Roger Dodger

23.976

What's happening right now is important only in the context...

of our continuing evolution as a species.

Roger, all I'm saying is that I wish my sister would learn to read a subway map.

By saying that, you disregard the primary importance...

of utility in human relationships.

Our ability... Men's ability to read maps...

to navigate, makes us useful.

You should discourage your sister from even looking at a map.

Are you saying that we women have an inferior sense of direction?

Which way is north, Joyce, without looking around?

What?

You heard me. Point north. Quick. North.

Quick. North.

North. North.

- You're right. - Is he right?

- He's right. - Very impressive.

As she has throughout history...

the female responds to the male who displays the most utility.

By honing those skills which make me useful...

I stave off my inevitable obsolescence.

You stay home honing your ability to program a VCR?

My VCR's been flashing 1 2:00 for three years.

What else, Roger?

Oh, driving a standard shift. Lifting heavy things.

- Air guitar. - Yes, yes.

Go ahead and chuckle, okay?

But until women evolve the ability to move objects telepathically...

and they will...

physical strength remains a primary utility.

Here's to brute strength then.

Roger, you're forgetting a very important male utility.

What's that? Barbecuing?

Sex.

Yeah. I want a guy to do more than just program my VCR.

Oh, I'll program your VCR, baby, like you never had it.

It's a top-loader. You thinkyou can handle that?

Interestingly, a group of scientists in England...

just announced their intention to fertilize an egg...

without the use of sperm cells.

I don't understand that.

Every cell in the human body contains a copy of the genome pattern.

The only reason sperm cells have all the fun is that up until now...

they were the only ones with access.

Within Christopher's lifetime, artificial insemination...

will render sperm as useless as an assembly line worker in Detroit.

Luckily, my accountant set up a golden parachute for my sperm years ago.

In case they were downsized.

Just so you know, Roger, you know that we women...

make love because we like it.

- Not just to procreate. - Yes.

- But are men absolutely necessary? - I don't know that.

Think of the structure of the female genitalia.

Wait. Wait. Okay, got it.

What is the most sensitive part of the vagina?

- I can't believe we've gotten into this. - I thinkyou know this, Donovan.

It's the clitoris, first discovered by Renaldus Columbus in 1 559.

He thought it was India.

Oh, no! No!

The crown of the clitoris contains 8,000 nerve fibers.

It's a far great concentration than in any part of the male body...

even our fingertips.

It is the most efficient, pleasure-delivery system...

ever devised by nature.

Now, ask yourself...

why didn't the clitoris end up inside the vagina...

so that intercourse would be naturally...

compellingly, constantly pleasurable for a woman?

- I know the answer. - Yes, Ms. Maynard.

Because in primitive time, women died of childbirth.

So for intercourse to be too pleasurable...

wouldn't make sense from a Darwinian standpoint.

- I'm impressed. - Absolutely right.

- What does that tell us? - Evolution is looking out for us girls?

- Exactly. - That for women...

intercourse and sexual fulfillment were never intended to intersect.

New technology just makes it official.

Future generations ofwomen will evolve clitorises... "clitori, clitorati"...

"Clitorissimo."

that are larger, longer, even more sensitive.

And a woman's ability, as well as her desire to self-stimulate...

will increase exponentially...

as intercourse is robbed of its procreative utility.

- I'm confused and frightened. - You should be.

The species is not static. We're in a constant state of flux.

Two genders has been the default setting for one reason only:

So far it's been the only way to propagate the race.

Is there any species that just has one gender...

that doesn't have male/female?

Starfish, for one.

Next time I see a starfish, I'm gonna tell him to go fuck himself.

Come on. You love it.

No, we don't.

So where are we headed?

Equality? Equality, what is that?

Is that a principle of nature?

We all sit around reading subway maps together.

No. Of course not. Natural selection.

Now that is a principle of nature.

Selection. Something has to lose. Something has to be defeated...

in order for something else to be selected.

So, what does this mean?

We have to take orders from Joyce for the rest of lives.

That's right. I like that.

It means that 1 0 or 1 5 generations from now...

men will be reduced to servitude.

Technology and evolution will have combined...

to exclude sperm from procreation...

and our final destiny will be to lift couches...

and wait for that day when telepathy overcomes gravity...

and our gender's last remaining utility is lost forever.

Forever.

Oh, my God, Roger.

- What? I'm done. - Then I rest my case.

Thank you.

Love you people.

Yeah, this is good.

- Jesus! - No, just me.

How did you get in here?

- Where did you get those? - Copied them from yours.

- When? - Last week when you sent me for bagels.

Give them to me.

Aren't you tired of constantly having to buzz me in here?

See how your brain works? How does once a week turn into "constantly"?

Actually, last week was two times, including, I believe, Friday...

when you woke me out of a dead, pleasant sleep and demanded the use of my body.

- You could have said no. - What? Are you kidding me?

That was a call to action.

I dressed in 30 seconds like a volunteer fireman.

I was insane...

You should stop talking and listen to me. I got something to say to you.

Oh, yeah?

- Words are my stock-in-trade, Joyce. - I know.

You can't just stop up the floodgate.

- Put that down. - What?

- We need to stop this. - Stop what?

God, I love watching you in the bathroom.

You're like an athlete after the game, scraping off the war paint.

I meant, we need to stop seeing each other.

Oh, really?

This whole thing was a bad idea.

Generally, I have good judgment, but this time, right out the window.

This whole thing is a great idea. Nobody knows about us.

We all go out, I sit there and...

you know, a few hours later...

I know I'm going to be the traveling salesman...

and you're going to be the lonely housewife.

I need you to be an adult about this. No scenes.

Joyce, I am your boy. I'm your thoroughbred.

Adult. Understand?

Forget about the keys, okay? Just keep the keys with...

Tonight is our last night, so let's make it a good one.

Good-bye sex is never good.

Next week, we'll have "get back together" sex...

- Can I stay the night? - Roger, no.

Right.

Hi. Can I have a Cosmo and a Maker's Mark on the rocks? Thanks.

- Let's have a talk. - I'm sorry. I'm with some people.

Let me guess.

You're relatively new at the company.

Maybe you moved to New York from somewhere else. Somewhere friendly.

First you took pride in being alone.

Wanna make a name foryourself in the big city.

After a while, you started thinking how it might be nice to meet somebody.

Winter's not far off, and it gets lonely sometimes.

Okay. And?

And so you develop a crush on your supervisor...

even though the other women in the office tell you...

" Keep clear. He's bad news."

- Why is he bad news? - Because he's a player.

He's a guy who collects trophies.

Every woman who takes a job there ends up in bed with him.

And ifyou give in to temptation...

you'll end up the punch line to a sordid joke by the water cooler.

Am I hot or cold?

- It's a good story. - It's a cliche.

So what do you do when you're not reducing the world?

What's wrong with reduction, boiling things down to their essence?

What's wrong with... seeing what's really going on?

And what's really going on? What's the big revelation?

Why should I tell you?

Telling you isn't going to change anything.

For instance, I could tell you that what you think of as your personality...

is nothing but a collection of Van aarticles.

I could tell you your choice of sexual partners this evening...

was decided months ago by some account executive at Young Rubicam.

I could tell you that given a week to study your father...

and the ways in which he ignores you...

I could come up with a schtick you'd be helpless to resist. Helpless.

I could tell you all that, but what would you do with the information?

Are there women who fall for this stuff?

I'm telling the truth as I see it.

You wanna go fuckyour boss? What business is it of mine.

He's not Daddy. He's just a guy in a suit.

You feel compelled to contribute to the pathetic...

heartbreaking predictability of it all, by all means...

- Hi. - Hi.

- You waiting for someone? - Yeah, my fiance.

- Hey, congratulations. - Thanks.

All right. Congratulations.