.

It's pretty,

so at least the last thing we see will be heaven.

Yeah. One thing we can do is we do open with a car wreck.

Then I can go into the thing about people being offended,

my college roommate having diarrhea.

Ah! Well, hello Atlanta!

A funny thing happened on the way to the show.

Comedians Bobcat Goldthwait

and Dana Gould suffered minor injuries in a car crash

that forced them to cancel a show in Atlanta on Thursday.

Gould and Goldthwait are comedy stalwarts.

Excuse me, Chief Doyle?

I'm Ben.

And I am Holo.

Gould's best known for being a writer on The Simpsons.

Four people suffocated

and the creature from the black lagoon sued

until they got it right.

At least, I'm guessing that's true.

Goldthwait is best known for his role as Zed

in the Police Academy franchise.

-Hi. -This is Dana and Bob,

and this was the night

we were gonna start shooting the special.

Um...

I'm Bob.

And we're in the hospital.

I think the press kind of...

Minor injuries.

-I had, uh... -You were effed up.

-Yeah. I had, uh... -Concussion.

I had a concussion. Thank you.

I had some head trauma.

-Yeah! -But I'm good now.

He asks his friends...

Sure, sure, sure, Bob, Bob, Bob...

you're, you're, you're... fine, fine, fine...

I meant... I'm not Gary Busey.

I know where I am!

We broke ribs on each other. You gotta...

I broke my, my right ribs on your left ribs,

-or whatever that is. -Yeah.

I broke-- Yeah, it was like the origin of a super villain.

Two things about broken ribs: one, they're fine,

unless you don't need to inhale, exhale, cough, burp, breathe,

chew, snore...

I have never walked around my home

in dread of farting.

Really?

I think it's coming. I don't think I can stop it.

I dunno what I'm gonna do.

Is Jimmy here? The guy that was in the...

We made a friend in the trauma ward.

Bob had a giant concussion

and a big cut on his head.

And I had my memory come back in waves,

and I was on a gurney and I truly had this thought.

I went...

"Oh, he really is president."

Like, I had a fucking window there.

I was like...

Oh my God! What have we done?

And then I run, gurneys in the hallway,

and I look up

and the first thing I'm staring at

is a 90 to a hundred-year-old woman

in a hospital johnny that is not properly fitted.

Just...

Yeah.

And I did... like, you can see

all the way to Argentina, as the expression says.

And my first thought was

"I've died and gone to hell..."

"...or an incredibly specific heaven."

And now, it's

Bob Hope's Young Comedians: Making America Laugh.

With special guest stars, Crystal Bernard from Wings,

Boston's own Dana Gould...

I have the script

of the second to last Bob Hope specials,

-signed by Bob Hope. -Wow!

-Were you on it? Holy shit! -Yeah, I was.

It was on, like, one of my specials, I did

a bit about doing a commercial with him.

-What? -Oh, yeah! Yeah!

I feel like one of my early stand-up specials was like...

When will Bob Hope die?

I don't think there was a punchline.

But we did a commercial. My line was,

"Hi, I'm, I'm Dana Gould.

Join me and my new best friend

on his comedy special this Thursday night on NBC."

And then his line to me is he's supposed to look at me and go,

"Hey, I love this kid. Didn't you use to be my caddy?"

He looks at me and he literally goes...

"I love this kid."

And then they go, "We're gonna do it again."

"Why?"

And they couldn't tell him he fucked up the line.

-So they go... -Right. So get off here, 41.

So they go, "Peanuts!"

He goes, "What?"

"You had some... you're reading some peanuts."

Once more.

Once more?

What? Yeah.

What was wrong with it?

- Peanuts. -Too many peanuts.

- Huh? - Too many peanuts.

The rumor is, his big awful crime

was when they interred all the Japanese farmers in WWII

for having the audacity to be Japanese.

Bob went and bought all their farms for like $2...

-Did he really? Course. -Yeah, of course.

Yeah. No, it's really awful.

Now I don't feel bad...

No, no, there's no reason to be.

...wondering when he was gonna be dead.

I love this kid.

Didn't you used to be my caddy?

I went to the Women's March

and I posted a picture,

and I got a lot of death threats, which is insane,

but also, I was like, I realized, I was, like, "Oh!"

I was like, "Who voted for Trump?"

and it, it turns out Police Academy fans.

Yes.

Police Academy fans

love Trump. They're like,

"You really let us down, Officer Zed."

But it attracts

people who are fans of incompetence with authority

-also like Trump. -Yeah.

Also, the biggest insult now, too...

Death threats, for some reason, they don't bother me,

but what makes me laugh is the people

like, in our culture now,

the worst thing you can say is "unfollow."

Like that's gonna hurt me. Like, unfollow.

It's, like, I used to play arenas.

Millions of people have unfollowed me.

You're really late to this...

...@ToddOakleyWarrior4Life7.

It's the, in fact, now is a great time,

we should say this right out the gate,

we're gonna go, we're gonna talk for a while tonight,

and if anything Bob or I says,

does, sincerely offend you...

we don't want you to feel that it's incumbent upon you

to come up to us later

and explain it to us.

That's your secret.

You hold that tight.

You keep that to yourself.

It's like... No conversation's ever gone well

that start with, "Can I ask you something?"

-Yeah. -It's never like...

"Is this your money?"

-Yeah, man. -It's never good.

-Can I ask you something? -Okay, we went to a restaurant.

-Bob, you're vegetarian. -Yeah, I'm a vegan, actually.

You don't get this body putting shit in it.

No.

This woman just went like...

"He's a vegan?"

Yeah, I mean, I don't do the commercials,

I'm not Moby or something, you know. It's like...

What? All right, go ahead.

So we're at this restaurant,

bunch of people, I don't know everybody,

I make the casual error

of admitting that I'm not vegetarian.

And this one guy, like, gets all bent out of shape.

"Oh! Oh, so...

So, you'll eat a steak?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, but you don't wanna watch them murder the cow."

Nailed it.

I love my brother.

I don't wanna watch my parents fuck.

You don't have to drag everything back

to the point where it's awful.