Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Hey, you guys got a sec?

I need to talk to you about something.

Whatever it is can wait, Rosie.

You're gonna want to see this.

Question: What is the number one problem

with the coronavirus?

Mass death, economic collapse,

the way the disease has exposed the systemic injustice

at the core of American life.

Well, yes, obviously those, but after that,

it's how to high-five your friends

while staying six feet apart.

But now the world can stop their worrying

because we have created the COVID five.

With this machine, you can execute

any high five your heart desires.

There's the classic.

Slip me some skin. -

- Sprinkle me. Sprinkle me. - Sprinkle.

- Sprinkle me. - Sprinkle.

The Vulcan scissor.

That's a bad one. - Yeah.

And of course, the need for speed.

Both: Whoo!

Wow. That was impressively stupid.

I know, right?

So what was it you wanted to tell me?

Just wanted to say goodbye.

I turned in my resignation. I quit the force.

What?

Oh!

Dude, that was by far the best five.

You're quitting?

To Sergeant Santiago.

You were on maternity leave longer than expected

because of the pandemic,

but now that all first responders

have been vaccinated,

you've returned.

Cheers. All: Cheers.

Not exactly an emotional welcome back... are you crying?

Oh, he just always knows exactly what to say.

She's consistent.

So, guys, tell me everything that happened while I was gone.

Well, as you know, Hitchcock retired

the very first second he could.

That's right.

I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Why are you always with us on FaceTime?

Because I miss Scully.

He's more present than when he worked here.

It's been a terrible year. - True.

But you know what was rougher?

The hundreds of years of oppression

experienced by Black people in this country,

oppression they still experience to this day.

Why does Charles sound like a podcast?

Oh, because I'm listening to one right now.

It's called "Two Wrongs Makes a White:

Lessons in Anti-Racism."

Yeah, you're lucky you weren't here on Juneteenth.

What the hell?

He went full Schumer.

Cultural appropriation, Amy.

She'll figure it out. - You're the one who did it.

- Mm-hmm. - So where's Rosa?

Thought she'd be here by now.

I'm telling you, she's not coming.

Ever since she quit the force,

she thinks we're just part of the problem.

Oh, she never said that.

She quit after George Floyd was killed

because she thought that she could do more good

by becoming a PI that helps victims of police brutality.

That has nothing to do with us.

Then how come we haven't hung out at all since she quit?

Setting up a new business takes time.

She's probably too busy to see friends.

And yet I have time to see my friends

and be a father and do my job and straight-up crush it

at "Goat Simulator" on my Switch.

That's not something to be proud of.

Being a father is not something to be proud of, Ames?

Wow. You've changed, dude.

Look, all I'm saying is, I promise you

she is not gonna show up tonight.

And if she does, I'll give each of you $1,000 cash.

That's a promise. - Hey, everybody.

Jake's word is not legally binding.

Any promise of cash reward is, of course,

understood as hyperbole.

Rosa! I knew you'd make it.

'Sup, my guy?

- What? - Sorry. It's been a while.

I forgot how we used to greet each other.

Anyway, how's the cool new PI gig going?

Eh, it's not that cool. I have a desk at a WeWork

that I share with a Twitter comedian.

- Oh, fun. - But I'm getting more clients.

I just got a new job this morning.

A woman was assaulted by two police officers

in the Seven-Four.

Oh. Well, that's horrible.

Wait, the Seven-Four. I know the captain there.

She was my sergeant before I transferred to the Nine-Nine.

I could talk to her. She can help.

Nah, I doubt that.

You know, the system can still work sometimes

when good people are involved.

Is that why you want to help,

so you can make some point about policing?

No. I'm not some point maker, shot taker,

making girls hot like oats with Quaker.

Hey, man, you're rapping.

Yeah, I had to see where it was going.

Look, I just want to help out.

Plus, it might be fun to work together again.

I miss seeing you. - Hmm. Okay.

I'm meeting my client tomorrow. I'll text you the details.

Yes. Jake and Rosa are back!

You okay?

Your leg shake is rattling the windows out there.

I'm stressed. It's Captain Holt.

You won't believe what he said to me.

Hello, Santiago. How's your lunch?

Pretty bad, right?

That he politely asked you about your lunch?

It was small talk.

Captain Holt always says

that true friends sit in silence.

Small talk is for...

both: Strangers and con men.

So I'm a stranger now.

This is my big fear about having a child,

losing my spark with my boss.

Amy, he's your captain.

You act like it's some romantic relationship.

You know what, Terry? You're right.

It is like a romantic relationship.

That's what you got from what I said?

Do you still have that relationship book

from when you and Sharon were having issues?

That book was about sex. And it's actually Scully's.

But I bet Scully also ordered some relationship books

when Scully got himself that sex book for Scully.

- Just own the sex book thing. - You want my help or not?

Fine. Can you please get Scully's relationship book

that is obviously not yours?

Weird that you're asking me to do it, but okay.

I'll see what I can do.

Hey, my client's in the conference room,

but before we go in there,

it wasn't easy getting her to agree to talk with a cop,

so don't be too cop-ish. Just be normal.

Got it, normal, not too cop-ish.

Won't be a problem.

Helloooo!

Yeah, this is not gonna work.

Sorry, you just gave me too many notes.

I got in my head. Let me start over, please.

Ms. Fulton, hello. I'm Detective Peralta.

I know you're nervous about talking to a cop,

which I totally get, but rest assured,

I'm one of the good ones.

And I know how that sounds,

but I'm not one of the bad ones

who says they're one of the good ones.

I'm actually one of the good ones

who says they're one of the good ones.

And I know how that sounds...

Does he just keep going

until someone stops him? Both: Yes.

Would you mind telling us what happened

from the beginning? - Sure.

I was walking home from the pharmacy

when two uniformed cops stopped me

and asked me what was in my bag.

I said nothing, just some personal items.

But then they kept bothering me, saying,

well, if it's nothing,

I should have no problem with showing them.

But in my mind I'm like,

why do I need to show them my new loofah?

You don't. It's your loofah.

Thank you, Ms. Diaz. It is my loofah.

Anyways, I said I wanted to go home,

so I tried to walk past them, and they grabbed me.

Suddenly, I'm thrown on the ground

and they're yelling at me to stop resisting,

which I wasn't.

I was just scared.

Then they threw me up against the squad car,

saying they was arresting me for assaulting them.

I'm the one who got the black eye

and bruises all over my body,

but somehow I assaulted them?

Do you remember what time of day it was?

5:45, 6:00.

So right at the end of a shift.

- Which means? - Some officers