Local Legends

- And when I started Laugh Free or Die,

this next comic was there,

and he was there for a long time.

He's one of the funniest guys around.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together for Mr. Matt Farley.

Feeling really good tonight.

Thanks for coming out.

Had to break up with my girlfriend,

because we have nothing in common.

She really liked me and I hate myself.

If my last name was Talk,

I would name my son Lester.

And then he'd become a DJ on the radio,

and he'd say, you're listening to more music with Les Talk.

Thank you.

I recently got a kitchen counter.

It's because I have so many kitchens,

sometimes I lose track.

I have a friend,

he works in a factory that produces traffic lights.

You know, red, yellow, and green traffic lights,

and one day I was driving,

and he was in the passenger seat,

and the light was yellow and it turned red,

so I stopped.

And he turned to me and he said,

"Dude, I could've made that light."

When I was a kid, I had trouble reading,

and so my parents brought me to the doctor,

and the doctor gave me reading glasses.

And it kinda helped, but I was still having trouble,

so they brought me back to the doctor,

and said, "Doctor, he's still having trouble,

"what could it be?"

And the doctor said, "Your son is stupid."

A friend of mine was getting ready for a big date.

So he sprayed cologne all over himself.

And he came up to me and he said, "How do I smell?"

And I said, "By breathing in through your nose."

But I'm very happy to report that I recently

won the heart of a beautiful woman.

That's right.

It was part of a charity auction at the hospital.

The guy next to me won her spleen.

I went to the dentist the other day

for a routine cleaning.

Don't you hate going to the dentist?

That's the worst, seriously.

The worst part about it is after the hygienist

is done cleaning your teeth,

and then the dentist comes in,

and he's gotta check each tooth

by licking it with his tongue.

Don't you hate that part?

In the land of the talking alphabet,

all of the letters were talking

at a reasonable level, except for the F.

The F was talking so loudly,

that the H turned to the G and said,

"Will you shut the F up?"

Sorry.

I don't if you're up to date with the news,

but have you heard about this guy

who's riding a street sweeper

from Massachusetts to California?

I'm surprised you guys haven't heard about it,

because it's sweeping the nation.

Alright, I'm running low on time.

I don't think I'm gonna have time

to do my jump rope joke, so skip it.

Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna have time

for the memory joke, either.

Just forget it.

And lastly, I'm gonna perform a song for you guys

in a second.

This is a beautiful song.

It's by my band called The Toilet Bowl Cleaners.

We do nothing but songs about poop.

And we have this album

called Celebrities Fart And Poop Just Like You And Me.

Alright, this is called, Scarlett Johansson Farts.

Download it when you get home off iTunes, everybody.

Thank you.

Matt Farley, everybody.

How about it for Matt Farley?

- Your music kinda reminds me of Billy Joel.

I mean that as a compliment.

Oh, I take it as a compliment.

I have every one of his albums.

No way, I do, too.

I love that Italian restaurant song.

- Oh yeah, Billy's and underappreciated songwriter.

He gets no respect.

And now that I think about it,

I don't have all of his live albums,

but I have all the studio albums.

Well I have all of them

and I live right around the corner.

Come on, I'll show you.

Okay.

I've seen Greatest Hits One, Two, and Three,

but that's all I see for Billy Joel here.

Yep, that's it.

- Well that's not the entire Billy Joel catalog.

- I don't know, I just figured that was all of his stuff.

You can't have the Greatest Hits

if you don't have an original album

that the hits are on.

I mean, he's got Turnstiles, Nylon Curtain,

Innocent Man, The Stranger.

He had like 12 albums.

- I guess I'll have to check those out sometime.

Here, have some wine.

Oh, no, that's okay.

I gotta get going, have a good one.

She didn't even have River of Dreams or Storm Front.

I mean, I was suspicious when she told me

she had the whole catalog,

but I figured she's gotta have those two albums.

Does she really believe that Billy

only releases greatest hits?

- You know, it was probably just a lame excuse

to invite you over, right?

Yeah yeah, I know, I know.

She wanted to kiss me.

But it's so ridiculous.

I'm supposed to kiss this girl that I've just met

because she likes my song,

and she claims to have the entire Billy Joel catalog?

Yes.

That's what society expects of us in these situations.

- She either believes that Billy Joel only has three albums,

or she willfully lied to trick me

into coming into her lair.

Either way, I am not impressed.

Not impressed.

Oh and she had wine for me.

Wine, I mean.

Do people drink wine?

Most people.

If she had come into that room

with a couple of glasses of coffee milk,

then I would've respected her.

I would forgive her of the Billy Joel discrepancy

because of the coffee milk.

Coffee milk?

State drink of Rhode Island.

Alright, let's get to work.

What are we doing here?

- Well I made this video for my other animal songs,

and it increased sales,

so I'm thinking we can do one for the goldfish,

and it might increase sales of that one, too.

- From one song a year to two songs a year?

I'll take it.

So what we're gonna do is,

I'm just gonna point the camera here,

you stand there with your guitar,

I'll stand next to you, I'll lip sync.

We'll dance around, it'll take five minutes.

- Okay. - Let's do this.