House of Lies

My name is Marty Kaan, and I'm a management consultant.

I took the plea deal so I could get back to work faster.

So let's just go through the financials...

Marty, I'm pregnant.

After everything between us,

I rekindled something with an old college beau, Edwin.

What I'm getting from Kaan and Associates is shit.

Go fuck yourself and your lousy business.

You know we can't afford to lose even

this shitty account, right? We're broke, completely broke.

Are you nuts, dude? Haven't you worked for him before?

I never had a problem with Monica.

Is that Ellis Hightower?

Our boy, Ellis Gage Hightower,

godhead of electric cars.

This guy's got a lot of money.

- Hey, brother. - And I plan to take a lot of his money.

This piece of business is

our ticket out of the shit shed.

We need to just get through this transition,

and then you should leave... for good.

I just don't think that, uh...

Do we really want to do this?

Are you fucking kidding me?

We already talked about this. Yeah, I know.

I just think we may have more perspective

when you get back from your sister's, don't you?

Oh, speaking of which, if you wanted

to get a sandwich before you make your flight.

You are such a pussy sometimes.

Well, I am what I eat.

No, Doug, please, just ask her. Okay.

Please...

Hey... there she is.

Hi.

Hi.

So, uh, how's it going?

How, uh, how, you know, how you doing?

It's Joey from Friends. Do you remember that show?

Good show. Doug, just...

Yeah, um...

So, Jeannie, listen, uh...

do you remember, uh, how Sarah lost her job eight months ago?

I know, fuck Obamacare, right?

Didn't you work at a veterinary clinic?

Yeah. Yeah.

But regardless, um, having her around more.

Boy, oh, boy, it's been great.

Just so great, lo, these... these many, many months.

Ow.

And it gave her a chance to nest.

Filling the nest, however, well, that has proved elusive.

Fertility treatments, countless specialists,

and still you can hear a big old echo

in that uterus of hers, huh?

Hello, hello, hello.

Okay, also, you know,

his little men are not exactly Michael Phelps.

Eh, inconclusive. It's...

Anyway, we were wondering if, um...

and we totally understand i-if you don't want to,

but if there was any chance that you didn't want,

or were thinking about... Are you asking me for my baby?

Oh... my God, I think he is.

No, he couldn't possibly.

No offense to you and Edwin...

Well, you've never met Edwin, so...

Mother and father on opposite coasts.

Yeah, it's not good.

That's sad to me. Yes, I'm...

You know, I think a baby needs stability.

Which the baby would get with you and Doug?

I do. I think that that's actually

a very attractive offer. Is it?

Maybe you don't know this, but babies come with many hassles.

Oh, and you could come visit at any time you wanted.

No? Okay. Scheduled visits. That's... No.

Please never let this moment end.

- Do you have your video recording device? - Yeah.

- Yeah, I do. - Let's get this happening.

What we would love for you to do is take time and think about it. - Yeah.

I'm not giving you my baby.

You are so fucking selfish.

And you are so fucking bat-shit crazy.

Oh, Jeannie, what's the big deal?

Just give 'em the baby.

- It's not like it's a baby. - We all know

that you are bound to be a terrible mother.

Oh, you do? Yeah. Doug, back me up.

Doug, back me up. Uh...

Ah... Pick a side, Doug.

I-I don't know if you'll be great.

Terrible!

Terrible. So, maybe be wise and

think of us as like preemptive Child Protective Services.

- Ooh. - All right,

I'm gonna get some work done now.

This has been very interesting.

She doesn't even want it.

Yeah? I'll try that.

Um, so, look, I mean, you probably

don't even want the baby.

I want the baby, Doug.

Okay, well, I know you have to say that

in front of people,

but between you and me... I want the baby.

You do. You've left a path of shattered lives.

What's one more, right? Oh, good.

So we're on the same page. Oh, oof!

And that could be a good place to edit our stuff together.

I don't see how it could get any better than that. - Yeah.

We will find Doug's body chopped up in a freezer one day, yeah?

Hm. Fingers crossed.

How's Roscoe?

How's Roscoe?

"He's good, Jeannie. How's your mom?"

"You know, she's still a cunt."

Oh, okay, so I'm the asshole here.

No, you...

Look, you asked me to leave, I'll leave.

I just don't see the harm

in us h-having an innocuous conversation.

You still don't think I meant what I said, hmm?

I just wanted to know how Roscoe was.

Um...

Roscoe used to have this book of fables.

Now, he always wanted me to read him this book

about a girl who lost her stuffed animal or some shit.

But anyway, I liked the fables.

And, uh, they had this one about a scorpion and a frog.

You familiar with it?

Um...

So, this scorpion asks this frog

to carry it across a stream or something, whatever.

And, uh, the frog is, like,

"No way, man. You're gonna sting me."

And the scorpion assures the frog

that this is in neither of their best interests.

"I mean, I kill you, I drown, right?"

So, the frog sees the wisdom in this,

and the scorpion hops on his back, boom, off they go.

Then midstream, sure enough.

Scorpion stings the frog.

And as they both start to sink,

the dying frog manages a weak, "Why?"

And the scorpion says,

"'Cause I'm a motherfucking scorpion, that's why."

I mean, I paraphrased it slightly.

You're a dishonest person, Jeannie.

And I get dishonesty.

I mean, I do, of course, but...

yours doesn't seem to have an off switch.

Now, I may end up drowning,

but it's not gonna be because of you.

Okay, in the morning, you have exactly 90 minutes

to take a shower, get dressed, make your bed, and then,

you go to work, and you want to make sure that you get ever...

Listen, Gabe, I don't need you to give me every goddamn detail.

Marty, look, when I first got here,

I had this cellmate who was a meth dealer.

He was just a total dick.

I kept thinking to myself, "How'd this guy make any sales

with that kind of bedside manner?"

Anyway, I told myself when I got a new cellmate,

I'd do things differently.

So, new cellmate...

...what's your work detail?

Prison garden.

Oh, man.

Get out.

That's where I work, too. How awesome is that?

It's pretty awesome.

Yeah, it is pretty awesome.

Oh, guess who also works in the garden-- look.

Am I supposed to know who the fuck you're pointing at?

The guy with the glasses.

Oh. Okay. Okay.

That's Ellis Hightower.

You know, we planted carrots in the garden the other day.

It's no biggie, it's whatever.

Do you want to meet him?

No, not really.

It's Ellis Hightower.

Wow. Rich businessman.

You throw a stick, you fucking hit ten of 'em in here.

Okay, Ellis is not a rich businessman.

He's a preeminent genius of our time.

And I'm not just talking about electric cars, okay?

He's made amazing strides in artificial intelligence.

You know, ten years from now, thanks to Ellis,

your barber is going to be a robot.

The guy who makes your coffee is gonna be a robot.

The greeter at your Gap is gonna...

Don't tell me-- robot.

You know what? Can I ask you something?

How long before all these, uh,

baristas and barbers rise up and kill everybody?

People mock what they don't understand.

Okay. Oh.

Hey, man. Uh...