The Chaser's War on Everything

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Bigly!

Lovely!

Yes, um...

Right around Australia, thanks for joining us.

Welcome to the War for another week.

And, uh...

Chris, what an emotional week it has been.

It's been a very emotional week.

And, uh, look, can we just apologise straight off the top

that we're not broadcasting live from Beacon's Field

like every other show I'm telling you.

Sorry about that.

All of them were there, weren't they?

Tracey Grimshaw, Karen Affair was there.

Naomi Robson on today to Nights.

Even the Wheel of Fortune was done at Beacon's Field this week.

I know, if you listen really closely,

you could occasionally hear the two miners yell out,

top dollar in the background.

But, let's say, it was an event made for TV.

Look at it, you've got people trapped together

for days on end doing absolutely nothing.

It's big brother all over again.

It is totally.

Whenever I watch it, I keep expecting greddles

to come on and reveal which one of them's the insider.

Is there room down there for a diary room or a revenge room?

Might have been inside, but it does make you think, though,

doesn't it?

Like, I've been quite moved by the whole thing.

And it's maybe think a lot more about mortality

and those less fortunate than ourselves.

Thanks Bob Gildoff.

No, no, quite seriously.

I mean, you know, we keep hearing about the plight

of starving people in Africa,

but there isn't even bigger plight

that's completely ignored.

A section of society which needs food more badly

than anybody else.

Fashion models.

And the forgotten victims of our time, Chris.

We weren't prepared to stand by and just watch them fade away.

So we decided to try to do something about it,

by organising a food drop at Australian Fashion Week.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, Chris?

Chris, do you see any?

Yeah, Chris.

Chris, do you see any?

Over here.

Over here.

We have major need down here.

This is a humanitarian disaster.

What do you do?

There's some really skinny models down here.

Chris, we need it.

Can you see me?

Down here.

Down here.

Just don't drop them on the model.

Yeah, I can see it.

Yeah, they're coming down.

Good luck.

Your model.

Just from the UN Food for Eight Program.

Just to bring your food for models.

Did you like some food?

I'll take that.

How much do you need?

What do you think?

You need heaps.

You need a lot.

Come on, take more.

You don't need carbs.

You don't need carbs.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

You're a young model.

Looking pretty silly then.

Yeah, on Sundays.

Ain't some of that yourself, okay?

I will do it.

Do you want to extra?

I've got the extra.

Well, this one's kind of kind.

You think the model's the one?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Here's me, food.

UN Food for you.

UN Food for you.

UN Food for you.

UN Food for you.

UN Food for you.

UN Food for you.

UN Food for you.

I'll tell you what the Arabs were.

I'll tell you what the Arabs were.

I'll tell you what the Arabs were.

I'll tell you what the Arabs were.

The first time someone's come all into my bank,

is the budget time again.

The treasurer's gone crazy selling off their love.

But get your enormous with cap fees like these.

We're on vacation.

That's right.

You'll need extra cover for the heart attack you have

when you see our prices.

I brought a paper for physio, all within saying Billy.

Feast, feast, feast.

No wonder we have the word banking online.

What is it something in it for me?

I don't think you'll find anything in it for you, sir.

The Australian people facet.

Out the door, grab it all at last.

There's only Telstra and Australia post to go.

Bring your truck.

Bring your trailer.

And bring your bed, because you won't get one in hospital.

It's price-wise, the premium,

popping privatization, madness.

We've pranked up our premium so we can pass the savings

onto ourselves.

Hello.

Come on in, don't anybody fight.

I don't have a permit.

I'm the surprise spruker.

Usually security picks it up and goes it away.

It's a cord no action as to you.

Oh, I'm sorry, that'll make you even more money.

Well, that's right.

I'm very excited only a few days to go now until the DaVinci Code movie.

It's going to be fantastic.

But Dan Brown, the author of the DaVinci Code,

continues to be dogged by plagiarism clothes.

Well, it seems every writer and the planet believes they wrote the book first,

including Steve Warneau,

who claimed the DaVinci Code plot was based on his 1997 Ashes Tour dui.

Personally, it's a mystery to me why anyone would claim credit for that piece of crap.

But it certainly spawned an industry of spin-offs.

A spin-off, spin-off.

I mean, first we had cracking the DaVinci Code in cracking the cracking of the DaVinci Code.

It was really stupid people.

It was cracking the cracking of the DaVinci Code.

Anything to do with the DaVinci Code becomes a best seller.

Yeah, not quite anything, unfortunately.

My book cracking the shits with the DaVinci Code hasn't solved very well at all.

I'm sorry.

I tried everything.

I go along to bookstores.

I try and do signings.

But no one turns up.

It's quite embarrassing, actually.

So I've decided to take a little bit of a different strategy.

I thought if I just turned up at a random bookstore and offered to sign other people's books,

that might work better.

Hey, game.

Would you like anything, sir?

Thank you.

Dan Brown, Steve Warneau.

Thank you for that.

No, no, no.

You're the author, or...?

No, no, no.

No, you're the designer.

You like sing-jum?

I'm sorry, I don't know who you are.

Julian Warneau is one, I know.

Yeah, I know.

But yeah, I'm a bookstorer.

I'm not a bookstorer.

Oh.

It's me, my pro-economics.

Yeah.

It's one of my favourites.

Who would you like this to be from?

From Dan Brown?

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Dan Brown?

What are you not Dan Brown?

No.

Um...

Um...

I'm not even on the phone.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I just really enjoy it.

Two, how are?

That's right.

And I'll let you do the right.

Okay.

Um...

Hi.

Very cool, Dan.

So I'm just signing a sushi.

Definitely, Dan.

I'm not.