31

Hello.

They call me doom-head.

Now, I don't call myself doom-head, mind you, but they do.

Who's they?

Well, some mysterious folks that pay me a whole lot of scratch to do what I do.

And what I do, unfortunately for you...

I do real well.

Now.

Let's get one thing between us straight.

I ain't no fucking clown.

Now Mr. P.T. Barnum may claim clowns are the pegs on which this circus is hung...

But I isn't no fucking clown.

Now you may think you see a grease-painted performer sitting before you

who would usually elicit an amused response from an audience,

but trust me.

You do not.

I'm not here to make you happy.

I'm not here to brighten your dismal day

and I am certainly not here to elicit an amused response.

I am here to end your miserable fucking life.

But first...

Mm.

First,

I'm gonna bless you with a story.

See I don't think the last sound to puncture your ear drums should be

the twang of your body falling apart.

Snap! Oooh.

Crunch.

Interesting fact:

Did you know that a cockroach can live up to 168 hours without a head?

I find this... fascinating.

But what really blows my fucking marbles

like a 50-cent skank,

I mean the real mind-fucker,

is that for several more hours this same decapitated head

will keep on truckin' for Jesus.

If properly nourished, of course.

You know, all in all, you've had a pretty good run.

But, uh, deep down inside you must have known it all had to end somewhere.

Might as well be here. Might as well be now.

And it might as well be with me.

Where's my wife? What did you sick bastards do to my beautiful wife?

She's the mother of our two beautiful girls.

Rebecca, Josephine, they're beautiful, they're just like her, please.

Oh.

I know where she is.

Two little clowns I know took a fancy to her.

So I think she might be sticking around for a bit, huh?

...though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I fear no evil...

Christ almighty, you Jesus freaks are so fucking sensitive, huh?

Shit.

You should be thanking me, man.

I'm sending you straight to the fucking pearly gates with a first-class ticket.

I should apologize in advance for not sharpening this thing.

It might take a couple of extra whacks.

Listen to me. Listen to me, please, I'm begging you. I'm begging you.

You don't have... You don't have to do this.

We can all walk away. Bring Georgina to me.

And you let us walk away, no one would know.

- Fuck it. - No, no.

You know what they say, Kemosabe, in hell,

everybody loves popcorn.

Number fucking two.

Hey Randy, man, I hope you know that "e" stands for "empty." Not "eat."

I am hungry, but that's not possible.

Check it.

Oh, suck my motherfucking balls!

No thanks.

How am I supposed to work with

this inferior goddamn equipment?

Is that what the ladies are calling it now?

Trust me, my doo-Wally's working fine.

Hey, look here boy,

if this monster break down here in the ass of nowhere

you gon' get your lard ass out there and you gon' push

with the bumper up your ass.

Venus, I think it might be time to bring back the girl into a gorilla-lusion.

Oh, you all got a gorilla?

Yeah I got a fucking gorilla,

he's in my pants, I call him king dong.

Whoa, hey, whoa filly.

- I assume you're joking. - I am not.

I mean, haven't we got enough to worry about, without you

framing up a new show?

I mean, besides,

who's gonna hustle this other shit?

You think I want to be a fucking mechanic?

Fixing these death traps the rest of my life?

I mean, I got dreams.

And they do not include yanking some kid's chewed up arm

out of the gears of a tilt-a-whirl.

Baby, I got dreams too. You go for it.

Get the fuck off me.

Hey, baby girl,

I mean, what do you think about that talent back there?

I mean, the one with the lop-sided high beams,

I mean, I don't know, she's either drunk or retarded.

Seriously?

She's gonna twitch and itch her ass all around the mid-way.

Uh-huh, just like all the new babies do.

- But that's why I afraid. - Hmm?

A new wave of crap's coming.

Oh...

So what exactly is the name of this show of yours?

Okay, dig this.

Professor Houldini's mad gorilla monster show.

Ooh, I'd go see that show.

The name's got some grab, but you're still minus one jungle girl.

Oh, I could be a jungle girl, I took a acting class before I left high school.

Just shut the fuck up for two seconds.

That's where Charly girl comes in.

Charly hardly looks like a wild woman of Borneo.

Besides, you know the chi is my main hustle in the girly show.

Okay, we dump the whole Borneo shit, okay? We work a new angle.

The yokels had burnt out on that yarn ten years ago.

What's a yokel?

What's the word on this wacky weed this fine sunny, sunny day, sweet jolly girl?

The Midwest says sweet jolly, she got some sweet rasta shit.

- Boo-ya-ka, boo-ya-ka. - Oh my sweet jolly,

pass your brothers a hit.

Ah, it isn't mine, baby.

Yeah, there boy.

I gotta keep my eyes on the road.

This shit's the real deal.

Think you two can handle it?

I try, I try.

First hit's free.

After that you lay out the green,

before jolly gets too mean.

Shit, warm it up for her.

Mm-hmm.

Levon, I gotta get in there.

- Levon! - Go away!

Hey, it isn't the Levon show.

Go away!

Come on, man.

I just gotta get something out of the... I gotta get...

Oh, god damn man, can't you see I'm busy back here?

Oh, shit, that's a lot of woman.

Yeah, what you want that's so important you got to crash my love den?

You're going to give that man a heart attack.

Tell it again, I don't get it. Who had the cake?

Oh, Christ, bitch, pay attention this time.

There was a boy, named Harold.

Walked in on his grandparents having sex.

Pretty much like this asshole don' walked in on me.

Harold said, "grandma! Whatcha' doing?"

Grandma say, "well, we bakin' a cake.

A few days later, Harold say, "grandma, was you and grandpa baking a cake last night?

Grandma says, "matter of fact, we was. How'd you know?"

Harold say, "because I just licked some frosting off the couch."

I still don't get it.

What frosting? Where'd it come from?

The old man's dick!

The old bastard's jizz was the frosting.

Oh...

Hello Congo, oh how I missed you.

Oh, come on, Roscoe, go get your ass out of here.

- Oh, shit. - I'll get out in a second. What do you think?

- I think it's cute. - It isn't cute.

So do I.

Roscoe get on, get your ass out of here, you gotta go, now, man!

Go on, man! God damn.

- Pull away that thing, oh. - Come here.

Hey, see? It still looks boss. Okay?

- Okay I'll think about it. - I just have to clean it up a little.

I'll think about it, king dong, I'll think about it.

Hey, oldie!

Got any gas today?

It's a cocksucking gas station isn't it?

All right then, fill up this big bitch pronto.

Any of you dumb cunts in that ridiculous machine know how to read?

Or are you still using sign language?

Hey old man, I know how to read.

Then read it and weep, genius.

Back side.

Got a whole lot of lazy eff-ers here in this world, man.

Hi.

You diggin' what you see, pops?

I reckon I do.

Ooh.

You can call me Leo.

Lucky Leo, if you know what I mean.

Oh really? Do you feel lucky?

I got a mattress out back and a couple of jugs of gut-burner.

Hah!

Trust me, Leo.

Your prehistoric ticker couldn't survive the ride. Ha ha ha.

- Whoo! - Charly...

Stop fucking with the locals.

Gimme a break.

I'm just making friends.

You want to be my friend, don't you, Leo?

You know I do.

See? Just making friends.

You've had enough friends for a lifetime.

Nice puppets, Leo.

You play with that stuff?

I bet you do.

The good lord pray me for every day,