Good Morning, Vietnam

Provided by KkFalse

Modify by Blue-Bird™

To recover contents such as shoes, socks and undergarments.

And now an item of special note.

Barring any change in the weather,

the softball game between the 133rd and 4th Infantry Divisions

will resume as scheduled at the Ban Mi Thout Park,

corner of Viet Ho and Hguen Van Theiuh streets here in Saigon.

Please make a note of it. Ahem. Excuse me.

Those men who lost equipment in last week's rains

are asked to contact Lieutenant Sam Scheer.

Lieutenant Schneer...

Lieutenant Scheer asks those men with waterlogged mitts

to make every effort to dry them out in the sun before requesting new ones.

Bookworms, Headquarters Support Activities Saigon

operates libraries at six locations in the Republic of Vietnam.

American personnel can check out a book

in Ku Bai, Da Nang, Phung Tao, Saigon, Bien Hoa and San Treng.

If you can't stop in and select your own books,

write to the HSAS Library.

Ask for the books by author, title and subject,

and your selections will be mailed to you.

With the holiday season rapidly approaching,

those personnel wishing to spend Christmas cards home...

Wishing to send Christmas cards home to the States

are asked to do so no later than August 13th

due to a yearly mail rush at that time.

Don't disappoint your...

So take your liberties,

but watch the liberties you take.

Lost luggage.

The Armed Forces sincerely regrets any inconvenience

due to luggage lost on transport carriers.

Personal missing luggage...

That should be personnel missing luggage.

- Are asked to drop a card to Major Gerald Kleiner over at the 5th.

The card should be no larger than 4-by-5 inches

and should describe the contents of your duffel.

Major Kleiner requests that you do not describe your duffel,

as all duffels look alike.

Those personnel with lost bag...

- Yeah, that's right, man. - Hurry up, man.

All right.

Hey, sarge, where are the women?

- Airman Cronauer? - You got it.

Welcome to Saigon, sir.

- Careful, you could put an eye out. - God, it's warm, huh?

Warm? No, this is a setting for London broil.

I'm Private First Class Edward Montesque-Garlick, sir.

Well, first thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name.

Heh-heh-heh. I like you already, sir.

Actually, what I am, sir,

is your Armed Forces Radio Saigon assistant

who's in charge of orientation and billeting of enlisted personnel

and company clerk.

I'm impressed.

- It's already started. - I understand.

This is AFRS, Radio Saigon.

AFRS Radio is owned and operated by the United States government

and operates on an assigned carrier frequency of 540 at 749 megahertz.

Jesus, that guy's as boring as whale shit.

Not really. See, the purpose is to inform you as to the radius of the radio waves.

Mantovani?

They play Mantovani to insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs.

General likes easy listening. I have to inform you...

Mayday. Dragon lady with incredible figure at 11 o'clock, stop the car.

- I can't, sir. - You don't understand.

I've been on a Greek island with women who look like Zorba.

I never thought I'd find women attractive again.

Now that I do, you won't turn the car around?

- Thanks a lot. - You have a very important meeting.

There she is again. How did she get ahead of us?

That's another person, sir.

She's beautiful and quick. Speed up, check her stamina.

This is incredible. Oh, my God. They're quick, they're fast and small.

I feel like a fox in a chicken coop.

We got a new man coming in.

Don't you understand, Dick?

No, sir, frankly, I do not understand.

Would you kindly lower your tone, please?

Yes, sir. I run this show, general.

If anything screws up, it's my ass in the mower.

I deserve to be notified of any changes that are made.

Nobody's arguing that with you.

Look, I caught his show on the Isle of Crete, and this guy is funny.

I damn near busted a gut laughing at him. And the troops, they love him.

This is a tempest in a teacup. Much ado about nothing.

For crying out loud, man, this isn't brain surgery.

Don't get crazy over this, Dick. We're only talking about a damn deejay.

There is no such thing as "only" anymore. Not now, not in Saigon.

Lieutenant Steven Hauk is our immediate supervisor.

He's a little goofy, but he's okay.

Sergeant Major Dickerson, ha, that's another story altogether.

He was a commander of an elite special forces unit.

He came to us because of prostrate problems

and some sort of social infection that doesn't go away.

Plus, I think he got shot in the ass, but I can't confirm that. Heh-heh-heh.

Anyway, he's the man that you don't want to aggravate.

Are you always this happy?

- Cronauer. - Sir.

At ease. I'm General Taylor.

- Hi, general. - Real pleasure.

Listen, if you have any problems here now, you come see me.

I'm the tallest hog in the trough around here.

- Garlick, have you put on some weight? - I don't think so, sir.

My son, the shadow of your ass would weigh 20 pounds.

I'll work on that, sir.

You're not supposed to address the general saying hi.

- Is that a new rule? - No, old rule.

- That's Lieutenant Hauk in there. - Who's the guy with the ears?

How you doing? You could fly to Guam with those.

Um, Airman Cronauer, sir.

You know, it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once in a while.

- Sorry. - Thanks.

I understand you're pretty funny as a deejay.

And, well, comedy is a kind of hobby of mine.

Well, actually, it's a little more than just a hobby.

Reader's Digest is considering publishing two of my jokes.

- Really? - Yeah.

And perhaps some night, we could maybe get together

- and swap humourous stories for fun. - Yeah.

Why not? Maybe play a couple of Tennessee Ernie Ford records.

That'd be a hoot, heh.

- That's a joke, right? - Maybe.

- I get it. - Mm-hm.

Where's this man's paperwork?

- Right here, sergeant. - Thank you, sir.

Hmm.

United States Air Force. The hat does give you away.

This is not military issue, airman. What sort of uniform is that?

Cretan camouflage.

If you wanna blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks, there's nothing better.

That is humour. I recognise that.

I also recognise your species of soldier.

I had a guy like you in the field one time. He blew himself to pieces.

But not before his humour cost the lives of three very fine individuals.

- I hope... - You shut your fucking hole.

You're in Southeast Asia now, pal. You got your cushy little assignment.

There's nothing I can do about that.

I n time, you will make me forget it.

You stay out of my way, there'll be no problem.

But if you toy with me,

I'll burn you so bad you'll wish you died as a child.

Am I being fairly clear?

- Yes, sir. - Sir?

I work for a living, airman.

You will address me as Sergeant Major Dickerson.

Yes, Sergeant Major Dickerson.

He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed, especially around the eyes.

Hello, hello, hello. This is your chaplain, Captain Noel,

Your radio programme of personal beliefs.

Great and manifold are our blessings today.

This great, godly miracle of radio really gives me the opportunity

to speak to you on the air.

Sir, it's time to rise.

My God, it's Mardi gras, and I'm on the main float.

Come on, sir. I n a couple of weeks, this'll be easy for you.

- Oh, let me go back to bed. - You gotta get up, sir.

- God, what time is it, Edward? - It's 5:30.

Five-thirty, it's very early. I may have to hurt you.

- Call me in five minutes. - No, we have to get up right now.

- And you have to get on the air. - Oh.

- Come on, sir. - Fine.

Has signed Les Crane to a talk show.

- It's just down the hall. - Yeah.

- You must be nervous, sir, huh? - I'm not even in my body.

Don't worry, it'll go great. This way, sir.

Despite a letter of intention.

We still have a few minutes before your show begins, sir.

When it's time to read the news, you just take it off these machines here.

But regardless of what you read, airman,

the Department of Defence wants final say.

So every item's checked by these two guys in here.

Guys, I'd like you to meet our new deejay, Adrian Cronauer.

That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz.

Guy Monaco.

He's impeccably clean.

This man has cleaning products shipped in from Wisconsin.

He's also one of your roommates, so if I were you, I'd think about suicide.

Sir, I really don't think that you wanna use any of those records, sir.

We have a selection right here that's prepared...

I've been looking forward to meeting you. Listen, could you do me a favour?

Can you say something funny right this minute?

- I doubt it. - Ha-ha-ha.

I'm with you, man. I'm on your frequency.

Hey, let me ask you a question. What is the appeal of Joey Bishop?

I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny and he's not funny.

Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy,

but my father's nice and he's not funny either.

Joey Bishop. I wish someone would explain this one to me.

I ncidentally, you're on the air in about ten seconds.

Nine, eight, seven, six...

Hey, this has been Fiction and Fact from Marty Lee's almanac.

And now direct from Crete,

welcome the silky smooth sound of Airman Adrian Cronauer.

Good morning, Vietnam.

Hey, this is not a test. This is rock 'n' roll.

Time to rock it from the Delta to the DMZ.

Is that me, or does that sound like an Presley movie?

Viva Da Nang, oh, viva Da Nang