Columbo

I looked over Jordan and what did I see

Coming for to carry me home

A band of angels coming after me

Coming for to carry me home

Yankee Doodle went to town A-riding on a pony

Put a feather in his cap and called it macaroni

In a cavern, In a canyon

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his daughter Clementine

15-12, I've got a siren.

15-14, meet me on Tech 2.

Roger, go ahead 15-12.

I'm at Riverside and Laurel.

My ETA is one minute.

Proceed to Magnolia and Hollywood Way. Stay on Tech 2.

15-14 I've got a reckless driver in front of me...

approaching the intersection.

Roger 15-12. I am eastbound on Magnolia from Riverside.

He's driving a white or a gray early model...

Look out!

I think I hurt my neck.

Where are the gun effects?

Bring 'em up, fellas.

Looking for it.

The music's too big.

Okay, now, when he gets into the alley,

what I want to hear is just the pulse track on the music.

Let's take it from the top. Okay, John?

Everything's okay with me. I'm just the producer.

Going back, Allen.

Kay, you're a very busy lady.

Why don't you get out of the grease pit and let me dub the film?

Because you boys at the studio get to have all the fun.

While we, over at the network,

all we get to do is pay for these pictures...

and try to let you know what we want and how we want it.

How's that for a massage?

So how's the picture look?

Getting there. Like pulling teeth.

Hmm.

- Lunch? - Mmm-hmm. Shrimp Salad.

Peace. He in?

Yeah, meeting.

But New York is getting a little anxious.

Do you really have to tell me that?

- Gentlemen. - Kay.

Hello.

Let me worry about New York.

Clay Gardner, what's he really gonna cost us?

Henry, did you check his agent out?

You want a price on Clay Gardner? His agent just smiles and smiles.

Did you see the final dub?

Don't we wish. At that studio, another three days.

Let me put it this way.

Can I show The Professional to the New York bunch,

and will I want to?

Yes, you can show it and yes, you will want to.

You heard that Kay Freestone guarantees a 40 share.

Okay, friends, thank you much.

Jonathan, fill me in.

I ran the network demographics on the six Clay Gardner movies.

Believe it or not, his strongest appeal...

Yes, Madge.

Mr. Flanagan in New York, on three.

Hello, Mark.

Hello, Frank, how are you? How's that great New York weather?

Well, how do you think? It's still snowing.

I hate to tell you this but I went sailing yesterday.

Mark, how tough would it be to give up sailing in the winter?

What did you have in mind, Frank?

New York.

For how long?

Long as you want. Forever.

It'll be out Tuesday, definite.

Hated California It's cold and it's damp

Hey! Breakfast!

Happy Sunday.

Well, Saturday wasn't too shabby.

You can read me the funnies.

Frank Flanagan called. I got New York.

The whole damn network.

Baby, we did it, we did it, we did it.

When do we leave?

I want you to stay here, Kay.

Your job!

You are giving me the job?

What's going on here?

I can't give you the West Coast, babe.

Well, now.

I thought I'd earned something.

At what you do, Kay, you're the best there is.

You're the very best.

But you don't make decisions.

You make guesses. There's a difference.

Guesses just aren't good enough.

But you'll learn.

Right.

Right.

I'm learning already.

Don't make it any tougher than it is.

Poor baby. Here I am worrying about myself.

Poor, precious Mark suffering through the awful truth.

Farewell, my dearest, the time has come.

Great secret lovers.

Super corporate team.

But onward and upward.

Whoop-dee-doo.

Kay in the end all we really owe each other is...

a little bit of affection.

Nobody was keeping tabs, were they?

So much for overtime, so much for double time,

so much for playtime.

Kay.

You wanna sue me?

Shoot me? That make you feel better?

Right through the heart. Make me a perfect murder, babe.

Kay.

You were supposed to find these out there.

A 450SL.

The silver one.

It's the one you always wanted.

It's still at the dealer showroom. But it's registered in your name.

You can drive it home.

The license plate says, "Kay #1."

Well, that's a comment from the management.

Goodbye, Kay?

Sit up, Lieutenant.

I want you to relax.

Tilt your head back.

What... What are you gonna do?

Just give your neck a little adjustment.

What do you mean by adjustment?

Don't worry, Lieutenant, it won't hurt at all.

I'll tell you, Sam, I don't think it hurts anymore.

It won't hurt at all.

Sam, it already doesn't hurt at all.

Relax. Relax.

You have one minute and 20 seconds.

You have one minute and 10 seconds.

You have one minute.

You have 50 seconds.

You have 40 seconds.

You have 30 seconds to go.

You have 20 seconds.

You have 10 seconds left.

Nine seconds. Eight.

Seven. Six.

Five. Four. Three. Two.

One. Out.

Oh, hello, Kay.

Sorry, Jonathan.

I'm going to need all those Clay Gardner demographs...

first thing in the morning.

Kay, that's gonna take all night.

Well, unless you'd like to explain your troubles to Mr. Flanagan,

you'd better plan on spending the night.

Condolences, Junior. Comes with the territory.

Well, who says Clay Gardner's ready to do TV?

Just once I'd like to sit down to a hot meal.

At $7 million a season,

let's just say he might be tempted.

His agent take the hook yet?

- No, I'm still setting it. - Planes don't count.

- That's toy food. - It's really up to Frank.

What do you think, Pete?

- Before, I got to be a VP... - Now I put it between bread.

We'll still come out of it.

Do you really want to lay out that kind of cash, Frank?

If we start paying $7 million,

every actor we have will wanna renegotiate.

Clay Gardner isn't every actor.

Thank God.

Mr. Flanagan, gentlemen.

- Kay. - Hi, Kay.

Soon as you've had your ice cream and cookies,

we'll go to the movies.

- All right, guys, let's go. - This way, gentlemen.

- That's right. - What have you got?

I hope I'm gonna see you guys in my office later.

We'll see you later.

Mark.

Let's roll the dice on Clay Gardner before I change my mind.

You got it.

Pete, listen, we're gonna go with Gardner.

So, first thing tomorrow set up a negotiating session.

I'll call Herbie Stone.

- You all right? - I'm fine.

No, I mean really.

I mean, I'm really fine, Mark.

Good.

He can handle it.

Well, this picture is very much a Kay Freestone effort, I understand.

Oh, yes. You'll find little flecks of my blood...

on each and every frame.

Gentlemen, I'll be in the booth. Enjoy yourselves.

Thank you.

Frank, do you really think that William Morris will cave-in that much on the price?

A million at least.

You got to be kidding it's seven. Nobody believes seven.