The League

Babe?

Mm-hmm. What?

You always focus on the left breast, you ignore the right

breast, and then you move on.

Are you accusing me of breast favoritism?

Is there something wrong with my right breast?

No, it's fantastic, so... Okay, so why don't you pay attention to both of them?

I guess I have kind of my routine, like, you know... Can't you just improvise?

All right, I will improvise a bit.

What if we tried, like, where you're, like, a French courtesan

from the 19th century who loves to give blow jibbers?

How about I pretend to be a nun?

All right, we'll just do, like, a little spoon and slip.

And... scene.

So, sue me. I have a routine.

Mm-hmm.

We all have a routine in bed.

Of course.

I like to count off-- one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four.

It's like a sexual fox-trot.

You have a play that works, you keep running that

play until you get stopped.

And she stopped me, and I don't know what to do.

I mean, I love her breasts.

I would make a statue to them.

They're perfect.

Actually, a lot of guys are doing that now-- making

statues of their wives.

So if I made a statue of Sofia's naked body, maybe I

could, like, give it to her for Christmas.

If you're serious about it, I have a mold guy.

Is he the guy who did The Dre?

Uh, no. He moved to Taiwan.

Yeah, should have done it before baby Jeffrey was born.

Yeah, her breasts were great back then.

Okay, can we just stop talking about breasts and sex?

I'm sorry.

Are we offending you?

Just, I'm very frustrated right now.

We have water damage in our house, and Ellie's room's under

construction, so she's been spending nights in our room.

I am counting the days till we can just paint the room and get

her back into her own place.

Just be careful of the paint you use.

Why?

Because I am currently representing a cheap paint company whose cans allegedly

explode.

Just out of curiosity, what is your defense?

Well, if you are purchasing something that is half the price

of your competitors, then there is a reasonable expectation that

that product will explode in your face.

And morally, you're good with this?

There was just one word in there that I am not familiar with.

That one.

No, it's too dark.

This one.

No. She said she wants cinnamon.

None of these are really cinnamon.

She wants a color that does not exist on this color wheel.

Yes, exactly.

Tell her that cinnamon only exists in spice racks and strip clubs, that's it.

Well, I think we're gonna have to go custom.

Custom? I don't want to spend more time.

I want our daughter to be in her room in her bed so that when you

and I are in our bed, we can do the recreational activities that we like to do.

I don't want you to get frustrated.

I mean, what are we gonna do about this, babe?

I don't know.

She's outside playing right now.

Want to do a little recreation?

Mm-hmm.

I like this.

Yeah, you do?

Yeah.

What are you guys doing in my bedroom?

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

Hi... sweetie.

Honestly, I was looking for zipper fairies... Yes.

...in Daddy's zipper.

What are zipper fairies?

Uh, fairies that hide in your zipper and get it stuck, and

Mommy was just trying to get them all out.

Yeah.

Did you get all the zipper fairies out?

No, I didn't.

No, no, she did not, sadly.

Um, I found these in your bathroom.

I don't exactly know what they are.

Ooh.

Oh... I... No, too soon, too soon.

It's too soon.

They... They're stickers.

Sticklers?

They're underwear stickers.

Underwear stickers?

Underwear stickers!

Oh, here, check this out.

Okay.

What do you think of that one? Yeah!

That one looks like doggie doody.

I don't know what you're looking for.

Cinnamon.

You said I could pick, and I choose cinnamon.

Oh, I guess we'll just have to forge on and get rid of these fairies.

Well, I have to go get my underwear stickers back, so you

are left to hunt for fairies on your own.

Oh.

Sorry.

Well, start packing your bags, fairies, 'cause yoguys

are going home to a tube sock.

Sofia is now bugging out about the body image stuff, and I'm, like... Mm-hmm.

..."You have a beautiful body. I don't know how to tell you."

I feel like the statue's the thing to do.

What is this?

What is this thing?

It's a breast implant.

This is a breast implant?

Yes.

This is awesome.

It's like a stress ball.

It's actually quite helpful.

It's like a stress plant.

A stress plant. I like that.

I don't know why woman don't just grab onto their own

whenever they're stressed out.

You know, if you want to keep it, take it.

I got tons of 'em.

It's just a sample.

Great. Thank you.

All right, so what do we need to do to get the statue thing done?

It needs to be a surprise.

If you want it to be a surprise, just get me a picture

of her, I'll give it to my guy, and he can work off of that.

That's all you need is a picture?

Yeah.

Wow. Why do you have a topless photo of your wife in your jacket?

Will that work?

Yes, sure, my God.

Whoa! Sofia boobs.

Let me see that.

What's going on here?

Absolutely not.

How did you get that picture?

I went on vacation with her for our honeymoon to Europe, and

I convinced her to go topless for a few hours.

I grabbed a few photos, told her I erased the tall, kept one of 'em.

But the question remains, why do you keep it in your jacket pocket?

For personal use.

Oh, no.

No, you don't.

You do not masturbate to a photo of your own wife.

Out of everyone in your life, you picked the only person you

can actually have sex with.

What?

I'm not allowed to have porn in my house, and my roster

sucks, so I need some material.

That's like if a serial killer wrote a romance novel, he

would jerk off to his wife.

Extended family, sure.

Like your aunt or something-- fine.

Your aunt?

Excuse me?

She's not really my aunt.

I mean, we call her Aunt Kiki, but she's more like a cousin.

Kiki.

She used to be a boat show model.

Oh, my goodness.

What is this? Toro Tails.

Hmm.

Really?

Why do you have our high school newspaper?

I just donated some money there, and they put me on the

mailing list.

Why would you give money to the school?

You hated high school.

No, I didn't.

I loved high school.

High school was my jam.

We shat all over you in high school.

I know, but you guys said that was all in good fun.

That's what we made you tell the principal.

Since I gave that donation, the school wants to do a little

ceremony to honor me, so they want some pictures, so what do

you think?

So the message you want to send is that it's okay to be

second best?

Is that it?

Oh, no, I didn't... I, on the other hand-- still number one.

Pete Eckhart-- pole vault record, baby. Boom.

Barely, though.

Look at that.

Oh, you know what?

Let me find out where this principal's office is.

Hey, excuse me, um... Hi. Yeah.

Carmanjello, um, where's the principal's office?

What?

No. It's been forever since I've been here.

I just... I totally forgot.

Oh, my God.

Did you just call me Carmanjello?