Pelican Blood

I once went out with a girl and we were both going to kill ourselves.

It turned out one of us wasn't serious.

Oh, man, look at her.

- She's beautiful. - That is one fit bird.

- Can't believe we're going to see one. - From Franco, yeah?

Er... no. Gary Cooper got it from Magee.

OK.

As soon as she's in, I'm out.

Heavenly Father, and your son, Jesus Christ,

you have given us a true faith and a sure hope.

Help us to believe in the communion of saints,

the forgiveness of sins and the resurrection to eternal life,

through your dear son, Jesus Christ, our Lord.

O gracious God, enable us to listen lovingly to your word.

May we console each other with the message you proclaim,

so, finding light in darkness and faith in the midst of doubt,

through Jesus Christ, our Lord, amen.

OK. Let's go.

- Are you sure you want to do this? - Yeah. Why?

- You know, she was your mum... - You heard the man. Let's go. Let's do it.

Show me that picture.

We're coming, baby.

It's up in my heart when it skips a beat

Skips a beat

Can't feel no pavement right under my feet

Under my feet

Up in my lonely room

When I'm dreaming of you

Oh, what can I do?

I still need you, but I don't want you now...

All birders keep lists.

British lists, country lists,

birds fed from the hand list.

My own party piece was a coot on the end of a banana.

200 and you lose beginner status.

300 and there's a few rarities.

Four and, well, I doubt you'd find many of us over four.

We've been set up, boys.

Gary Cooper wouldn't do that.

Gary Cooper?

Gary Cooper, the guy that Bish stole the bins off in the Orkneys?

- Fuck off, I found them. - Yeah, round his neck.

Fuck's sake. Fuck. Fuck!

Five hours, boys.

For fuck's sake.

- Fuckin' hell! What was that? - Stop, stop, stop!

Grab your bins, grab your bins!

- You got it? - Yeah.

- Whoo! - American kestrel!

- Loser. - Erm... We want to be sure.

Just because I don't have expensive books doesn't mean you know more than me.

American kestrel, only two ever seen in the UK.

Aah! Get in there!

Whoo!

Fuck!

Oh, my God!

My God.

Joke is, as soon as a bird goes on your list, it becomes worthless.

Hi.

We thought you weren't even going to turn up to the funeral,

and then you ran off without saying anything.

I needed to be on my own.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to be here right now.

You don't go near your sister. That's the rule.

Can we talk?

- He's not going to apologise, Elaine. - Does being you ever give you a headache?

- If it wasn't for her, you'd be in prison. - Prison or having me sectioned.

Was that a tough call for you, Mike?

Look, you just can't walk in here and expect us to let you stay.

Mum left this place to me and Elaine. All right?

I'm too tired. Just let him stay if he wants.

Welcome home.

What's going on?

Looking for a bird.

- A white-crowned sparrow. - What are you gonna do? Kill it?

No, we just want to look at it.

Why?

It's what we do.

What's the point?

There is no point.

- All right, mate. - Hey, you took your time.

Hello, Cameron. You all right, mate?

Looks like every twat and their brother's gonna come here today.

Let's just hope Gary Cooper shows,

so I can insert these bins in his arse for sending us up that mountain.

I'm gonna insert this in his arse for sending us up that mountain.

- Fancy a coffee? - Yeah.

Ah, I think I've left my wallet in the car, man.

Do you fancy coming with us?

- Yeah, all right. Call me if it turns up, yeah? - Yeah.

Think birdie will show?

- Dunno. - You sure about that one?

I like this. Long life, right?

No, it's to ward off evil spirits.

Come here, pal.

- You shouldn't get your coffee there. - Pardon me?

They don't buy from free traders.

Well, no one else round here does grande mocha frappe orange syrup cappuccino

with extra fuckin' froth, thank you very much,

so the free traders can kiss my Scottish cock.

Nice.

Cameron needs you.

- What? - He wants a word with you.

About what?

Birds? I don't know.

Yes, Cameron?

Er... Yeah.

What's the difference between a white-throated sparrow

and a white-crested sparrow?

A white-throated sparrow has a white throat.

Yeah. Erm... Yeah.

- You again. - What are you drawing?

- Ibis. Where'd you see that? - Venezuela.

- What were you doing there? - I went to find myself.

- Did you? - Not really.

But I didn't look that hard.

You could make money out of drawings like that.

- How much? - First one's free.

So, what are you up to now, then?

- Going to my meeting. - What sort of meeting?

Protect The Badger.

Don't laugh. Badgers have been in this country for thousands of years.

What have they ever done to us?

Yeah, I was told that you should never look one in the eye.

Right. Bye, then.

Wait a sec. What if... What if I want to see you again?

Here's what I have to show for my 22 years.

An intimate knowledge of cleaning products,

and the beginning of housemaid's knee.

We've all got a bit of the obsessive compulsive in us.

Just that I let mine out. A godsend in this job.

(Clap Your Hands Say Yeah: Is This Love?)

I see you're climbing a tree and I know

That it's easier to be up high in the air than on...

I go four times the speed of your average char.

So there's always time to kill.

I got ya.

- (Man) Murderers! - (Police siren)

Why do you want to see falcons?

It's not like we haven't ticked them a million years ago.

- You didn't have to come. - But you're the Zen master twitcher.

- (Bish) Where you go, we follow. - We don't want to miss a thing.

- It doesn't have to be about the tick. - What do you mean?

Say someone saw a jackdaw in Richmond Park. You wouldn't give a fuck.

But say someone saw it in wetlands, you'd want to have a look, yeah?

What, so a list of birds in non-typical environments?

A contextual tick?

I quite like that.

What?

Bloody hell!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Stay where you are.

Come on, back here!

Don't be stupid now.

Control from four-five.

- Four-five from Control. - Erm... Four-five. We've got them.

Four-five. We've got them, fifth floor.

Oi!

- Whoo! - Oi!

Whoooo!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come on.

You again, huh?

Yeah, me.

I can't believe you were going to do it on your own. I thought we had a deal.

- You shouldn't have just left me. - I'd have come back.

You needed to be patient.

That's not even a proper incision. That's a bloody poser's cut.

Fuck off.

I got interrupted.

I must be the only bloke who tried to kill himself

and in the process nearly killed his sister.

What happened?

She came in when I was doing it

and tried to stop me and...

...somehow I managed to hit her brachial artery.

I came to see you.

They wouldn't let me in.

Didn't they tell you?

Why did you come?

- Because I missed you. - So much you went off to South America.

I didn't really have much of a choice, did I?

For some reason, they thought we were a bad influence on each other.

Yeah. I wonder why.

- It wasn't just because of me, was it? - Don't be stupid.

It felt like it was my fault.

So you're still sticking to your plan, then, huh?

Tick 500 birds and then...

That's genius.

Well, that's me. I'm a genius.

So, how many are you on now, bird boy, hmm?

You really want to know?

Mm-hm.

Four hundred and ninety-eight.

Fuck.

Oh, well, better find you two more, then, huh?

- What about you? - What about me?