The Neighborhood

Hey!

Hey, Victor. What are you doing?

What's it look like I'm doing? I'm showering.

Yes, I can see that.

But I really don't think you should be taking advantage

of Calvin's property like this.

It's... it's not right.

Well, I'm on Calvin's property,

but I'm using your water.

Does that make you feel any better?

No, it does not make me feel any better.

Victor.

I know you're not taking a shower in my yard.

He sure is, but you know what,

if it makes you feel any better, he's using my water.

It would make me feel better if he was wearing pants.

Let me get my paper, man.

Oh, hey, hey, man. That's my towel.

And that's my loofah, but you can keep that.

- Oh, what? - Yeah, and then he had the nerve

To ask me for a towel.

Man, ever since Crackhead Victor lost his house,

he has taken his antics to a whole new level.

Yeah.

Yeah, if only there was a...

a strong Black man who could talk to him.

You know, someone in the neighborhood

who everyone looks up to,

and who just loves getting in other people's business.

Nope, nope, not gonna happen.

Every time I try to help him, I always get burned.

Last time,

he stole the seats out my truck.

Had to drive to work in a lawn chair.

Come on, Dave. We out of here.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Keisha!

Hey, Uncle Que.

Yo, I heard Keisha just broke up with Big Time Slim.

Okay, I have always had a crush on her.

And now that we're a little bit older,

it's finally time for me to shoot my shot.

Listen, save your marshmallow bullets, Cupid.

Right. - You're not exactly Keisha's type, bro.

Yeah, man, she likes rappers. You know, thugs.

Dudes with tattoos and swag.

You know, basically everything opposite of you.

Yeah.

Trust me, I'll get my chance.

And when I do, I'll be ready.

: Okay.

Bye, Uncle Que.

Thanks, Marty.

Top of the morning to ya!

Oh.

Well, this has gone too far.

So, Gemma, what's got your husband's tight khakis

in a bunch?

We just found Victor napping in our car.

What?

Yeah, he says the pine smell helps

with his allergies.

Aw... Calvin, honey.

I think it's time for you to talk to Victor again.

No, babe.

I've been down that road with him too many times.

It's a dead end.

Calvin, you watched Victor grow up.

He was like a nephew to you.

Wow, I didn't know you and Victor were that close.

Oh, are you kidding me?

Calvin loved Victor so much,

that when Victor wanted to become a barber,

Calvin let him practice on his hair.

And it was that love that saved his behind

when he pressed and curled my hair like Al Sharpton.

Wait, so you guys knew Victor before he started using?

Yeah.

He got hooked after he was deployed to Afghanistan.

Oh, what a shame.

He risked his life for our country,

and then he ended up on the streets.

You know, the VA has a rehab program to help veterans.

I could probably get him some help.

Yeah, you know what, look, I can handle Victor.

Calvin, you've done enough.

I once helped my college roommate kick NoDoz.

Calvin, please go save my man.

Okay, Dave.

Now listen, in order to help Victor,

- first we got to catch him. - Mm-hmm.

And when he's using, he gets super skittish

when he feels threatened, so...

we got to treat him like a wild bear in a mosh pit.

Calvin, I got this.

People don't call me Speedy Johnson for nothing.

Nobody calls you Speedy Johnson.

Everybody calls me Speedy Johnson.

Oh, my...

Okay, here comes Victor.

Remember what I said. Don't move.

Hey, Victor.

Uh...

can I talk to you for a second?

Go! Go, go, Speedy!

Victor, get back here!

No, Victor, no.

Victor!

Yeah, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

I got him.

- Nice haircut, man. - Thanks.

What just happened?

Crack, Dave. Crack happened.

All right, come on.

Mmm, you know what this cupcake needs?

A paying customer?

Sorry.

I'm just always hungry all the time.

I'm eating for two.

Yeah, well, right now you're eating for free.

Oh, I'm so happy you're both here.

I'm looking for some fashion advice

from some cool, hip women.

- Oh, thank you, baby. - OH, that's so sweet.

Yeah, but since I couldn't find any,

I thought I'd come to you two.

Talk fast, boy.

Okay, okay. Uh...

It's time for me to go in a new direction,

clothes-wise.

I love any kind of makeover.

Makeup, clothes, bathrooms.

I live for a reveal.

Okay, well,

are you up-to-date on the latest street fashion?

I'm gonna have to do some light Instagram stalking,

- but I am sure I can figure it out. - Okay.

Well, since I've got these cupcake orders to fill,

I'm gonna leave my baby in your hands.

Oh, hell nah!

First, you eat up all my cupcakes,

and then you turn my son into one of the Migos.

Nailed it!

Gemma got your boy nice. No cap, Tina.

You call me Tina again, I'm-a cap that ass.

- I'm sorry, Mama. - Yeah.

Since we can't outrun him, we got to outthink him.

All right? Give me your sunglasses,

your phone and your wallet.

: Okay, come on.

All right.

There.

The crackhead trap is set.

Okay, here he comes, here he comes.

Hide, hide.

Gotcha.

All right, let me out of here, man.

All right, look, Victor,

all we want to do is talk, man.

Okay, come on, Victor.

I can always get another lamp.

No, no, no! No!

Not my Ed Sheeran autographed ukulele.

Victor, listen to me, man.

You better get off that table.

You can't tell me what to do!

I'm a grown man!

What's going on?

Why is Victor on my table?

Boy, if you don't get down...

I'm gonna give you everything your butt signed up for.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm talking about everything your butt signed up for.

Man, when are they gonna get here?

I'm ready to get this intervention on.

Trey, why are you so excited about Victor's intervention?

Because for the first time, I'm on the other side, player.

: Oh, yerp.

What up, yo?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Sorry, man.

The barbershop is closed.

Malcolm, it's me, Marty.

I know it's you, Marty.

I'm pretending I don't know you.

Man, go home and change!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't hate, man.

I have the look of the Migos with the attitude of Ice Cube.

You look like a wide receiver on draft day.

What is this all about, Marty?

Hey, man, just...

Never mind.

Marty?

Is that you?

Yeah, fo sho, baby.

Fo sho.

But the streets call me Big Mar.

This is a way different look

than what you were sporting earlier.

Uh, yeah, that-that's because

you caught me in my court outfit.