The Opening Act

Most movies... You ever talk about a movie

with someone that happens to have read the book?

They're always so condescending.

"Oh, the book was much better."

"Oh, really? What I enjoyed about the movie... no reading."

I'm thinking about getting a pet.

I'mma get a dog. You know, that's what I'mma get.

I don't like cats. I don't... Cats don't do anything.

They don't... They don't have any responsibilities.

No, really, come on, you never heard of a guard cat.

Or a bomb-sniffing cat.

Or a seeing-eye cat.

Pop Tarts... Can there be a simpler food item?

Directions on Pop Tarts. Like, if they weren't there,

would somebody, like, put the box down?

"What? I...

How do I get that goodness in me?"

I told my mother when I was 14 I wanted to be a comedian.

And she said, "Oh, maybe it's better if you just die."

I like Italian delis.

There's just no options.

It just says sandwich.

And there's a guy in there cutting the meat.

"It's going to be good."

You know, when you get older, you don't know you older

because the old stuff just happen to you.

Like, you be pouring cereal and your knee will go out.

You'll go, "Oh."

I was bullied when I was a little kid.

I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American.

The biggest problem with that is that I am not Asian-American.

I feel like I'm

a reasonably intelligent human being.

And I'd say it probably took me about six years

to realize that will.i.am

was just William with dots in it.

Anyone else have that same...

I feel like half of you right now are like, "Oh, my God.

It's William with dots in it."

It's the little things we miss.

Emcee: Alright, guys, we're gonna

keep the comedy rolling here.

But just reminder, we got 25-cent wings

for the next 30 minutes

and beer buckets till 10:00.

Next up is one of my favorites here at the open mic.

Put your hands together for Will Chu.

Every time I go to a Chinese restaurant,

this is what all of my friends do to me.

They're like, "Will, Will, order in Mandarin.

It's gonna sound hilarious.

Order in Mandarin, bro. They got to hook it up."

I'm like, "Bro, we're in Panda Express.

Her name tag says Consuela on it.

I don't think that's a Mandarin name.

Like, what do you expect, if I order in Mandarin

some ninja's going to pop up from behind the kitchens

just like, 'Poof, here's your Kung Pao panda penis'"?

You know?

I took this tall girl to a concert, right?

I couldn't see anything, so I was miserable.

I couldn't see anything.

So I just looked up at her. I'm like, "Hey, pick me up."

People are using their phone for everything except as a phone.

You have to text now.

I was okay with emojis because it used to be yellow.

And I was pretty okay with that.

It should just stay that way.

Now they have like five shades of different colors, right?

It's confusing.

I was trying to text my black friend a thumbs up.

I wasn't sure if I should text him my thumbs up

or his thumbs up.

I never texted him back.

Thank you, guys, that's my time. I'm Will Chu.

Keep it going. Yeah.

Good job.

Thank you for waiting it out.

I got some jokes for you.

You ever notice how long a giraffe's neck is?

- Yeah? - Giraffe scarfs.

Sore throats. You use that. It's cute.

I'll... I'll try it out.

Oh, God, I'm full.

Thanks for coming.

- Hey, Quinn. - Dude.

Dude, love your bringer.

What retirement home did you get him from?

It's gotten so bad I have to invite my neighbors.

I'm so sick of asking people to pay to come watch me.

I wish I was doing "The Tonight Show,"

but you gotta keep working to take a bigger shot.

- And here we are. - Emcee: Show him some love.

Watch me destroy.

What's up, what's up, what's up? Make some noise.

Keep it going for Will.

Your bringer didn't pay his tab.

Are you serious?

Yeah. And don't run the light again.

...Asian doctor.

I've never seen an Asian vet.

How was school?

Getting them to dissect frogs was fun.

Getting them to wash their hands was not.

Yo, that's my ranch, right?

Yes.

They asked if you wanted a side of ranch and you said no, right?

Yes.

Then why are you using my ranch?

I knew you would get a side of ranch so I didn't have to.

You are frugal. Like a old Chinese woman.

Speaking of which, I ordered us

the 42-ounce bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Why didn't you just buy four 10-ounce bags?

- How is that a fun Instagram? - Doing it for the Gram.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, I just want to say I really enjoy my time with you.

You make me laugh.

It's nice to know we're moving forward together.

I agree.

Not only are you gorgeous,

but I love that you eat like an eighth grader.

- Comedy Cellar. - Hi. I'm calling

in regards to auditioning to becoming a regular.

You have to have two recommendations

from two existing regulars. Who are they?

- Two existing? - Look, I got to go.

Hello? Hello?

Hey, Gary, can I borrow a pen?

Boom. What's going on with that windshield claim?

I was trying to wrap it up.

Wrong.

Do or do not. There is no...

- T-There is no...? - There is no try.

Try. Yoda. "Empire Strikes Back."

Looking good there, Gary.

Yeah. Getting dirty today. I love it.

I just got a six-car pileup in from Indy.

It's a mess. It's a mess. So that's been expedited,

which means you're getting it expedited.

So I'm going to need these folders ASAP.

Oh, and, Will, remember I want all this stuff

in Times New Roman at 14 point.

I'm trying to get my set ready to audition.

- Right. So, what's your plan? - I don't know.

It's hard to get stage time with no credits.

I've been looking for options other than Mickey's.

There just hasn't been anything.

Sorry, Quinn is texting me.

He's at the open mic and he said it's packed.

It's packed? You should go.

Here you go. Thanks.

Oh, great choice. This is my favorite bear.

It's nice to see someone happy at work.

You know, when I think about my job, the only silver lining

is I can't possibly hang myself in the cubicle.

- Not funny. - Well, I thought about it.

With three walls, you actually can't.

- Hey. - Okay, but all I'm saying

is I don't think my mother and father came here and sacrificed

so I can end up shorting people on insurance claims.

I want to be a working comic.

Basically I look at the road ahead of me right now

and it's in a cubicle selling things

I don't believe in.

I'd rather see my name on the marquee,

something I can get excited about.

And enjoy, you know? Something I'm proud of.

Oh, for an additional $6, you can get this put in.

$6? Does it have Bluetooth?

I tell you, my girlfriend caught me the other day.

Caught me the other... just, you know what, it's just...

She just caught me. I'm secure about it.

You just gotta keep your cool. Just do this, alright?

"You're next, bitch.

You like that? You like that?"

Yes, and ladies, I know it's small.

Joey. Joey.

But it's how the pencil writes, bitch, alright?

Mine can write in cursive, alright? Calligraphy.

Hey. Thank you. So, Quinn wrote my name down earlier.

When can I get on?

Well, I'm not making any promises.

Sometimes I think maybe you light me just a little early.

Well, that's when it's not going well.

That's how you can tell that.

You're going to get a light at two minutes,

and then you're going to get another light.

And the second light means get off the stage.

Can I go up soon?

Keep it going for Quinn, y'all.

Good set, Quinn.

Hey, thanks, pal.

Hey. Oh, that was so good.

Aren't you just the cutest little thing?

Oh, well, this cute little thing is a big bad boy.

With needs that are adult like a careless whisper

- and some booze. - Okay.

Do you boys want to come join us for '80s night at the Tavern?

Oh, want to? Yeah. Dude, we'd love to.