Under the Tuscan Sun

Before I start signing these,

I need to thank somebody who's here tonight.

When I had her at State-- That didn't sound right.

I never had her. I wanted her, but never had her.

What I meant was when I took her class.

I had the worst case of writer's block in the world.

All I had were terrible ideas. I hated them all.

I was just about to drop the class

when she said something to me that changed everything.

She said, "Terrible ideas are like playground scapegoats.

Given the right encouragement, they grow up to be geniuses."

She told me to take one, and work on it.

Well, I did.

Frances Mayes, who loves terrible ideas,

may I please French kiss you now?

Go for it, Willie boy!

Married, William. Sorry.

Proud of me?

Ridiculously.

Frances, these are amazing. What did you do?

Chocolate is timing, my friend.

- The rest is magic. - Hey, Professor.

- Where is the wine? - Over there.

Tom is one lucky bastard.

A literary wife who makes brownies.

I swear, if you tell me you cook in the nude,

I'll go home and kill myself.

Never in the nude. Always in a thong.

Actually, if you knew Frances, you'd know these are avoidance.

Thanks.

- How's the novel going? - Not so well.

But the procrastination is coming along fabulously.

Soon it will breed abject self-loathing,

and then I'll just become a writing machine.

What about Tom? How's his book going?

Fine. He's home writing right now.

You know Tom?

I met him recently, sort of by coincidence.

The other coincidence is that you reviewed a book of mine.

I did? Did I like it?

You didn't.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm sure there were a lot of other critics who loved it.

And I really hope you didn't take it personally.

You called my lead character "unrealistic."

I think bad reviews should just be forgotten.

Give him a brownie.

I would like to give you this. It comes in peace.

You said you just couldn't get interested in a novel

where the protagonist was a guy

who spent all of his time living out his horny teenage fantasies.

I just find that ironic.

Ironic. Why?

Ask your husband.

What did he just say?

Frances?

Frances?

I've got some unfortunate news for you.

I just got off the phone with your husband's attorney,

and they're going to pursue alimony.

How can we be talking about alimony

when I hardly make enough money?

But you supported him during the marriage.

Yes.

But while he was researching and writing his book,

I worked while he pretended to be...

Unfortunately, this is just about the math.

He was having an affair.

California's a no-fault state.

His attorney indicated your husband

would prefer an alimony buy-out.

Since you two were living rather modestly,

I don't think the number should be too bad.

They're probably talking about something like $200,000.

I don't have that money.

Unfortunately, you do.

The house?

Its value went through the roof since you bought it.

And renovated it with my mother's money.

Well, it's all community property now.

So he gets half the house and alimony.

There's leeway, and we'll make all the arguments we can.

But there is a bargaining chip. He wants the house.

- He wants to keep living there? - Yeah.

And if you let him have it,

you could end up with a lot of money in your pocket.

I understand he wants it pretty badly.

I'm sorry. This is so surreal.

How would he even find the money to buy me out of my half?

Oh.

Oh.

Wow.

Apparently, she likes the place.

It's near the right schools.

Schools?

She's...

You're gonna get over this.

You will, Frances.

Someday, you're gonna be happy again.

Right.

And the desk?

The desk goes.

No, the desk can stay.

- The couch? - Yes, please.

Wait a minute. No, the sofas can stay.

How about the chairs?

They stay, too.

Actually, everything's going to stay except those boxes.

Those boxes with the books in them.

If you don't mind.

You're sure?

Yeah.

The bedroom?

Nope.

- Kitchen? - No.

So then we're done.

We're done.

You getting a divorce?

It shows?

These are furnished, short-term apartments.

That's who we get.

Your neighbor in 2-B. He's an attorney.

His divorce has been dragging on for three years.

Nice guy.

Gives free legal advice to the other tenants.

If his crying gets on your nerves, just bang on the wall.

- He'll stop. - Sorry.

Guy above you is a doctor. He hands out the sleeping pills.

- What do you do? - I'm a writer.

So you can help the others with their suicide notes.

Wow.

You're one of those funny landlords.

Not really.

Well, here's your keys.

Have a good stay.

Thanks.

Home.

Ta-da!

You start a marriage with cake and champagne.

Finish it that way, too.

The beginning and the end should be fun, fun, fun.

Too bad about those years in the middle.

- Sorry. - Make a wish.

Things got crazy at the hospital.

Hi. You made it in time for the toast.

Bravo. And it only took a year.

- To freedom. - To freedom.

Thanks.

You're not drinking. You're not drinking.

Fifth time was a charm.

Oh, my God!

Patti! When are you due?

- May. - May!

Oh, my God!

I'm going to be an auntie!

I'm going to be an auntie. Yes.

It changes our plans a bit.

Well, of course.

We were about to take a 10-day tour to romantic Tuscany.

But I don't want Patti flying.

Small sacrifice.

We decided to change our coach tickets

into an upgraded ticket for you.

Oh.

This is amazing.

Really generous.

Thank you, but no.

How can you say no to Tuscany?

No. Like that.

That's your depression speaking.

It doesn't speak Italian. It speaks high-school French.

Besides, I'm not depressed anymore.

Then what are you still doing living with those losers?

- Those are my people. - That's not a place you live.

Guys, come on.

Thank you so much.

But there is no way I can go on a romantic tour of Tuscany.

- I'm not ready to meet anyone. - You won't.

- We can assure you. - Oh?

It's a gay tour of romantic Tuscany.

So it would be very relaxing for you.

You know, mostly couples.

No one would be there to hit on you.

And you could concentrate and listen to your own inner voice.

My inner voice?

My inner voice that would be saying,

"What am I doing on a gay tour of Tuscany?"

Frances, it's Italy! Italy.

Plus, you could use it as a time to start writing.

Well, I'm busy. I have to review all those books.

Instead of working on your own book.

Wow.

Are you being mean or just hormonal?

Okay. Don't kill each other until I get back.

Can we please just talk about the baby?

I think you're in danger.

Of?

Of never recovering.

You know when you come across one of those empty-shell people?

And you think, "What the hell happened to you?"