Bad Trip (Tyrone)

I can't believe in that bitch.

No one ever talked to me like that. Before. Ever.

What do you expect, bro'? You ate her last 'clair.

I told you she don't stand for that.

But to kick us out of the house, though?

I don't give a rip if that was her last cheese puff, that shit 's unacceptable.

Don't worry about it.

Look, we'll take a trip, give her a little time to cool off...

and hopefully by the time we get back things will have blown over.

Yeah, right!

-Dude, you just missed the turn. -What?

Does this look like New Orleans to you, No?

Good job, man, you missed the turn!

How am I supposed to know? You didn't fuckin' say anything!

Dude, I'm rollin' a joint, alright? It's physically impossible...

to roll a joint and read a map at the same time, take your pick?

If you hadn't pissed her off so much we wouldn't be here in the first place.

Hey, look, don't even try to pin this on me, okay?

Y'amma's had it in for me for years.

Y'amma? What 're you talking about?

Y'amma. That bitch is crazy as a loon.

The way she flexes her sphincter when she farts.

That bitch is mad, dude, I'm tellin' you.

-Y'amma? Who's Y'amma? -Your mamma!

Oh, Jesus Christ! They sound like a bunch of animals in heat.

-How do you listen to this shit? -Why are you clownin', man?

I told you I needed this shit to get me pumped.

I want to bangin' by the time I get to the Gras, niggah.

You tired ass cracker with no rhythm.

Y'all be cunnin' that motherfucker rather sit on a porch all day...

than get your groove on.

Oh, yeah, you're just, you're bustin' with rhythm.

At least I got some.

You fuck AC/DC ass motherfucker. What century you in, bitch?

Bitch? At least I know what color I am.

Not a fuckin' Jew who walks around like a brother.

You remind me of that clown what 's-his-name?

-Ice Cube... -Yeah. What 's up?

...or Ice-T. -Yeah. What 's up?

Vanilla Ice. That's it. Yeah.

Yo, Sam, don't even go there, alright?

All the way to wearing your dark sunglasses...

in the middle of the fuckin' night. What 's up with that?

They're prescription!

You're missin' out with the Mustang.

I mean, y'know, we got the Saab...

and the Saab and Mustang, they're similar rides, similar.

Sammy, you can say what the fuck you want...

you could even be dissin' my moms and shit...

but don't be callin' me no Vanilla Ice.

I'm fuckin' serious, bitch! Yo, keep this shit up...

you'll be left on the side of the road.

I'll be going to fuckin' Mardi Gras by myself.

No, man. I'm blind already. Toss it out.

-I'm serious, bitch. Toss it out. -Shut your fuckin' pie-hole.

-Watch the road. -You shut your fuckin' pie-hole.

We got an ounce of this shit right here that ain't exactly leaving us...

so just toss it out and we'll roll another one in New Orleans.

Just watch the road and, y'know, drive straight ahead.

Y'know, with a name like Schatzberg, I don't know want you're worried about.

Man, that 's exactly what I'm talking about.

Didn't you hear about those two Jews...

that were driving through Mississippi a few years back?

-No. -It was fuckin' bad shit!

They strung 'em up by the fuckin' anks...

and left them there to rot just because they were Jewish.

Yeah, well, I'm sure they had it coming.

Man, that 's fucked up.

Don't mean no disrespect.

Now an update on the escaped convict, Tyrone B. Brown...

from Lexington federal penitentiary. At Iarge for more than two days.

AuthoritIes continue their search, but no signs of him have been uncovered.

Residents are being warned to lock their doors...

and to keep their cars secure as well.

Sheriff, you there? Sheriff, this is Weed. Come back.

Yeah, go ahead, Weed. This is Haggard.

Sheriff, I think we got a probIem. Neighbors next to the Roberts say...

they just heard shots comin' from overthere not too Iong ago.

Want me to go overthere and check it out.

Shit!

What d'you say, Sheriff?

I said shit, Weed. Call the state troopers, I'm on my way.

-Enough of this shit already. -This shit 's off the hook, baby!

This is what I'm talkin' about right here. Check this out.

What the fuck was that?

I don't know.

Jesus Christ, should we turn around? You think we should turn around?

No. It's probably just a rat or something. Don't worry about it.

No, man, I'm serious. I think we just hit a dog or something.

We gotta turn around.

No, man, I wouldn't turn around. It could just be trouble, man.

No, motherfucker. What if it 's Lassie or something freaked like that...

and the fucker's left back there diggin' in the dirt...

because we didn't even stop? I'm not gonna live with that shit, man.

-That shit 's bad karma. -Karma?

I didn't know Jews celebrated karma.

Is this it?

-I don't know, dude. -Motherfucker, help me look.

For what? A rat? Where?

There. That 's it. See it?

-Shit! -Holy shit!

Holy shit, man!

Oh, fuck, man!

What 're we gonna do?

I gotta call my mom.

Oh, shit!

This is serious. A rat, motherfucker?

What 're we gonna do? I think we snuffed this cat.

Oh, no shit. You think so?

Look at him, that son of a bitch is dead. You're a murderer.

I didn't even see him fuckin' coming.

He just stepped out in fucking front of us with no fucking warning at all!

You didn't even want to stop!

But at least I wasn't driving.

I can't believe this. I can't believe this, Sam.

We just whacked a guy, we're not even half-way to New Orleans yet.

This is gonna be big trouble for us.

-Whoa us? -Yeah, us. What else is there?

Uh, you.

That 's how you're gonna play it. That 's great. You're a real pal.

Hey, look, Josh ''we'' weren't driving your car down the highway when...

''you'' hit and killed this guy, okay?

You on the other hand, were driving your car.

-Man, you're a dick. -I'm callin' it like I see it. Relax.

Take it easy. We're in the middle of nowhere. There's nobody out here.

I'm your only witness.

Freeze!

I said freeze!

Don't move. And keep your hands where I can see 'em.

Alright, Weed, check 'em out.

Evenin', girls. Over here and spread 'em. Do it!

You two feelin' alright?

Yeah, how you doin' tonight?

Alright.

They're clean, Sheriff.

Hot cherry pie!

Say, you don't have any drugs on you now, do ya?

-No. -No.

You sure? Sheriff don't like drugs.

-Alright, Weed, whatta we got here? -No much.

They appear to be alright.

Well, that 's good. That road kill over there is Tyrone.

You better call those feds and tell 'em to call off the manhunt.

You boys turn around here. Let me get a look at ya.

I need to see some ID.

No problem, sir. How you doin' today?

Look at ya. You two are so cute I could just pee on myself.

Come again?

Where the hell you boys headed you gotta drive so fast through my county?

New Orleans, sir. Uh, we're on our way to Mardi Gras.

It didn't appear that we were speeding, sir.

Yeah, but nobody asked you anything, did they, slick?

Mardi Gras? You boys gonna indulge in the demon spirit?

Yes, sir. I mean, no sir, your sheriff, sir.

It's like this. Either of you boys got any illegal substances...

on you or any concealed weapons with you?

-No, sir. -Nothing on your person...

or otherwise in the car?

-No sir. -No sir.

Well, you see, it 's like this, Skatzberg...

-It's Sh-Schatzberg. -Schatzberg. What is that, German?

It's, uh, Irish, actually.

Irish?

Y'see, in my county...

hit and run's an illegal act.

Especially when the victim is left for dead.

Now, you boys could easily be lookin' at a murder charge.

However, in your case, the victim was a convicted killer.

Raped a woman six months before that and threw her body from a moving car.

Worse than that, the son of a bitch was a drug dealer.

And there ain't nothing worse than that.

I lost a brother to drugs once. Two years ago.

Drug dealer kept givin' to him and givin' it to him.

First thing you know, he hopped a bus and skipped town.

Two hours later that bus flipped over.

He died.

It was drugs that killed him. It's a God damn shame.

-God damn shame, sir. -Were you two close...

He was my brother, boy.

However, you two scuds appear to be clean cut young all-American types...

and you actually aiding in the capture of an escaped convict so...

I'm gonna let you go with a what 're you got there, Weed?

Drugs.

-I told you to toss that shit out. -I did toss it out.

-It must 've got stuck somehow. -Stuck inside your fucking pocket?

-Well it must 've blown back in. -Yeah, right. Why are you such a liar?

Hey look, had you not hit this guy...

none of this would have happened in the first place, okay?

I told you not to turn the fucking car around.

You're a real piece of work, you know that?

Yeah, well, thanks. It comes naturally.

Say, you two hidin' any other drugs I should know about?

No. Of course not.

Y'know, Sheriff's gonna take apart your car personally.

No way.

Maybe you oughta tell old Weed here where it is?

I can fix it so he don't find nothing.

Really?

-Definitely makes things easier. -Thank you very much.

We appreciate that. But I told you...