Crossing the Bridge

This was me. I got better lookin' with age.

That's somethin' you're gonna have to trust me on.

I'm twenty-one here.

Just six months before this I had sex for only the third time in my life.

If you look close, you can still see me smiling.

Danny Morgan, the coolest guy I ever knew.

I idolized this guy for so long.

Every high school in every city had one,

the football star that got all the girls.

Danny was ours and my life was somehow better off...

Just by being his friend.

Tim Reese. Even looking at his image years later,

I'm tempted to whisper because I don't want him to hit me.

He's the kind of guy who would out of nowhere...

Even if he just thought you were thinkin' something bad about him.

What was that for?

I don't know. I'll think of something.

This is the "war wagon,"

the big, blue bomb of a buick that each of us claimed was legally ours,

yet none of us even bothered to register.

To the guys I grew up with, this was an infamous party car,

a legend in its own neighborhood.

The ambassador, the main link over the Detroit river...

Connecting Canada and America.

We crossed over this thing many, many times, Danny, Tim and I.

In high school, we would go to Canadian strip joints...

That would secretly serve minors their house beer.

But this wasn't high school. This was three years later.

And this isn't about just any night.

This is about a night when the ambassador became more than a border,

more than a mere highway over a river,

a night that I'll never forget as long as I live.

These are the tales of the war wagon,

and this is the story of the bridge.

Mort! Wake up! It's almost noon.

I don't work 'til 4:00, ma.

Let's go. Time to get up.

So, where were you last night? Just hangin'.

With Danny and Tim?

Yeah, mom.

How come you don't talk to me?

You used to tell me what you were doin'.

I never told you what I was doin', mom.

That's right. You're just like your father.

The bastard!

So, have you gotten any mail at the store lately?

Mail? No, why?

I applied for a scholarship for you to state.

I gave 'em your home and your work and I haven't heard, so I thought maybe...

are you gonna start with college again?

I told you, I have no interest in going to college, none.

So just drop it, all right?

You're so much like your father.

You shouldn't smoke.

At least buy your own.

Go!

I'm telling you, they're midgets.

For high school guys, they're fast.

They're not fast.

They're tiny. It makes them look fast.

We never looked that little, that's for sure.

These guys are like... what are those little guys on "gulliver's travelling"?

"Gulliver's travels," Tim. And they're called lilliputians.

Yeah, lilliputians stunk.

Lilliputians!

Anyone want to head to the clearing?

- Fuck the clearing. - Screw the clearing, man.

I got a couple of six-packs in the car.

- I kinda miss the clearing. - Clearing sounds great to me.

Let's go.

So, what happened? You, you wash out at eastern?

Just got tired of football.

It wasn't fun anymore, know what I mean?

He quit after two days. Eventually he's gonna go back and finish out the whole week.

Let's hope that's not supposed to be funny, mort.

You gonna be a dick all your life?

What the hell? Still got the war wagon, right?

Yeah, still got the w.W.

Boy, if that car could talk...

he... hey, you guys oughta use it to make some dough.

What do you mean?

You guys go into Canada every now and then, right?

To the strip joints and stuff?

Yeah, so?

Well, the thing is,

If one of you ever wanted to do a run up to Toronto for me...

And bring back some hash across the bridge,

you could make some nice change.

How much?

About nine grand.

It's worth nine grand to you?

Supply and demand.

Yeah, what if you get caught?

You won't get caught. It's easy.

You just hide it in the spare tire.

Besides, it's just hash.

Worse comes to worse, they take it away from you and let you go.

That's good.

If it's so easy to do, how come you don't just do it yourself?

The border guards know me by now.

I've been back and forth thousands of times.

Beats pumpin' gas!

Mull it over.

Besides, nothin' like a little border-hoppin' to get the ol' game juices flowin'.

John?

I-is it a bad sign when smoke's comin' out of your fingernails?

Hey, you're just in time. I need twenty bucks. What are you talkin' about?

Twenty bucks! I bet these three little high school pussy midgets...

I could take them all on at once. Give me the money.

Come on, twenty bucks, man.

- All right. - Yeah!

I want you first, Sonny boy. Come on. Ho, ho, hey, ho, ho!

I'm in for twenty bucks.

- Smart move. - On them.

You're betting on them? Yeah.

Dick!

Hey, they're in good shape. You get up at noon.

It's found money.

That's it, bet's off. Give 'em their money back.

You've seen me take three guys on before. You know I can do it.

Yeah! Maybe.

Wanna get drunk?

Come on, let's fight him, kid.

Come on, man. Give him a fight. This isn't personal.

- Get off that! - Fuck you! Fuck!

You're gettin' hot!

Shit! Piece of shit! Shit!

That's enough! That's enough!

Should we cruise woodward?

Unless you wanna stop and beat someone up along the way, yeah.

You really are a very sick, little puppy.

You know that, Tim? I know I am.

You know I'm sick. Somebody oughta just...

Take me out back, shoot me, and do the whole community a big favor.

Mort! Some friends of yours are here.

Wake up, mort. Let's go, pal. Mud bowl time.

Mud bowl?

I'm tired, guys. Come on!

First time he's been out of the house before noon in a year.

It's mud bowl. I love you boys.

Mud bowl! Mud bowl! Mud bowl! Mud bowl!

Mud bowl! Mud bowl! Mud bowl! Mud bowl!

Mud bowl! Mud bowl! Mud bowl! Mud bowl!

I'm too tired to play football!

You guys'll hurt me. I'm a pussy, remember?

Mud bowl!

My God! It's smilin' Jack Harper, man.

Back from college for mud bowl. Unbelievable!

He's in a suit. The poor fucker's in a suit.

Hey, nice suit, smilin'. What are you, a fed now?

What's the deal, harps? You're not playing?

I got an interview over at g.M., products flow division.

If you were half a man, you'd play. Yeah.

Let me ask you boys a question.

Which do you think is more important?

Smilin' Jack gettin' this job at g.M.?

No!

Or playin' in this here mud bowl!

Don't do it, come on, man.

Don't do it? Come on, Danny. Jesus, I got a meetin'.

Harper has the ball. He's comin' down the field. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone, Tim. He's at the ten!

Then Reese comes out of the blue!

He's at the five! The two!

Reese... Stops him at the one!

Look at this! You look great, Jack.

I got a meeting. Didn't you hear me? No, not really.

- Doesn't that mean anything to you guys? - No, not a thing!

What's the meaning, Jack?

Danny.

Catch.

Get him, Tim! Get him!

Let's play ball!

Yessiree! One hell of a good mud bowl!

So then what'd you do? Did you hit him?

No, I didn't hit him. I just let him finish yellin' at me.

Poor, misguided fool!

You've been there, mort? You actually seen him hit his dad?

Danny has too, right on his front lawn.

Your dad, he looks like Uncle fester in a certain light. Has anyone ever told you that?

Hey, Tim, what, are you deaf?

Don't touch the tools. How many times I gotta say it?

Egghead's touchy about the tools. Speakin' of goofy, rinny,

your older sister, fern, does she brush her teeth?

She smiled at me once and I swear, I couldn't use my dick for like a year.

Hey, trace, how's it goin'? I'm doin' fine. How's your mom?

- She's gettin' by. - Tell her, "hi."

She wants you, Marty. She wants you.

She's a little older than you, but what the hell. It's not like you can afford to be picky.

What are you talking about? Mort likes older women.

Mort likes anyone who'll look at him. It's true.

I once had sex with a 75-year-old woman.

I felt like I was robbing the grave.

- Not funny. - Definitely not funny.

Is that a new one, mort, because it sucks?

It's not a big deal, Tim. It was an ad lib. It was off the cuff.

Yeah? Well how much do you get for a joke like that?

Hey, numbnuts, don't touch the tools!

You want it in English?

Don't... Touch... The... Tools.