Ben and Kate

Oh, college, huh?

The big 'C'. People don't say that.

'C' town. No.

'C' word. That means something completely different.

Yeah, it sounded bad when it came out of my mouth.

Why did you quit college the first time? Was it because of me?

No, babe. No.

You guys picking some classes there?

Yeah, but the only classes we can take together

are conversational French and ethics. Ethics? Give me a break.

What do you know about ethics? There's not much to know.

I raised myself right and my morale compass always point due north.

Orphan steals bread, I let him get away with it,

as long as it's not hurting others.

You two are bitten by snakes but I only have one antidote,

I give it to Maddie. Sorry, Kate, children are our future.

Somebody gives me a time machine, I don't use it. Why?

My name's not "God".

I had no idea your girlfriend was such a handywoman.

Neither did I.

She's full of surprises, like a sexy blonde pinata.

Hey, speaking of surprises, so it's Vera and I's two month anniversary.

The traditional gift is a handmade card written at the last minute.

You know, maybe with some sex coupons thrown in.

But I really want to do something more romantic.

Why don't you take her on a sunset cruise around the harbour?

Boats?

I hate boats. Boats are the worst. Really?

I had no idea you felt so strongly and so negatively about boats.

They remind me of Florida, which really bums me out.

You hate Florida too? But it's the Sunshine State.

You don't hate sunshine, do you?

Yeah. What?

Look at all these young men.

Oh, these young, virile men.

That's not... How about pulling an all-nighter with him?

No, no, no. Not doing that. The first time that I was in college,

I focused on all the wrong things. And by things, I mean boys.

And by boys, I mean Tyler and... six months later, I was a dropout,

so I'm not going to let history repeat itself.

He's looking at you.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Ethics 101.

Ethics is the foundation of everything we do

as active participants in a society. See?

Bet you wouldn't mind actively participating in his society.

Stop it. I'm trying to pay attention. Kate, we are in college,

this is the inspiration for college-themed pornography.

Now I'm stuck in a relationship with Buddy,

I need to vicariously live through you.

As long as you're willing

to vicariously highlight some textbook passages, then great.

I'd like to see you vicariously highlight his passage.

No, I didn't see that

Yeah. It didn't make any sense at all.

It did. Or it's extremely dirty.

OK, I'm sorry, ladies.

You two are speaking in full voice.

Exactly.

To demonstrate an ethical quandry. Class dismissed.

OK, Champagne.

Flowers. Hey. Ben?

What is all this? This, my dear, is for our anniversary.

To a wonderful two months.

What are we, teenagers?

We don't have to celebrate this kind of thing. And what are you wearing?

It's the shirt from the day we met.

I'm embarrassed to say that I don't remember what you were wearing

but that speaks to an underlying narcissism on my part.

I just had no idea you were taking this so seriously.

What do you mean?

I just thought it was more of a casually kind of thing.

Casual? What, like I'm a restaurant that you can wear jeans to?

Or I'm a word that you're too lazy to finish?

You know, like "totes", or "what-evs".

Because that's ridic'.

Vera, we need you. Coming.

Ben, we'll talk later. Hey, nice flowers.

My girlfriend gave them to me.

What? What-ev!

But in ethics, we're taking a step back to reflect on morality.

OK, I'm right in the middle of a lecture

but it seems like a totally natural time to get up and leave.

But I'd like to quickly invite all of you

to a reading I'm doing at the campus bookstore this evening.

I know you're all very busy, but please feel free to stop by.

Hey. College... Hi.

It's pretty crazy, huh?

Yeah, it's, like, totally crazy.

You want to maybe get together tonight? Talk about how crazy it is.

No. I don't.

Erm... I can't. Why not?

I'm, like, super into college and stuff,

which is why I'm going to that reading tonight.

The bookstore? My bookstore? To the reading?

I mean, you know, it happens all the time.

There's always people... students at the reading. It's a packed house.

Yeah, so I have to go there. Bye.

What's crazy is it all comes back to that one question.

You know, can something be good if it's not good for everyone?

Yeah, and who decides? Right.

And then you add religion into the mix, not to mention government,

and tyranny, despotism. Oh, despots. I had despots.

Despots are the worst. And war! War. Yeah. Exactly.

This is the most interesting conversation I've had

in a very long time, but to be fair, I do work at a bar named after a dog.

So...

Well, this is a real treat for me too.

Most undergrads aren't this engaged and interesting.

They... They're usually more like this guy over there.

What, is the stealing the rose? I don't know.

Doesn't he know that that's free? Come on, look at him, he's young.

God knows I didn't do college right the first time.

Yeah, me neither.

But honestly, I've been thinking about what I've missed out on

for the past seven years, and it's this.

It's all of this, it's talking about ideas

and having real conversations that mean something.

And that anything can happen.

You... You're my professor.

Mmm. Is this ethical? Don't over-think it.

OK.

BJ, I am in a relationship with a total stranger.

No...

Is that her over there?

Does Lyla know? That is Lyla.

Gosh, you've got a type, haven't you?

What do you mean? That's Lyla. That's Lyla.

Yeah, I know.

She looks like the other girl Lyla you're dating.

Other... Oh, Tommy, I'm really sorry,

I've got to take this. It's Buddy. He likes to video-chat

when we've been apart for too long. Oh, that's sweet.

Sometimes he even points the camera at his face.

OK, I'm going to go.

Hi. Hey, BJ. What's going on?

Just working. What's up with you? Why are you so sweaty, huh?

Er... I had sex with my ex wife.

Shut up. Yeah, twice.

But it's not my fault. I came by the house

and she was selling all my stuff. And guess what?

She sold my nude self-portrait for a dollar.

Yeah. So I got mad and we got into a fight

and you know how crazy I get fighting with women.

Yeah, that's...

Yeah. That's fine.

You're not mad? No.

It's...

Whatever, it's totally fine, because...

we're not married, so whatever.

Wow. Wow.

God, you're great.

Where's Kate? I need to talk to her.

Have you been crying? No.

Have you been watching romantic comedies like a girl?

No, I don't...

This was just on.

I don't even know where the remote is. Right.

It's a TV movie called The Garden Inside Of Us.

Oh. It's about this...

this lovely horticulturalist.

And she can grow flowers, like, all over the world.

These beautiful, beautiful roses.

But...

nothing grows in here.

So that's the...

Wait, maybe Vera has a point.

What happened? I don't want to talk about it.

All right. What do you need Kate for?

I don't want to talk about it. Vera basically called me a girl.

Buddy slept with another woman.

Hello, Professor. Miss Fox.

What brings you off-campus?

I figured I'd check in on my favourite student.

Maybe drop off a little required reading material.

Oh, really?

Well, I have some... material that you're required to read...

Oh, that's a real book. Yes.

I can't believe Buddy did that.

Vera's no better, Ben. No--

I mean, who does she think she is? I don't know.

And it's always on her terms,

that's the thing. Obviously.

She calls and it's like, "Oh, Ben, ride over my house.

Come over at two in the morning. Get on your bike." Oh, no.

I'm like, why should I get on my bike?

I have a car. Yeah.

And she's like, "Cos I want you all hot and sweaty."

And it's like, I get it, I'm ripped

and when I'm sweaty, I look fantastic, but still,

I have to go through a really bad neighbourhood to get there.

Right.

And she's like, "Well, I want the smell of fear on you."

And it's like, I get it. Yeah.

I'm incredibly attractive when I'm terrified. But still, come on.

I put my heart out there and then she just stomps all over it.

It's kind of like with me and Buddy how he's always saying to me

how he wants this pan-sexual relationship.

Pan-sexual... I don't even understand what that is. Yeah.

But I totally get it. And I'm like, fine.

OK, I can do that, I will wake him up in the middle of the night,