The Good Place

- Morning, Mike. How's it hanging?

- Oh. Fine, Dave, just fine.

- Listen, we got the files for the new crop of incoming,

and the big guy thinks it's time for you to fly solo.

I get to design it myself?

- You've been an apprentice long enough. You're ready.

- Oh, Dave, I'm gonna work so hard.

My design is gonna be absolutely perfect.

Easy there, rookie.

Starting immediately, you'll be reporting

directly to the front office.

This is your shot. Good luck.

- the bad place is owed two people.

You have all done bad things since you arrived here.

I don't care which two of you go.

You can decide. You have 30 minutes.

- All I ever wanted was for this neighborhood--

my first neighborhood to be perfect.

Somehow I blew it and... Well, you're all suffering,

and for that, I'm deeply sorry.

This is truly the saddest day of my life.

- Okay, I guess I'll speak first.

Jason and I are the mistakes.

We're the ones who misled everybody

and dragged you all into this mess, so...

We should go to the bad place.

- Agreed. - Yes.

- Okay, I thought you were gonna at least pretend

to fight me on that, but whatever.

- Hang on. That judge guy just said

everyone here has done bad things.

Let's look at this ethnically.

"Ethically."

- You guys helped me and Eleanor, right,

but we're bad, so you helping us was bad.

It's basic consequentialism: The morality of an action

is solely judged on its consequences.

Great.

The one time you actually remember something from class.

- Maybe I was brought here by mistake,

but since we've been here, i just tried

to stay out of everyone's way.

Chidi's done worse stuff than me.

He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!

- I was trying to stop you from doing it!

Yeah, but you did it.

He who smelt it murdered Janet.

- Well, it's settled then.

Eleanor and jianyu are leaving.

- For the last time, my name is Jason,

not jianyu, the amazing and incredible monk.

- Which is why you belong in the bad place.

- And by the way, Janet is not your wife,

or your soul mate.

There's a Janet in every neighborhood.

- Well, I'm in love with this Janet.

We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff

which almost turned out to be sex,

and we were married in a legal ceremony.

It was not legal.

- Okay, j-bones, you and me, outside.

What? But--

I'm not going. I don't wanna.

- Well, I don't wanna either, but let's face it.

Chidi and tahani are better people than we are.

We tried to improve ourselves and we did a good job.

Well, I did a good job.

You mostly fell asleep in class

or made fart noises with your hands.

I could never do that

on earth.

This place truly is paradise.

- Whispering away like two beefeaters on a tea break.

I bet they're plotting against us.

- No way. Eleanor wouldn't do that.

- You do have feelings for her, don't you?

Yes.

think about this again. My brain will break.

- I'm sorry, it's just that i have certain feelings for you.

I don't mean to contribute to your misery,

it's just that I'm frightened.

I don't have an actual soul mate.

What's gonna happen to me when Jason and fake Eleanor go

and you're off with real Eleanor?

Whither tahani?

Okay, team meeting.

Jason has agreed that the two of us should go.

Bye, tahani.

After I'm gone you can go ahead and clean out my bud hole.

Thank you.

- I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.

I will not.

It is literally impossible for me to do that.

well, it's been real, dog.

Sorry, that's how I ended most of my serious relationships.

Yeah, that checks out.

I feel like I failed you.

- No. Don't ever think that.

I was dropped into a cave, and you were my flashlight.

Oh. Good-bye forever.

I will miss you so much.

- I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.

All right, ready to go? Let's grab Michael.

Come in.

- Hi, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

Um, I'm going to the bad place. I've taken one of the slots.

- What? - Awesome.

- Eleanor, that's crazy. You belong here.

Why would you go?

- Everyone here is supposed to have a soul mate,

and my soul mate doesn't love me.

I don't know if you love the other Eleanor

or tahani or someone else,

but you don't love me, which means that this...

Will never really be my good place.

I'm going, so you only have to choose one more person.

Okay, that means--

what does that mean?

It means...

I get to stay here with my wife forever!

We did it, Eleanor! Usa! Usa! Usa!

No matter what they decide, I'd bet you're gonna be

in pretty hot water with your boss.

Wouldn't be surprised if retirement were on the table.

Retirement?

I'm just the all-knowing judge of all matters in the afterlife.

But face it, this is your mistake.

- Morning, Mike. - Morning, val.

- Which one's which? I always forget.

- Black is regular, orange is anti-matter.

- Working on your first solo design, right?

How's it coming?

- Do you ever get the feeling we could be doing it all...

I mean, it's always the same. We get the names,

come up with the design, they arrive,

we move on to the next one.

We never even get to be there... To see how fun it is.

- Yeah, I guess, but don't rock the boat here, pal,

just try to do a good job.

Mm. French vanilla?

Regular anti-matter's fine. Why flavor it?

a good job.

- all right, nerds, let's just get this over with.

I'll go to the bad place with real Eleanor,

and you three can stay. - Yes!

We get to stay, baby! We did it!

Wait, no.

You're not going.

I am.

- Real Eleanor is my soul mate-- or was my soul mate--

and she's only going down there

because she thinks that I don't love her.

Please don't ask me that. My stomach hurts.

The point is, if she's going down there because of me,

- Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!

No, this is bonkers.

I am going. End of story.

- No, I'm going. End of everything.

- What? Now you're trying to replace chidi?

- No. I'm going to replace real Eleanor.

which means that you and real Eleanor and Jason can stay.

- Yes! We get to stay, baby! We did it!

- Look, I love you and I think you love me.

We can be together, away from everyone else.

Obviously, we'll be miserable,

but I truly believe our love will make us happy.

- Okay, you realize the bad place is not

some sort of couples retreat, right?

- If it is, Janet and i would like to go.

- Oh, that's enough out of you, robot lover.

- Hey, that's racist! - Not a robot.

Oh, you have some nerve.

Guys?

Guys!

Holy motherforking shirtballs.

What?

Wow!

Okay, okay.

Uh, whoo!

Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out!

Is everything okay?

- Right as rain, Mikey my boy.

So, chidi and I are gonna go to the bad place.

- What? - Trust me, I've got this.

That's our decision. Let's hit it.

- Well, what about real Eleanor?

- No, it's me and chidi. Call the train.

- Point of order. I don't accept this offer.

The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.

- Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us.

It's me and chidi. Let's do it to it.

- Michael! I just found an obscure precedent

in the rules that might just save everyone.

- Buzz off, bambadjan! Don't need it.

Oh, okay.

Ready when you are, boss.

- Eleanor, what's going on?

- It took me a while to figure it out,

but just now as we were all

fighting and yelling at each other