TripTank

S01E04 - The Green

Would you like a happy ending to your massage?

Uh... (CHUCKLES) What?

Uh, sure.

- This man is your birth father! - Oh, wow.

Not what I was expecting but, um, this is pretty cool.

- Uh, how are you, sir? - I'm gonna give you a hand job.

S01E04 - The Green

And I was like, "sorry, man.

I just wasted my last miracle on a duck."

All right, guys. I've, uh, got us some more water.

Excellent.

Uh, Jesus, if, uh, you'll do the honors?

Don't mind if I do.

Ding, ding, ding, di...

Oh, (BLEEP) I touched his hand instead.

W-what does...

What does that mean? What did you just do?

I just turned all the water in his body into red wine.

Well, how much water was in his body?

Dude, people are made of, like,

70% water or something.

So... so you just turned 70%

of his biological make-up into wine?

- (GROANS) Y-yes. - Well, (BLEEP) change him back!

- I don't know how! - Well, who does?

- Um, um, Satan maybe? - Then call him!

Right, right. Yup, yup, yup, yup.

He's dead! He's dead.

- Triptank. How can I help you? - I'm very angry at a lot of things,

but you have topped my list, Triptank!

Is that a tank I'm supposed to trip in?

You got some kind of L.S.D. L.C.D. hippy shit goin' on?

I will find you and I will slit every one

of your throats with a smile on my face.

Let me transfer you to that department. Hold, please.

Wouldn't take any of their barbarian bullshit.

I got it, Roy. Don't worry about it.

Donkey-kick that leather diaper-wearin'

King diamond wannabe right into the (BLEEP) next week.

Triptank. How can I help you?

- Dad, come quick! - What is it, son?

It's grandma. She's not breathing!

- I think she's dead! - Oh, dear.

Welp, I guess I've got to book a funeral then.

Aw, I hate boring funerals.

I know, kiddo. I do too, but it's the only way.

Hold it right there!

Are you sick of dreary and bland funerals

- takin' up your entire day? - Boy, am I!

Then come on down to "Pete's extreme funeral parlor!"

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and turn it into a fun-filled extravaganza

to entertain friends and family of the recently deceased.

For just $599, the crematory catapult hurls

your dearly departed through the flaming hoops of death,

then shoots them into the sky,

where they'll explode into ashes,

which will be spread across

- the beautiful, green Earth! - Extreme!

For a ridiculous $799,

we'll open the portal to the Quigon dimension,

where the dead body will be turned

into subatomic particles, which will explode

into separate universes at once, causing a dimensional paradox,

destroying all matter and life as we know it!

Extreme dimensional paradox!

We do it all. Come down for a discounted doozy.

Pick from a wide range of exciting options

of what you think would be the most appropriate and entertaining

way to send your dead loved ones soaring into heaven.

You do want your loved ones to go to heaven, don't you?

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Tiny hippo had a tiny train.

He loved that train...

and they went everywhere together,

laughin' and playin' all throughout their tiny world.

Then one day, tiny raven swooped down

and stole the tiny train.

This made tiny hippo very sad.

But he decided that he would be brave.

So the next day, he walked up the tiny mountain,

crossed through the tiny valley,

climbed up the tiny oak tree,

and shanked tiny raven's tiny bitch ass.

Ain't no one with tiny hippo.

No one.

- Triptank. - I got this song.

I really think it'd be great

for the end of your show each week.

Okay? Kind of a folk-a-delic,

rodeo-core, easy-listening, black metal,

late '60s vibe, recorded by deaf kids from New Guinea.

Pretty sure you'll love it.

Please hold.

Hey, kids!

It's time for "versus"!

Versus!

This week's combatants:

third grade soccer team...

- Great kick, Jimmy! - Thanks!

versus...

Mongolian horde.

Bring it.

Oh.

My face!

Yes! Good teamwork!

Oh, running man, classic.

Huh?

Aah!

You like that? You like that?

I want to leave!

What time did you say it was?

It's the time to be happy!

Third grade soccer team!

'Cause you cheat!

Everyone gets a trophy!

Hello? Triptank.

No, I was calling 'cause I love your show

and I have a little friend here who wants to be on the show.

Can I... can you hear him? He does great voice work.

Scorchy, go ahead.

Isn't he wonderful? Sh... hold on.

He's saying something.

Don't interrupt the little furry (BLEEP).

Oh, my god. Really?

Okay. You know what?

We're gonna pass anyways.

He wants to go to the park and (BLEEP) a dalmatian.

Sorry.

America, welcome back to...

That last round knocked out Carl,

which leaves us with Sharleen and Felipe.

- You ready? - I was born ready, Dickey.

I'm the (BLEEP) whisperer! I can smell it!

All righty, then. Down to our final two contestants

and a chance to play for this week's sexy grand prize.

Stu, tell 'em what it is!

A weekend at the white tail nudist resort in beautiful Kansas City!

Ooh!

All right.

Let's see what Ivana Humpanova has hidden

behind the curtain for this final challenge

of "do you think he can ?"

What a surprise! Yes, yes, y'all!

Stephen Hawking, ladies and gentlemen.

Sharleen and Felipe, you have ten seconds

to decide whether Stephen Hawking

can actually , starting now!

Felipe, we'll start with you.

Stephen Hawking, famed physicist and black hole pioneer...

Do you think he can ?

No, no, no. The junk don't work.

Ooh!

That is a brave choice, Felipe.

Sharleen, what is your answer?

Baste my boobies and call me a turkey.

Yes, he can! Whoo!

Wow. A split decision.

Well, the answer is... Yes!

Stephen Hawking can !

Sharleen, my little trailer trash cutie, you are the winner!

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

- Big bang... - Oh, yeah.

Taste my milky way.

- I can (BLEEP). - Yes!

I can .

Yes, you can, Stephen. Up top!

Oh, that's not gonna happen.

Well, Felipe, you played a hell of a game,

but you won't go home empty-handed, my brother. (CHUCKLES)

Stu, tell 'em what you got.

Felipe, your name will now appear on the national sex offender list.

Ooh! - Congratulations!

Aah, why?

Aw, shit!

You know what that sound means. It's time for the...