Harley Quinn

Oh, that was awesome!

Everyone brought their A-game!

I mean, Psycho, when you made those T-Rex bones just come to life

and then chase that guard... Mwah!

Wait, did you just steal King Tut's body?

Ugh, I was going to see that on Sunday.

See it? Now you can touch it.

Yeah, but I've never been, like, in a museum

and thought, "Oh, I wish I could touch this dead body."

Uh, well, someone must wanna

'cause it was under heavy guard.

And, we needed a new ottoman.

We'll get used to it.

The news must be all over this.

Let's see what they're sayin' about us on Villainy.evil.

Wait... What?

KGBeast's getting nominated for the Legion of Doom?

I'm way better than him.

People must be freaking out in the comments.

"This was long overdue. Yay."

"Worked with him on three assassinations.

So professional.

Couldn't have happened to a better guy."

Screw you, better guy.

What the hell does it take to get nominated?

Ooh, look, here's one about you,

"Why's no one talking about Harley Quinn?

I'd like to nominate her to sit on my face."

Okay, well, that... Mm.

Should have read it through.

Um, do you wanna just, like, use your words?

I've been busting my ass to get noticed by the Legion for the last two months.

I've done everything there is to do.

You mean we've done?

Yeah, I was using the royal "I."

Sorry for the rant. I'm, I'm, I'm fine now.

Okay, now I'm fine.

Hey, so, I can't help but notice you're being extra Harley today.

And I just, honestly,

I don't understand your obsession with the Legion of Doom.

I mean, those guys are genuinely pieces of shit.

Uh, yeah. Obviously.

But those pieces of shit are the only people Joker ever treated as equals.

I'll never match up to him unless I'm in the Legion, too.

Okay, so, what you're saying is

you're not over your ex,

and you wanna throw your success in his face.

Exactly.

Honestly, that might be the most relatable thing you've ever said.

All right, people, listen, I want ideas.

Somethin' that's gonna get us on the Legion of Doom's radar.

I could call my old pal Hank Kissinger.

I'm sure he hasa few war crimes he never pulled off.

I know we're criminals,

but are we really war criminals?

No one thinks they're a war criminal,

then you find yourself aiding a separatist movement

to overthrow a democratically elected leader

and boom, you're a war criminal.

Maybe we could steal some new computers

'cause that one you smashed was mine.

That's it. WayneTech.

You wanna legally purchase computers?

I wasn't thinkin' legal,

and I wasn't thinking computers.

We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne.

All right, this is what we're going after.

It's beautiful.

And on the 26th floor.

Cool. How we gonna get it down?

We'll Fast and Furious 7 it.

Guys, that's the one where they shoot a car

from one skyscraper into another skyscraper.

But, you know, ultimately, they're just all about family.

Clayface, activate "Operation Douche."

Uh, sir, please, have you seen my daughter?

I mean well, technically, I'm not her father.

I mean, you see, the Lord hath cursed me with empathy, it's...

for my wife strayed.

It's an emotionally complex tale,

that, if you have two hours to spare,

I can burden you with my tale of woe.

Harley, thank you for letting me use my brains, for once.

Most people don't let me be who I am.

Ooh, okay, I see what we're workin' with here.

I can hack the first three doors,

but the retinal scanner at the entrance to the room is on you.

24,

25,

26.

Here we go.

Oh, shit.

Now why was she put down so gently?

Um, because she's not a misogynist troll that should be living in a well?

Psycho, focus.

It's even more beautiful in person.

Listen, could you do your dumb twisty twirls and get the bike,

so we can get the hell out of here?

Hello, what the hell are you doing?

Stealing whatever's in here, it's "even more restricted."

Oh, perfect.

"Even more restricted."

You're the psycho.

Mind you, that wasn't the first time I was cuckolded--

I called an audible. Let's get the hell out of here.

My arm.

It's too late. We got to go.

But my arm.

You just called an audible.

Can't we call another one and get my limb?

Can't you just grow a new one?

And where the fuck is Psycho?

Is that the...

I am a golden god.

Ah. Damn it.

Fuckin' hell.

Oh, you little bitch.

Oh, don't you--

Jim, what's wrong?

Ah... It's Barb.

You know, she's sleeping with someone else.

And the worst part, I can't blame her.

I mean, a woman can only go so long

watching the dead eyes of her lover thrust atop her,

before she looks for something new.

So, you didn't call me about the break-in at Wayne Enterprises?

What? No.

Oh, this is about the break-down of my marriage.

The signal is for emergencies.

Well... Emergencies.

You've abused it.

Look, my personal life is a mess right now,

and I thought I could talk about that with my friend.

We're co-workers.

Harley stole some highly sensitive tech from Wayne Enterprises.

In her hands, it could be catastrophic.

Oh, well, then, I'm on it,

co-worker.

Here, evidence from the crime scene.

Yeah, what's that? Ask it yourself.

You used to be such a damn good cop.

I damn still am.

Prove it.

Oh, that was awesome.

Everyone kicked major ass.

I mean, Psycho, when you froze that security guard, mwah!

Ah-uh. Don't you dare Italian chef finger kiss

any part of that disaster.

You screwed up the plan.

I'm ready for the heist,

and it's-a gonna be-a delicious.

Hm.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, oye.

Aye.

Shit. I missed the heist, didn't I?

If you could call it that.

Clayface lost his arm.

No, no, it's fine.

I'll just play one-armed characters for the rest of my career.

Perhaps they'll make a sequel to 127 Hours.

There has been light buzz.

You guys are thinkin' small-time, all right?

This is a way bigger score than that bike.

This, this thing is a...

a highly classified technological device

that's gonna blow the minds of the Legion of Doom.

You have no idea what that does, do you?

Yes, I do.

Something...

Something button related?

Look, either way, it is obviously important.

I bet you this heist's all over the news.

I mean, look, this is what I'm talkin' about.

We even got reviewed by The Cowled Critic.

I mean, he's like the only reviewer the Legion of Doom reads.

All right, I learned something today, Cowlheads,

and that is Harley Quinn and her crew aren't worthy of Legionnaires' disease,

let alone the Legion of Doom.

Wait, what? But what should I have expected

when the crew has the universally hated Dr. Psycho,

and his hussy new girlfriend, Poison Ivy.

Oh, fuck off.

That is completely out of context.

I knew I should've let you fall to your death.

And the piece de resistance?

Harley Quinn is so inept,

she left behind a member of her own team

who is now in the hands of the Gotham Police.

What the hell's he talkin' about?

We all made it back in one piece.

Not exactly.

Tell me where Harley Quinn is.

I just wanna get back to my dad.

All right. Okay, okay.

Well, okay.

How about if you tell me about him?

I can't, 'cause I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.

Oh, but I'm not a stranger.

No, my name is Jim.

I'm a hardworking detective with a beautiful wife