Columbo

An exciting meal has been ruined by the presence of this liquid filth.

Now you've blown the money.

I'm just happy you didn't report me to my superior.

This Gun for Hire.

No offense to your mother.

Why were you assigned to the case?

I mean, you're... you're in Homicide, aren't you?

I just go where they tell me to.

Of course, the first thing I wanted was a cold beer.

You really are a sly one, Lieutenant.

Titian would have gone mad trying to mix so beautiful a red.

And he would have failed dismally in the attempt.

Color like this was born a hundred years ago in Italy,

suffered through decades of the Piemonte winter,

survived a steerage ocean voyage to America and lived to bloom afresh,

under the rich California sun.

Drink, gentlemen.

It tastes as good as it looks.

Mmm.

It is everything you said, Adrian.

Such a... Such a delicate aftertaste.

Are you bottling it for sale?

Oh, Lord, no.

We only press ten cases a year.

It's as much as I can do to stop myself from drinking the entire crop.

A shame. I know a great many people who would pay a lot of money for it.

The cost would be prohibitive.

I'd rather serve it to my friends and watch their faces...

than sell it to some Texan bumpkin who'll stick it in the freezer...

and bring it out with a homemade chili.

I'm from Texas.

Yes, but you, my dear Falcon, are a connoisseur.

Relax, gentlemen. Help yourselves to a slice of cheese.

I'll be with you in a moment.

I have a superb claret breathing in my office.

What do you think?

He's our man.

Yes, definitely. I can't think of anyone who has done more...

for the wine business than Adrian Carsini.

Then it's settled.

I thought you'd be here.

Only a fanatic works on Sunday.

My dear little brother.

Would you care for a sip of the wine that made Carsini famous?

I'd rather have some wine that made Carsini rich.

Oh, I see. We're gonna have to listen to the same tired old harangue?

Adrian, I need some money.

You know, Ric, you are so remarkably gauche.

It pains me to feel we have the same blood coursing through our veins.

I'm getting married.

Congratulations.

Who is it this time? A waitress or a topless dancer?

She happens to be a very nice girl.

All your wives were.

She's waiting for me at the Casa Rojo, you know, in Acapulco.

We're, uh, we're getting married tomorrow.

I got my bags and scuba gear in the car, but...

But, uh...

I'm embarrassed. I don't have the money for airfare.

You don't have the money for the airfare?

We'll discuss this later.

You know, Adrian,

Papa gave you the cash, but he gave me this property.

Now you've blown the money.

I've let you run this place...

because I thought, well, maybe you can make a go of it.

But, no, no, you're just like he was.

Our father was a good man. A good Italian.

He provided the wine.

My mother was English. She provided the breeding.

Your mother, on the other hand, appears to have been responsible...

for all the coarser sides of your nature.

I'll overlook that remark.

You would be wise to do exactly that. Now, I'm in rather a hurry.

I have three gentlemen in the tasting room who are about to make me...

the Man of the Year in our industry.

There's a rather splendid wine auction in New York City tomorrow...

and I intend to be there.

I'm selling the land.

What?

The Marino Brothers have made me an offer,

and I'm accepting it.

The Marino Brothers?

The Marino Brothers?

The Marino Brothers?

The 69-cents-a-gallon Marino Brothers?

They don't make wine.

They don't even make good mouthwash!

But they make money, huh.

I mean, you snobs can drink your wine, but I want the cash.

To squander on fast cars and faster women?

Don't talk about spending.

You don't know this, but I've kept a complete record...

of all the company money that you spent on wines...

that are so fancy and expensive that you'll never drink them.

At least I know how to have fun with money.

You're an adolescent imbecile, Ric.

Do you think I'm gonna sit by...

and let some muscle-bound hedonist...

throw me out of what is rightfully mine?

Hey.

Don't worry. You'll be taken care of.

I'm sure the Marino Brothers will let you lick...

the labels of their new carbonated rosé.

You think I'm gonna... I... I... I have given...

25 years of my life to this land!

You think I'm gonna let some ignorant Neapolitan...

turn it into a wino heaven?

I don't think you have any choice.

Yes, I do.

Ric.

Ric.

Oh, Mr. Carsini!

Oh. Hello, Karen. I didn't expect you here today.

Well, I had some last-minute things to go over before our trip to New York.

I saw Mr. Ric's car outside. Is he with you?

He was. He, uh, went down to the cooperage department, I think.

Now, no paperwork today.

Today is Sunday. Only a fanatic works on a Sunday.

But, Mr. Carsini...

Well, why don't you go back and pack some more splendid gowns?

We're going to be in New York for a whole week instead of two days.

I... I shall need a... a tuxedo and... and... and several suits.

Oh, yes. Shall I get tickets for some Broadway shows?

Oh, no, no, no, we won't have time for that with all the wine auctions.

You run along now. I'll see you at the airport.

Gentlemen, you are going to adore this one.

I tried a bottle of it two years ago,

but it was still on the uphill side of perfection.

It should be just about right now.

Eh, Falcon, uh, would you do the honors?

Adrian, I'm delighted.

Isn't it a pity that so much of a great wine...

must be lost to the sediment?

Yeah. At least four healthy sips, or two unhealthy swallows.

We, um, we have something to tell you, Adrian.

I thought we'd let you know during the New York trip,

but why wait?

Is... Is there something wrong?

Not at all.

The society has decided to make you...

the Man of the Year.

Oh.

Gentlemen, you honor me beyond my accomplishments.

May our enemies never be as happy as we are at this moment.

I don't know how to thank you, gentlemen, for the honor you've done me.

I can't wait to tell my brother, Ric.

He owns the entire vineyard, you know.

So in a sense, he is as much a recipient of this accolade as I am.

Unfortunately, he's on his way to Acapulco.

I'll tell him as soon as I can.

Ciao.

- Congratulations again, Adrian. - Thank you.

Delightful afternoon.

Okay, don't be late.

Karen, my sweet,

as soon as we land, send a letter to my dear brother, Ric.

He's on his way to the Casa Rojo in Acapulco.

Tell him about the Man of the Year award and...

say I'm looking forward to seeing him on his return in a week or two.

Shall I make it a telegram?

Oh, Lord, no. A letter will suffice.

I dislike sending telegrams, or receiving them.

There's something about a telegram that makes one feel that...

some kind of tragedy has occurred.

Have you got my checkbook with you?

Yes, Mr. Carsini.

Make out a check for $5,000 to my brother.

$5,000?

He's getting married.

It may help to start him off in the right direction.

You're very generous.

What else is money for?

Good breeding. Interesting aftertaste.

But they've left the skins in too long.

I'd say Gewürztraminer, imported, of course. Vintage '69 or...

No, '70. Probably a Château Vérité.

Well, that's incredible. Utterly fantastic.

That's exactly what it is. How in the world did you do it?

Simplicity itself.

While the rest of you were savoring the delicate bouquet,

I was peeking at the label.

Shall we go in, gentlemen, and stimulate the economy?

Quick, Karen.

Come, come, ladies and gentlemen. Here is a noble wine...

bottled the very year that California was annexed to the United States.

You're not buying wine, you're buying a bottle of history.

Shall we start the bidding, say at $1,000?

Do I hear $1,000? Who'll open the bidding at $1,000?

How much have we spent thus far?

$18,000.

I think I really would like that bottle.

Oh, Mr. Carsini, we bought the other wine in case lots.

This will cost more...

Yeah, I... I know, I know, Karen.

It's too expensive to drink, and I can't afford it.

But life is short, Karen. Life is painfully short.

$1,000.

$1,000 I have. That is a fair beginning.

Now, let's have an auction.