Sebastian Maniscalco: Stay Hungry

Beautiful New York City.

Now, I've got my father here.

And he's planning the whole day today.

He wanted to do lunch.

He's like, "Let's go to the freedom thing.

Take a look at that.

Maybe we go to Central Park."

I go, "Dad, I'm-- I'm playing Radio City tonight.

I got shit going on."

He goes, "What, are you too big now? Big shot!

You're a biggie, biggie shot. You can't go out to lunch with your father?

Biggie, biggie shot."

Came in on Wednesday, and it was...

I don't know what's going on on these airplanes.

Looks like a farm on the airplane now

with the amount of animals

coming down the aisle.

When did this...?

Okay. Why-- why is it okay

to just bring the dog,

a parrot.

You see a couple months ago, at the Newark Airport?

Some idiot tried to bring a peacock.

She had a peacock on her shoulder,

walking into the airport,

like it was TUMI luggage. I mean, what?

The thing fell off. She's trying to gather it.

When these people leave the house, anybody say anything to them?

If I left the house with a peacock on my back,

someone would come up to me, "Where the fuck you going with that?

You gonna bring it on an airplane? What are you, nuts?"

There was a fight on my airplane. We couldn't even take off.

Someone got their ass kicked on the flight. I mean...

This is happening on a weekly basis.

Just do what you're told.

That's how I grew up. Just do what you're told.

What's with the lip?

If I'm on an airplane

and four stormtroopers get on my plane with flak jackets on...

that say "Security",

and they come right to my row and tell me, "Hey, you're gonna have to get up..."

I'm up!

I take my bag, my cup of coffee... "I am so sorry.

I am so, so sorry.

Do I just pick up my voucher here

and wait 14 days for the next flight?

That sounds totally fair to me.

Just don't kick my ass.

I am sorry I interrupted everybody's vacation.

Let me just make my way off the fuselage."

What are you gonna do? Fight someone nowadays?

This-- this is not 20 years ago,

where you're at a nightclub and some guy gives you a little...

Remember those days, some guy would just kind of lean his shoulder

right into your chestplate.

Come on.

"You want some of this, huh?

Hold my cologne. You want to do this?"

Back then you got into a fist fight.

Maybe you got a black eye. Maybe.

That's all people knew how to do, was to punch.

Now...

You don't know what this guy knows with this Mixed Martial Arts.

This MMA.

This guy will end up on your back with his heels into your nuts,

choking you out.

How do you defend that? I mean...

These MMA guys, that's a different guy.

That's a tough man.

They don't punch. They'll kick-- They'll kick your leg off.

They train on banana trees.

Just kicking down a banana tree.

How do you think your leg's gonna hold up?

Could you...

Honest to God, could you withstand a strike to the peroneal nerve

from a 23-year-old grown man?

I can't.

I can't take nothing.

I got up last night at 3:00 in the morning to go take a piss,

I stubbed my toe.

Down for 58 minutes.

You ever stub your toe at night?

You don't even want to look down. You're like, "I know the nail came off.

The nail came off and one toe is busted. I just want to take a piss.

I'll find the nail in the morning

and I'll wipe the blood off the sheets. This is ridiculous.

God, the pain."

You can't fight an MMA guy.

That's a tough guy.

That's a tough life.

They got a strudel for an ear.

What is this... what is that?

There's nothing I could do to this guy

that hurts more than a strudel hanging off the left side of the cranium.

Watch how they come into the ring. They're just...

...stretching out their teeth.

My God.

If I was his opponent, I'm like, "This is it.

I'm gonna die tonight. This guy's gonna...

kill me."

I'm not fighting nobody.

I'm barely working out at this age.

I've been doing the same workout since '89.

I just go to the gym. Couple biceps, some chest.

I start beading, I get the hell out of the gym.

I ain't sweating through clothing. Those days are done.

Maybe if I'm feeling good, I'll hit the treadmill.

I did that last week.

I got on my treadmill there,

and there's eight empty treadmills next to me.

So, I put it on 5.0.

Now, it's not too high.

It's not too slow.

It's a valet jog.

Let me go get your Mercedes.

Another guy comes right next to me, on the treadmill next to me, right?

Eight treadmills, he's gotta pick this one.

This is the problem with me.

I can't pay attention to what I'm doing. I'm honed in on everyone else.

Especially if they get near me,

I start looking at what this guy is up to.

I'm giving him a side view.

And he's not starting the machine.

I'm getting bothered. I'm like, "Guy, start your machine.

You're screwing up what I'm doing over here."

He's stretching out...

on the treadmill.

Now, listen. There's a place for this

in the gym.

There's a stretch-out area.

Okay, I don't go to the stretch-out area and run around people.

You don't bring your stretch to the mill.

So, you ever look at a treadmill?

They've got a bunch of different compartments.

I always wondered...

who's using all this storage?

This is the guy.

They built the treadmill for him.

This guy's emptying his life into these little bins.

The change, the iPhone...

the wallet, the keys.

He brought an iPad.

He brought a cinema...

to the gym.

Then he put his little bitch-buds in, right?

Then he cranked it up to 15.

I didn't even know the damn thing went this high.

The manufacturer said, "Yeah, leave it at 15.

No one's going to do that."

But this guy's sprinting.

Fast.

Do you ever see people on a treadmill?

They run fast and hard,

like the whole gym could hear them run?

It's like...

Like a sock...

is gonna fly off at any minute.

Then he pulled this one.

He just rested on the side, and let the thing...

Just do what we are doing.

Don't do some weird work out that you saw...

Then he... I've never seen this before.

He had like a water backpack...

...like, that you would see in the desert.

He had a backpack filled with water,

and then a tube...

...that he could just sip.

Then he dropped it down.

Then he pulled this one.

He turned towards me.

Now he starts side skipping.

My God.

I cannot run on a treadmill

with another grown man looking right at me.

Doing side skips.

I came home, I told my wife this story. She don't get it. She don't understand.

She's like, "Why do you look at everybody?

Just do you."

"Why do you look at the whole gym?"

I go, "'Cause that's what makes me happy. I like to be bothered."

She says, "Come with me. I'm gonna spin class tomorrow."

I say, "Okay, I'll come. I'll come to your spin class."

I've never done this before.

But I went to SoulCycle,

whatever it is, right?

Yeah, see, everybody gets so hopped up.

I go to the one in LA, everybody's fake positive.

All right? They come into the class,

"What's going on?

How's it going?

Are we gonna do this today?"

Okay. Relax. Relax.

It's a class.

It's a spin class.

So right away, I'm bothered. I go, "Babe, I gotta get out of here.

I can't-- I can't do this."

Already I'm upset.

She like, "Come on, let's go check in and get our shoes.

I said, "Shoes? What is this? A bowling alley?"

Everybody's got these special spin shoes.