Seinfeld

It's hard to justify, at this point in human history...

the existence of men and their handkerchiefs.

I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it...

then put it in their pocket with their other valuables.

Wallet, keys, mucous. Yup, got everything.

Is it because men can't give birth...

are they just proud of anything that comes out of us?

We'll actually have a monogram sewn onto it.

What is the source of pride here?

It sticks out of our breast pocket of our jacket.

I have a snot rag.

- To your promotion. - Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Lippman. I can't tell you...

how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course, I deserve it.

Well, you're really on your way now.

You should do something about that cold.

- You got a raise? - I don't fool around, baby.

You said Pendant was in financial trouble.

But they're being absorbed by Matsushimi...

that big Japanese conglomerate.

- When did that happen? - Papers are signed next week.

Are they publishing Kramer's coffee table book?

Yeah. They'll definitely do it now.

You're on quite a streak. Job promotion.

- Plus you're back with Jake Jarmel. - Yeah, it's getting serious.

We're talking about moving in together.

You've got it all. Helen Gurley Brown...

would be very proud of you.

Speaking of having it all...

Where were you?

I went to the beach.

The beach.

It's not working, Jerry.

- It's just not working. - What is it that isn't working?

Why did it all turn out like this for me?

I had so much promise.

I was personable. I was bright.

Maybe not academically speaking, but...

I was perceptive.

I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.

- Got a napkin? - It all became very clear to me...

sitting out there today that...

every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong.

My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.

Every instinct I have in every aspect of life...

be it something to wear, something to eat...

it's all been wrong. Every one.

Tuna on toast, coleslaw...

- cup of coffee. - Yeah.

No, no, wait a minute. I always have tuna on toast.

Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast.

I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast.

Chicken salad on rye...

untoasted with a side of potato salad...

and a cup of tea.

Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

Chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna.

Salmon's the opposite of tuna because salmon swim...

against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

Good for the tuna.

George, you know that woman just looked at you.

So what? What am I supposed to do?

Go talk to her.

Elaine, bald men with no jobs and no money...

who live with their parents...

don't approach strange women.

Try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad...

and being intimidated by women, chicken salad...

- and going right up to them. - Yeah, I should do the opposite.

If every instinct you have is wrong...

then the opposite would have to be right.

Yes.

I will do the opposite.

I used to sit here and do nothing and regret it for the rest of the day.

So now I will do the opposite, and I will do something.

Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice that...

- you were looking in my direction. - Oh, yes, I was.

You just ordered the same exact lunch as me.

My name is George.

I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents.

I'm Victoria. Hi.

Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now.

It's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend.

All right, all right. Okay, bye.

Hey. Buddy, it's all happening.

- What's happening? - The coffee table book.

It's a go.

- I heard all about it. - Know what this means?

I'm starting the book tour.

First stop, Regis and Kathie Lee.

You're going on Regis and Kathie Lee ?

Oh, you better believe it.

- I'll loan you my puffy shirt. - No, no. That's not...

What are you gonna talk about?

Coffee tables.

Hello.

What? Sure. I'll do it.

I just had something canceled the same weekend.

Okay. Great. Bye.

Life is amazing. I just lost a job, and five minutes later...

get another job, same weekend, same money.

You know who you are? Even Steven.

Are you growing a beard?

Why shave every day? Just grows right back.

I guess.

I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself.

If those kind of superficialities are important to you...

this probably isn't gonna work.

Hey, watch it. They cut you off. Did you see that?

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

It's not the end of the world.

Hey, baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?

Stick your tongue down his throat.

What are we gonna do? Should we just move?

That won't be necessary.

Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats!

We're trying to watch the movie!

If I have to tell you again, I'll show you...

what it's like. You understand me?

Now shut your mouths, or I'll shut them for you.

If you think I'm kidding, just try me.

Try me.

Because I would love it!

Are you sure you don't wanna come up? It's only 9:30.

I don't think we should.

We really don't know each other very well.

Who are you, George Costanza?

I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.

- Excuse me. Is your name Elaine? - Yes.

Were you supposed to meet a Jake Jarmel here?

- Yeah. - I'm afraid he's been in an accident.

- An accident? What happened? - He got sideswiped by a cab...

but he's all right. He's in St. Vincent Hospital, room 907.

Okay, thank you.

Could I have a box of Jujyfruits?

Here you go.

So, you know, the light was clearly green.

I started walking, he skidded, and went right into my hip.

That is so terrible.

It's so terrible, Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid?

It's just sickening.

- Want one? - No, thanks.

So when do you think you're gonna get out of here?

- Where did you get those? - At the movies.

Didn't you get the message before you went in?

Yeah.

- Then when did you get those? - Right after that.

So you heard that I was in a car accident...

and then decided to stop off for some Jujyfruit?

Well...

the counter was right there and...

I'd think, under the circumstances, you would've run out of the building.

Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you.

- No, no. It did. - If you got into a car accident...

I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for Jujyfruits.

- But, Jake... - I would like to be alone now, please.

- But, Jake, I didn't... - Good night.

- What do you say we call it a night? - Good idea. I'm kind of tired.

- How'd you do? - Won 50.

- Lost 72. - Won 37.

- Lost 15. - Broke even.

- Can I bring out our next guest now? - Please.

Young guy, got a new book coming out, and it's about...

And this is the best part. It's a coffee table book...

- about coffee tables. - Is that clever?

I think that is so clever.

I think so too.

- Did you meet him backstage? - I did.

He looks like a fun guy, doesn't he?

- I love his hair. - Oh, I do too.

This guy could be a little bonkos.

Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome Kramer.

- Hey. - How are you?

Look, Kramer's here.

- Hi. - Hello.

I don't know. It's the hair or something. I don't know.

Yes. Kramer.

So a coffee table book about coffee tables.

- Where'd you get this idea? - Well, I'll tell you, Regis.

Actually, this is a true story.

- I was skiing at the time. - When I'm skiing, Kramer...

I'm trying not to kill myself. You're writing books.

You kids, don't go out and try that.

You stay in school.

Have you always been interested in coffee tables?

Really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one.

See, the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table...

it turns into a coffee table.

- Is that fabulous? - Look at this.

Is that fabulous?

- Fabulous. - I want one of those.

Did I tell you this guy was bonkos?

This coffee table is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.

- That's right. - I'm not in there. Where's mine?

It's on file right here.

I'm telling you, this guy's bonkos. He really is.

- But he's adorable. - Yes he is. He's a nice-looking guy.

All over my Kathie Lee Casuals.

We'll be right back in a moment.