The Odd Couple

Upload profile pic.

All right, good women of New York,

get ready to meet...

...your creepy Uncle Oscar.

Hey, Oscar.

No, I'm not!

I just came by to borrow Felix's chess set.

What makes you think Felix has a chess set?

It's for my son Andre.

I've been trying to get him into sports,

but the poor little guy can't run, throw,

catch, hit.

He even has trouble standing.

They put him in the outfield,

he kept falling over.

Yeah, I had the same problem in softball,

except it was tequila-related.

Hey, Felix.

You mind if I, uh, borrow your chess set for my son?

Oh, he's given up on athletics?

Good for him.

His teenage years will be free of injury.

And girlfriends.

Well, Oscar, I may have resolved my issues with Norman.

Our doorman?

You have have a doorman

named Norman?

Yes, and he's terrible.

He just stands there, holding the door open for people.

That bastard.

No, that's all he does.

He won't do anything else.

He won't clean the smudges off the glass.

He wears his uniform cap intentionally off-kilter

like a rapper singer.

And worst of all...

Please don't bring up

that stupid thing you want him to say.

We live in a building called The Royal Arms.

Would it be so hard to send us off with an uplifting

"Have a royal day"?

So this morning,

he barely grunted at me,

and I took matters into my own hands.

Felix, what did you do?

I sent a strongly worded text to building management,

including a string of angry emojis.

Including, yes,

the guy with steam coming out of his ears.

No, we can't piss Norman off!

He's keeping our secret.

What secret?

The lease is in Gaby's name.

If the building finds out, we'll lose our rent control.

You didn't change the lease after the divorce?

I didn't change my pants after the divorce!

Oscar, why didn't you tell me?

Because I knew you'd give me a lecture on ethics.

Well, that's right because when we lie to others we...

You take the stairs.

How did you?

I'm winded from the elevator ride.

Look at him over there.

Slouching like a teenage pot fiend.

Let me handle this.

Norman!

Oh, hey, Mr. Madison!

Mr. Unger.

Hey, you know how we're always talking about the Knicks,

'cause we're such good friends?

Well, I've got two tickets I'd love to give you,

you know, because we're...

such good friends.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Madison!

Oh, and, also Mr. Unger has something

he'd like to say to you... don't you, Mr. Unger?

Um, yes, Norman, I, um,

crossed the line with some emojis

that I texted to building management.

That, uh, smiling pile of excrement?

That's not who I am.

Thanks.

That means a lot.

I just wish you told me earlier.

What do you mean?

Well, Mrs. Lacroix from building management

called to issue me a formal reprimand.

Oh, yeah, she seems tough but fair.

The thing is I might've accidentally

mentioned to her your little lease secret.

Yeah.

She seemed pretty upset.

Said she'd have to raise your rent.

Plus you'll owe money in back rent.

Yep, "tough but fair."

But friends...

us...

such good.

I'm sorry, Mr. Madison.

You've always been good to me.

Unlike some people.

Well, don't worry.

Some people are gonna get what's coming to them.

Just a reminder,

some people have pepper spray.

Hey, Mr. Unger?

You have yourself a royal day.

I know they're a long shot

but put 500 bucks on Boston.

Score more!

Score less!

Run faster!

Come in third!

Hello, Oscar!

No! No!

Yes!

I said third!

What's going on?

Because of stupid Felix, I have to come up with ten grand

or I'll lose the apartment, so I'm betting on jai alai.

Quick question.

What's jai alai?

Stupid Felix already paid his half of the back rent

and it's not his fault that you haven't saved a penny.

Oscar, why can't you just sell some of your sports memorabilia?

What about that-that baseball signed by the '69 Mets?

The '69 Mets? No way!

That's my favorite team.

And the funniest year.

I'm not giving that up for 11 grand.

- I thought you said ten. - It was.

But I lost a grand on the Westminster Dog Show.

Great Dane?

More like mediocre Dane.

Oscar, this is not good.

You know you have a problem with gambling.

No!

You don't have a problem with gambling?

Oh, yeah, big problem.

I was yelling because Britain elected a Labor Party guy,

and I had my money on the opposition.

Hey, everybody! You remember Andre.

Hello, hello.

Aw, hey, little guy.

How's it going?

Good!

Now that I don't have to play softball anymore.

That ball goes really fast.

And it's not that soft.

Hey, thanks for the lesson, Felix.

We tried watching a chess video, but then we fell asleep

because we were watching a chess video.

Of course, I'm happy to show him the basics.

But just remember, Andre, everything in moderation.

Chess is a wonderful hobby, but it's only a game.

It's only a game.

Can we sit the whole time?

And will there be snacks?

Yes.

Carrot sticks!

I don't think I'm gonna like chess.

Yes! No!

Punt! Spike!

Sorry!

Ah, it has been 30 years since I surveyed this landscape.

64 squares, 32 pieces,

black versus wh...

why don't we get started?

So, uh, how do you know so much about chess?

Oh, I dabbled when I was younger.

I was actually nationally ranked.

Really? You never told me that.

If you were so good, why'd you stop?

Oh, you know, when you hit adolescence,

a boy's thoughts turn to other things.

Like the cello.

Say, Felix, don't people make money

betting on chess?

Yes, some unsavory types meet in the parks

to flout the law and sully the integrity of the game.

And you're really good at chess?

Yes, because of my ability

to always see five moves ahead.

So the answer to the question you are going to ask me is no.

Well, the question I was about to ask

is "Will you not play chess for money?"

So, you know, ha!

Andre, I'm sorry that you have to see this.

Gambling has no part in this noble pursuit.

Oh, he's just glad he doesn't have

to go outside and run around.

Can you imagine?

Come on, Felix, help me out here.

You're the reason Norman turned us in.

And if I don't come up with my half of the rent,

I'm gonna have to move in with Dani.

That's your backup plan?

You need to backup off that backup plan.

Okay, fine, I'll play.

But just to keep us off of the streets