Archer

Splendid. Yes.

And we'll work out all the details when... hm?

Yes, it sounds amazing, it really does, but...

We'll talk about it when you get here.

Hm? Mm.

Something on your mind, dear?

Not anymore.

What in the... a microchip?

Russian markings? What on earth is this?

Krieger thinks it's some kind of satellite-linked mind-control device.

Mind control? Why does he think that?

Because he removed it from my brain? What?!

I told Krieger about my headaches, he gives me a cat-scan, then boom.

Next thing I know he shoots me full of some kinda, I dunno, fish paralyzer...

That crazy... And then it was drill, baby, drill.

Oh my God, how do you feel?

Little pissed off, actually.

Well that's understan... Because it was obviously

put in my brain in the first place by your boyfriend, Nikolai Jakov of the KGB!

Sterling, first of all we're not even together anymore...

I bet. And second of all!

Why would he put a mind-control chip into your brain?

I assume because he thinks he's my father!

And what, you think he wanted to... mind-control you into loving him?

You tell me! That's your specialty!

Get out. No.

Yes!

Mother, you've been lying to me my entire life!

Just for once, I want you to tell me the truth!

Well, people in hell want ice water.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm right in the middle of a fairly huge deal.

Buying a lock factory?

For your information, I'm... no,

never mind, you'll find out soon enough as it is.

Oh, that's classic you!

Avoid the truth, bury the secrets, hide the...

Oh for the...I'm selling ISIS! You what?!

There! Happy?

No.

Mother, tell me this is a joke!

The only joke is my bank statement.

What?

Everything I had was in a hedge fund, but it turns out the whole thing

was nothing but a damn Ponzi scheme...

I lost all my money. I'm ruined.

so you're selling ISIS?

She what?!

Aww, maaan... That's totally not iree.

CHERYL/CAROL: Then why don't you go back to Jamaica?

A, because I got deported, and B... So can she actually sell ISIS?

Like, doesn't the government own it?

CHERYL/CAROL: Yeah, I've never been clear on that.

It's way too complicated to explain, especially to you two,

but short answer yes, she can sell ISIS.

The question is, who would buy it?

ODIN?!

CHERYL/CAROL Or whom...

Yes, ODIN.

Why would ODIN want to buy... Oh my God, is Len Trexler behind this?!

He made me a very attractive offer.

I bet!

That's because he wants to... you know, that! With you!

But... wait a minute, does he know you're... Gorgeous!

Hello, Leonard!

Hello, beautiful!

Hey, kiddo.

Hey back and if you don't mind, we're kind of in the middle of something?!

Actually Sterling, if you don't mind?

Len and I have a lot to talk about.

Like selling ISIS out from under us?!

That, and the round-the-world luxury cruise I'm taking with your mom.

The what? Hopefully in the honeymoon suite!

The what?!

And then the unemployment office, after ODIN lays us all off.

CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh!

That totally stinks!

Eh, you were on borrowed time anyway.

CHERYL/CAROL: No, that!

What are you eating?!

Ackee and saltfish.

Yeah thanks, this is only mohair!

So, you really think ODIN's gonna get rid of everybody?

No. Not everybody... In fact, ODIN plans to promote

a very select few ISIS personnel to fill some of the impending vacancies.

Vacancies like...?

Malory Archer's chair.

Wh-? Really?!

Well figuratively, I mean I don't know about the actual chair, but...

So I'd be like, like the... Regional director for the Americas.

Barry, that's my dream job!

Yours for the taking.

If you are similarly mine.

For the taking.

Taking as in... to get this job I'd have to have sex with you?

Your words.

And also mine. Yes.

Hey! hey!

Do you idiots wanna hear my plan or not?!

Okay, so... suggestions.

About... what?

What're we talking about?!

Stopping my mother from selling ISIS to ODIN!

CHERYL/CAROL: You said you had a plan!

My plan, is to crowdsource a plan!

My ear bells!

Don't you people have work to do?!

Not for long, huh?

Uh, can't wait to welcome each and every one of you into the ODIN family!

And speaking of, kiddo, hope you're gonna welcome me into your family.

My fam..., uh, uh, uhrrowrrmf!

Ugh!

You people better not track that onto the carpet!

It's filthy enough as it is.

C'mon, Len.

I'll follow you anywhere, my sweet!

Holy shitsnacks... Is Trexler buying ISIS

just to get your mother to marry him?!

No! Yes! Look, shut up. That is some high-priced MILF.

Hey! Shut up!

And think of a way to make Trexler not want my mother!

We could give her a MILFectomy.

If you say milf one more time, I will shoot you in your eyeballs.

She does have a point, though Not the... m-i-l-f part!

But if we could make Trexler fall out of love... CHERYL/CAROL: How?: Trust me,

you can't control a person's heart.

You can with a little thing I like to call a

deep-cycle marine battery.

Or LSD.

CHERYL/CAROL: Is that what you've been giving me?!

Yes?

Well that explains a lot... CHERYL/CAROL: I thought those

were breath strips!

But anyway, whatever, emotions like "love" don't

actually come from the heart, they come from the... ARCHER: The brain!

Yeah.

Or LSD.

Oh, come on...

Where is the trust?

What could be so secret she wired it up with twelve pounds of C-4?

Ugh, I don't think I even wanna know...

What.

Nice.

Here, take a look at this.

Okay, which one of these wires Blue and yellow.

Ya wanna look at it for more than half a second?

I wired the damn thing! Ass!

Well I didn't know that! Ass!

Okay... I lied, I didn't wire it.

ARCHER What?!

Badumpbump.

You think that's funny?

Not compared to that.

What is that? Oh yeah.

No no no no no, Ray what do I do?!

Well if you don't shut if off... She'll know somebody was in here!

So you could wait for the batteries to die...

Okay, yeah that's... But sounds like

there's about four big ol' D-cells in it.

ARCHER Aww, maaan... Yeah, it's... it's pretty big.

Is it black?

ARCHER Wh-? No, it's... Slightly darker black?

ARCHER No! It's not any kind of black!

Racist. Shut up!

It's more of a... Aubergine?

I guess you'd call that?

Oh. Still pretty hot.

Will you shut up?

Take a picture. Shut up!

Okay, I'm going in. Aww man, can't believe I'm doing this...

Try to think about something else.

Like how there's no sink in there.

So what if there's no... Oh my God!

Yeah.

There's no sink!

Ugh... there's not enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that.

I touched my mother's dildo.

You shoulda borrowed these.

They're like super heavy du... aagh!

Hey!

What the hell're you doing?

What're you doing?!

Making robot birds?

Lana we're in crisis mode, Mother's trying to sell us to ODIN!

I know.

So how about don't break any more stuff in my new office?

Your new... oh my God, ODIN's making you the new boss?

Yup. I mean, I kinda maybe have to sleep with Barry, but... ARCHER Wh-?!

Lana, how can you do that?!

By getting drunk and knowing it's the same thing your mother's doing?

And I know that it's killing you that she's leaving you for another man,

and you better not mess it up for me.

Speaking of mess, you traitor, your stupid birdbot is leaking.

My what?

Aw, shit!

Probably hydraulic fluid.

It's sweet-and-sour, dumbass!

Yeah who's the dumbass now, Lana?

Or whom... Barry.

How's your shattered femur?

How's your... creepily childlike feeling of maternal abandonment?